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21.11.2017

Back to Europe 2

It's been over six months since I'm back to Europe. Being back feels good but it's hard and it sucks at times as well. I know... hard - it seems I can't write about much more than when things are hard. Once Olivier told me that it's a very sad blog that I have here and I tried and tried to sit and pour out some joy on these pages but somehow when I'm joyful the last thing I want to do is to sit in fro of the computer and write about it. I prefer to experience it and be in this feeling moment of happiness since I know that gloom is just right around the corner. 

It's a blog about a struggle. Fine. So it will be like this.

I'm back in Europe. 
France.
Close to the French Rivera....
Oh, everybody's dream.

It's so quiet and peaceful that one might get crazy, really. Ohm Bangkok, how much I miss you sometimes! I was annoyed by the traffic, I was annoyed by reckless drivers and the fact that there was no green space but oh, how I wish I could get stranded in a jam for an hour or so and watch the life going by through the taxi window! At least once a week. Please.... I know... Life over there wasn't easy and perhaps with more limitations than here. Here the only thing that is still in the way of feeling a bit of freedom is a driving license, which I passed but I still can't be on the road because of the insurance issues. I'm inexperienced driver and the insurers want to suck out each and every last euro out of us to pay for the coverage. Needless to say, we don;t want to give them our dough, I'd rather spend it on books for Helena or me.  But, I will pay whatever it takes, really, to be behind the wheel and be able to go shopping by myself without anyone's assistance. Oh, how much I miss being all by myself in a shopping mall sipping my latte and reading my newspaper. Here.... there is no Starbucks here! The closest one is in Marseilles at the airport and it is disgusting! I went there twice and both times I wanted to damp my coffee the moment I tasted it. Plus, the place itself was repulsive with trash piling up on tables to the view of oblivious servants too overwhelmed with two customers at the counter. So no Starbucks for me. 

So I am close to the French Rivera but locked away in the camping. The place itself is great and I am happy to be here but like every person, I need some of my own space and I don'r have it at the moment, which drives me crazy. 

I also miss people. I don't have any friends here yet just for a simple reason that I don't meet people. 
I signed up for a stretching, pilates and yoga in the village.  Very good courses and fantastic teacher but the audience in 50+ and not really a material for people I will hang out with.  Bottom line, I need to get out. But then... get out where? Where do people meet? At work! But my work is here in the camping and I don't think that is going to change any tie soon. people meet in pubs and restaurants but when I go a restaurant I go with Helena and Olivier - not exactly a situation lending itself to meeting new folks. Oh....Sometimes I think... was it a good idea to move at all?

Again, just like in Canada few years ago, I have to start from the beginning. Oh, I started in Thailand as well but there it was easy, peasy with the availability of the job. I came, I started working... here it's a bit of a different story. We finished the season and... there is not so much work for me. Plus, I don't know French as well as to work in an office. Online teaching? I have finally landed a job offer and what? The internet connection in this forsaken place is not strong enough to smoothly connect with China... and that pissed me off sooo much! I want to work, I want to contribute but I can't because of the freaking internet signal that is weaker than what I used to have in Cambodia. 

Olivier thinks that I'm wasting my days and maybe he is right but for now I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea. I get up, I work out, I'm trying to stay on the surface and I mean it... I sometimes think I might be even mildly depressed: I have moments when I just cry my eyes out feeling so useless, unloved and unnecessary. Oh, stop complaining and find something! Yes, but what? What am I looking for? I have no idea!

And so this is how it is be back. No easy and that what  this blog is about - my life that at times is not easy.






20.08.2017

Something Positive

We landed over three months ago and it wasn't a soft landing - the dates got confused and after 17 hours in the air, we needed to wait another 4 at the airport in Marseille. I wanted to scream and kick and not get on that plane at all. But I did and I waited. And we eventually met.

It was the beginning of May.The weather wasn't too bad but it wasn't spectacular either. Nothing was really spectacular at that time.

We spent over a week in a mobile home on the camping. It was cold, it was uncomfortable. I missed my Bangkok apartment already. On top of that all it turned out that Belgentier is kind of in the middle of nowhere and I was stuck. No driving license here means that I am cut off the civilization and depended on Olivier who didn't have time to drive me around which drove me crazy. There was a lot of shouting and crying. There were another reasons for that but maybe next time about that.

The camping needed a lot of work before the season. I was with Helena and tried to find my way around here. I was very lonely and left to my own devices and the focus was on business and not on us. It wasn't a nice beginning.  I didn't write anything here because I didn't want to complain too much.  I did face to face to my family and friends but I kept wishing that I will be able to write something positive and happy one day. Before that I decided to remain silet.

