I have a friend who is triathlete. And very accomplished one. He has been training for more than twenty years: running, cycling, swimming. Every day. No matter what. Unless he is sick. Every day, no matter what he trains. Rain or shine he trains. Happy or unhappy he trains. He is committed. 

He is also fully committed to believing that he can. Two years ago he has started his business. He resigned from a comfy position in a bank and decided to embark on an uncertain self-employment journey. It's been though. It's been rough. It's been frustrating. But he does not complain. For all this time, I have not heard a tiny complaint from him. Instead, each day he gets up with more hope and a wholehearted decision that he will face the obstacles and make the most of whatever hand has been dealt for him. He is committed.

I read:

"Spiritual success is gained by daily cultivation. If you practiced for the day, then you have won. If you were lazy for the day, then you have lost.

Self-cultivation is the heart of spiritual attainment. Gaining insight and ability is not a matter of grand statements, dramatic initiations, or sporadic moments of enlightenment. Those things are only highlights in a life of consistent activity.

Whatever system of spirituality you practice, do it every day. If it is prayer, then pray every day. If it is meditation, then mediate every day. If it is exercise, then exercise every day. only then will you be able to say that you are truly practicing spirituality. 

This methodological approach is reassuring in several ways. First, it provides you with a process and a means to maintain progress even if that particular day is not inspiring of significant. Just to practice is already good. Secondly, it gives you a certain faith. If you practice every day, it is inevitable that you will gain from it. Thirdly, constant practice gives you a certain satisfaction. how can you say to yourself that you have truly entered a spiritual path unless you can look back on years of rail practice and take comfort in the momentum that it has given you?" (from Den Ming-Dao's 'Tao. Daily Mediations)

I read this and I though of my triathlete friend. 

His commitment is a daily spiritual practice. It is a daily exercise of mind and body. It is a daily exercise in faith that what he does make sense and will bring benefits. It's a daily exercise in believing into something that he has no guarantees will work out. He still is committed.

I think of my triathlete friend every time I plunge into the pool and practice my own commitment.


Letting Myself Be

revelations come to me usually after some sort of a crisis. This time it wasn't any different. The crisis has been going on for few months. I felt that I was missing something, that something wasn't right. I was looking for something/somebody to blame it for. My work, my family, my partner, my genes, my upbringing, my  situation, the world and so on. Something wasn't right, something outside me. Something didn't allow me to move on, get out of my shell and go to the world. Yesterday, I found what it was: it was me. Not my work, not my family, not my partner, not my genes, not my upbringing, not my situation, and not the world.
I sent my Songkran holiday at home, doing a bit of work, but mostly pretending, exercising a bit, and enjoying my wine. Enjoying? Not really, to be honest. I was pouring it down my throat because it was just too painful to bear my feelings and emotions any more. So I used alcohol in order to ease the pain. Ease? Not really. I hate hangover and prefer being normal, and functional. Last night, I did the same. It was just too much to sit here and be alone, I wanted to be with people and drunk, and careless. And so I went out. But I wasn't neither with people, nor with myself. Surely I was drunk and still alone.
I woke up today, my head spinning. I dragged myself to the pool. In the pool or maybe in the elevator it dawned on me why I have been doing all these things to myself. I did them all because I didn't let myself be the way I am sometimes sensitive, vulnerable, unsure, sometimes lost, sometimes lonely, sometimes insecure. For weeks now I have tried to play a role of a person I'm not: on top of everything, with all answers. And for what? To get the approval, my own approval and allowance to be and feel worthy.
In the pool I decided that enough was enough.
I realized that I don't have to prove anything to myself or to anyone that I'm worthy. I feel it stronger than at any time before that I am worthy. Something inside me whispered to me: you are enough, you are worthy, you don't have to prove yourself, and then be exhausted, and turn into an emotional zombie. This voice whispered to me and I decided to listen.
It's not coincidence that all this happened on the Easter Sunday. I feel I have resurrected today and have started a new chapter of my life in which I will practice letting myself be.