revelations come to me usually after some sort of a crisis. This time it wasn't any different. The crisis has been going on for few months. I felt that I was missing something, that something wasn't right. I was looking for something/somebody to blame it for. My work, my family, my partner, my genes, my upbringing, my situation, the world and so on. Something wasn't right, something outside me. Something didn't allow me to move on, get out of my shell and go to the world. Yesterday, I found what it was: it was me. Not my work, not my family, not my partner, not my genes, not my upbringing, not my situation, and not the world.
I sent my Songkran holiday at home, doing a bit of work, but mostly pretending, exercising a bit, and enjoying my wine. Enjoying? Not really, to be honest. I was pouring it down my throat because it was just too painful to bear my feelings and emotions any more. So I used alcohol in order to ease the pain. Ease? Not really. I hate hangover and prefer being normal, and functional. Last night, I did the same. It was just too much to sit here and be alone, I wanted to be with people and drunk, and careless. And so I went out. But I wasn't neither with people, nor with myself. Surely I was drunk and still alone.
I woke up today, my head spinning. I dragged myself to the pool. In the pool or maybe in the elevator it dawned on me why I have been doing all these things to myself. I did them all because I didn't let myself be the way I am sometimes sensitive, vulnerable, unsure, sometimes lost, sometimes lonely, sometimes insecure. For weeks now I have tried to play a role of a person I'm not: on top of everything, with all answers. And for what? To get the approval, my own approval and allowance to be and feel worthy.
In the pool I decided that enough was enough.
I realized that I don't have to prove anything to myself or to anyone that I'm worthy. I feel it stronger than at any time before that I am worthy. Something inside me whispered to me: you are enough, you are worthy, you don't have to prove yourself, and then be exhausted, and turn into an emotional zombie. This voice whispered to me and I decided to listen.
It's not coincidence that all this happened on the Easter Sunday. I feel I have resurrected today and have started a new chapter of my life in which I will practice letting myself be.