In June we opened the camping and things have taken a very positive turn! We worked very well together. After the first busy night - me behind the bar and on the floor and Olivier in the kitchen. Surprise, surprise! We are a good team and we like working together.

From then on everything changed and we are happy, simply happy. We enjoy each other and our company. We are able to laugh with each other and at each other. We still argue and have different opinions but it feels like we reached a different level in our relationship. It feels like we are finally a family. I love my family and I am happy. I am happy to see Olivier happy, I'm happy to see Helena happy and I'm happy that I feel like I wouldn't like to be anywhere else. Even in India.

I'm soon going to Poland to take a driving license course and hopefully I will pass it. The life will be changed for all of us then. I will be free to leave the camping whenever I want and take care of my own affair. I will be able to help Olivier with the chores... all will be different. On top of everything, one of my dreams will come true. I will drive a car. Me, a woman. I will have my own car too. Me.

It hasn't been easy this season. I struggled on many levels: I changed places, I've been tied to one place, I spoke French without knowing sometimes what I was saying.... but I survived and more than that... I feel like it was worth every effort.

I am proud of our work. We did a great job here in the camping. We were able to fill it up - 350 people were with us at one point. We will close the gate soon and we will begin preparation for the next season at work. I hope we will continue this positive period in our relationship and the family life. I am sure. I know that this is what we both want.

So then this is it: a positive post that I have been waiting for for such a long time. 

20.04.2017

Back to Europe

I left Poland in 2007. It was a beautiful day in July. My backpack was packed, my head was filled with dreams. I'd wanted to go so, so much and finally I was! I was going backpacking. I was going to Asia. I was running away, though I didn't call  it this at that time.

It was in the morning that I my dad took me to the train station. I said good-bye to my family the day before - we had a lovely get together at the back yard. The last person to see me off was my Mom. She was so worried! She was so worried that her only daughter, her apple in the eye will get hurt. She was worried that something will happen to me. She was scared that I will never come back. She was right. I never did.But she knew. She knew that she had to let me go and that it was my journey. It was painful for her but she never had tried to stop me. She never had argued my decision. She let me choose.

We were saying those good-byes at the steps of my family house. She hugged me tight and whispered into my ear: 'Good luck, and you know, Ania, deep deep inside I envy you. Go and do something I never could do." We both cried. My mom's dream was that I came back. I never did.

My term in Asia is coming to end now. I'm going back to Europe and soon as well.

After months of debating what to do and how to make things work between the three of us, we decided to settle down in France, on the Cote d'Azure, in Provence. We are going to try to make this family work, though it's going to be a lot of work considering the history behind us. I am trying to leave the past in the past but I also remember about what happened to me and how I was treated. I want to remember about that so  it never happens again and if it does, I know what to do. I want my daughter to be raised by a happy mother - something that I have been able to achieve by myself here in Bangkok. I want my daughter to be raised by a father who sees her on regular basis and not from time to time, on a computer screen, the father who will be able to give her the energy I will never be able to. I want a partner who will support me and take care of me so that I can support and take care of him. I think we have some potential but I'm also realistic. 

In less than two weeks Helena, Olivier and I will start a new chapter in our lives back in Europe. 
 



 








23.01.2017

Dad

There  were times when we didn't speak longer so thirty days should not be so unnerving or scary. It always seemed that I could call you... you would not pick up or on a lucky day you would... Maybe I would wait till a voice message to hear your voice and then disconnect, maybe we would talk. The 'always' changed into 'never' - a void, a gaping void. 'Never' that is 'never'. We say 'never' without even realizing its full meaning  - this is a real 'never' - when the other body is cold and when the heart stops. 

Last night I was thinking about your last seconds. Was it dark? Were you scared? Did you regret anything? Or did you just go... I hope so. What is it like to die? I only can tell what is it like when something dies inside a living person. It's happened to me twice already. My eyes are burning from tears. I even don't know who is crying: Ania or Ania? A small one or an adult one, or maybe both? And who will consol them? The 'never' is 'never', and I have to live. But how to live when something has died. 

It's a month tomorrow. I think about you a lot.
I think about you each time I look at Helena who will never meet you. Yes, it was my choice not to bring her to you before it was too late. I wanted to protect her and myself but now I'm not sure. I'm sure of one that it makes me sad, very sad that she will never know my father the way I knew him form when I was little.

I miss you both so, so, so much.
I will sit with this sadness and embrace it and try to make peace with it or it will eat me alive. I need to live.

