It was the beginning of May.The weather wasn't too bad but it wasn't spectacular either. Nothing was really spectacular at that time.
We spent over a week in a mobile home on the camping. It was cold, it was uncomfortable. I missed my Bangkok apartment already. On top of that all it turned out that Belgentier is kind of in the middle of nowhere and I was stuck. No driving license here means that I am cut off the civilization and depended on Olivier who didn't have time to drive me around which drove me crazy. There was a lot of shouting and crying. There were another reasons for that but maybe next time about that.
The camping needed a lot of work before the season. I was with Helena and tried to find my way around here. I was very lonely and left to my own devices and the focus was on business and not on us. It wasn't a nice beginning. I didn't write anything here because I didn't want to complain too much. I did face to face to my family and friends but I kept wishing that I will be able to write something positive and happy one day. Before that I decided to remain silet.
In June we opened the camping and things have taken a very positive turn! We worked very well together. After the first busy night - me behind the bar and on the floor and Olivier in the kitchen. Surprise, surprise! We are a good team and we like working together.
From then on everything changed and we are happy, simply happy. We enjoy each other and our company. We are able to laugh with each other and at each other. We still argue and have different opinions but it feels like we reached a different level in our relationship. It feels like we are finally a family. I love my family and I am happy. I am happy to see Olivier happy, I'm happy to see Helena happy and I'm happy that I feel like I wouldn't like to be anywhere else. Even in India.
I'm soon going to Poland to take a driving license course and hopefully I will pass it. The life will be changed for all of us then. I will be free to leave the camping whenever I want and take care of my own affair. I will be able to help Olivier with the chores... all will be different. On top of everything, one of my dreams will come true. I will drive a car. Me, a woman. I will have my own car too. Me.
It hasn't been easy this season. I struggled on many levels: I changed places, I've been tied to one place, I spoke French without knowing sometimes what I was saying.... but I survived and more than that... I feel like it was worth every effort.
I am proud of our work. We did a great job here in the camping. We were able to fill it up - 350 people were with us at one point. We will close the gate soon and we will begin preparation for the next season at work. I hope we will continue this positive period in our relationship and the family life. I am sure. I know that this is what we both want.
So then this is it: a positive post that I have been waiting for for such a long time.
Mostly I'm fine. I have an awareness that my dad had left us many years before the final departure. I know it but difficult feeling keep coming anyway. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief. All mixed up. I'm not fighting with any of them- rather I'm sitting of them and listening t the internal dialogue I'm having with myself. Sometimes I'm nice to myself and able to console myself, on other occasions, I hear the voice of a ruthless critic accusing me of neglecting my both parents. I keep telling myself that time will heal me: time and understanding where these voices come from.
I'm back home.
I'm back to my Little Girl who had the most wonderful holiday by the sea with her Father. I never had any doubts that Olivier would be a great father... it broke my heart that he decided not to be one to our child. That, however, is done. It's in the past and he is truly a very good Dad. I could go abroad and leave Helena knowing that she will be wonderfully looked after. And she was. I came back to a girl madly in love with her Papa. "Papa" the way she says the word melts the hearts. She wakes up in the morning and looks around in search for her "Papa". She keeps repeating it till she remembers that Papa is not with us any more in body. We speak on Skype every day, and oh how happy Helena is to see her Papa.
Her Papa... He is the first man she knows. She will observe him and learn from him about the world and about how a man treats a woman. I hope the standard will be very high. Higher than mine for many years. I told my own Father so many times that he was the model and how huge responsibility it was but he... My biggest wish is that Helena's dad will be her rock, her hero and her safe island, that he will be her Dad, the one that I had but then lost to alcohol.
I remember I was a princess, I was. I was important, I was his Little Girl but then he betrayed me and chose something else. And no matter how hard I tried and how hard we all tried, he left and left me heartbroken. It tool a very, very long time for this Little Girl to find confidence again that she is lovable and that she deserves better.
I'm so happy to be back home. I was so happy to see Olivier! Things are changing and for better. I recognize the man I fell in love again. He is there and he is back. It's not always easy between the two of us: I'm no angel and I know my mess drives him crazy and his bossiness sometimes drives me up the wall but we are trying to find a way to each other and it feels very good.
I need to process, settle down and make some important decisions for this year and for the future life. No matter what - no matter how dramatic or sad things are happening, life is going on - nothing stops and nothing waits. Lots of work to do.
I chose to live a long time and ago and that's why I had to run away from you. I suffer consequences of my choices every day of be being so far away from my family. I suffer but I also know deeply inside my heart that it was my only option to run away in order to survive and live.
I've been waiting for this message for many years.
It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.
I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.
I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.
You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.
I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?
I will never have a dad again.
I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.
You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.
I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.
I loved you so much...
I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.
We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.
I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...
I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.
I love you and always will.
This Christmas time Allegro commercial made me cry real tears. The tears of a huge loss and sadness. Cast: an elderly gentelman whose son lives abroad and who one day embarks on a difficult journey of learning a foreign language to be able to communicate with his grand-daughter who speaks English. For three minutes the audience watches the gentelman posting notes around the house or reciting 'to be' while riding the tram. In a bath he threatens a rubber duck with a profane line from a movie and in a public transport he accidentally confesses love to another passenger.
And then the day comes: he packs his bags and flies to meet his family.
There he is, on the doorsteps. There she is too, a little girls. He gets on his knees and introduces himself to her in English: 'Hi, I'm your grandpa'.
I'm sobbing by then.
I see Helena and my dad that will never happen.
I see an elderly man who made an effort - that will never happen for us.
I see everything we've lost as a family in recent years and much beyond that.
I put my head on my desk and I keep sobbing, my tears can't stop falling.
How I miss him!
How I've lost him!
How he's lot us!!!
I don't know how he is. Whenever I call - there is no answer and even when he answers he pretends that all is good. I've stopped investigating. I know he drinks... at this point it doesn't really matter any more how long for: a week, a month, three moths... He is digging his own grave to which he will take a part of each of us. I send him a Christmas card and wished him a Maerry Xmas but I know it's not going to be a happy time for him - so sick and so gone... far away in the ocean of alcohol. I wish he knew how much I love him and ho scared I am that I will never see him again. I wish he knew how scared I am to see him at the same time. I wish he was able to understand how it all hurts all of us and how the only thing we ever wanted from him was to be sober.
December is here.