I'm off to sleep. 
I was tempted to call to see if I can hear your voicemail yet this one more time. The last time. But I'm too scared to do that. Tears might burn my face completely.

Rest in Peace. You are free. 

 





 



15.01.2017

Back in Thailand

I'm back in Thailand.

Mostly I'm fine. I have an awareness that my dad had left us many years before the final departure. I know it but difficult feeling keep coming anyway. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief. All mixed up. I'm not fighting with any of them- rather I'm sitting of them and listening t the internal dialogue I'm having with myself. Sometimes I'm nice to myself and able to console myself, on other occasions, I hear the voice of a ruthless critic accusing me of neglecting my both parents. I keep telling myself that time will heal me: time and understanding where these voices come from.

I'm back home.

I'm back to my Little Girl who had the most wonderful holiday by the sea with her Father. I never had any doubts that Olivier would be a great father... it broke my heart that he decided not to be one to our child. That, however, is done. It's in the past and he is truly a very good Dad. I could go abroad and leave Helena knowing that she will  be wonderfully looked after. And she was. I came back to a girl madly in love with her Papa. "Papa" the way she says the word melts the hearts. She wakes up in the morning and looks around in search for her "Papa". She keeps repeating it till she remembers that Papa is not with us any more in body. We speak on Skype every day, and oh how happy Helena is to see her Papa.

Her Papa... He is the first man she knows. She will observe him and learn from him about the world and about how a man treats a woman. I  hope the standard will be very high. Higher than mine for many years. I told my own Father so many times that he was the model and how huge responsibility it was but he... My biggest wish is that Helena's dad will be her rock, her hero and her safe island, that he will be her Dad, the one that I had but then lost to alcohol.

I remember I was a princess, I was. I was important, I was his Little Girl but then he betrayed me and chose something else. And no matter how hard I tried and how hard we all tried, he left and left me heartbroken. It tool a very, very long time for this Little Girl to find confidence again that she is lovable and that she deserves better.

I'm so happy to be back home. I was so happy to see Olivier! Things are changing and for better. I recognize the man I fell in love again. He is there and he is back. It's not always easy between the two of us: I'm no angel and I know my mess drives him crazy and his bossiness sometimes drives me up the wall but we are trying to find a way to each other and it feels very good.

I'm back.
I need  to process, settle down and make some important decisions for this year and for the future life. No matter what - no matter how dramatic or sad things are happening, life is going on - nothing stops and nothing waits. Lots of work to do.







01.01.2017

Goodbye

Goodbye Dad,

Thank you for giving me life and teaching me a valuable lesson on how dangerous it is to play around with addictions.

I'm sure that you are in a better place and that your suffering her, and you did suffer a lot, cam to an end. 

I wish I could have helped you but you didn't want to be helped on other than your terms and your terms we could not accept. 

It's so sad to think that I will never see you again. My thoughts travel home which now is empty but I still feel your presence. I still feel like you are there. 

But you are not and only a building has left.  Our home. A guardian of the story and many secrets. 

I am still here, though.

I am still alive and I promise myself today that I will learn as much as I can from you death, that  I will do my homework and live. I want to live. I want to live and be happy no matter what.

I want to fly.

You know that I loved you. I loved you so, so much. And I only wanted one thing from you - that you stopped drinking and that you chose us. 

But you chose otherwise and I still loved you. I understand you didn't know how to live.... only you know the truth. Only you know the pain you carried, the disappointments you experienced and hopes that died in you. Only you know... You chose not to tell me or my brothers. You chose to drown in alcohol.

I choose to live. 

I chose to live a long time and ago and that's why I had to run away from you. I suffer consequences of my choices every day of be being so far away from my family. I suffer but I also know deeply inside my heart that it was my only option to run away in order to survive and live.

Live, live, live!

I wish it was different but since it's not I will play with the cards that life is dealing me. They are not the easiest cards but the game goes on and I will not give up and play the best I can though the rules of the game change without my consent. I will play nevertheless because if I stop I will die.

I want to live.

I had to pause now and have a look at my own life. The time of some changes has come, changes that will improve the quality of my existence and my work. It hasn't been the best six months of my life but the time has come to stop making a victim of myself and start working on solutions.Thank you, Dad, for making me pause. Too bad you couldn't help me figure out things otherwise.

I have no parents any more.
Goodbye Dad.

I'm sure you are in a better place.



 



25.12.2016

Sea of Sadness

I've been waiting for this message for many years.

It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.

You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.

I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?

I will never have a dad again.

I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.

You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.

I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.

I loved you so much...

I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.

We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.

I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...

Goodbye, Dad.

I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.

I love you and always will.