Mostly I'm fine. I have an awareness that my dad had left us many years before the final departure. I know it but difficult feeling keep coming anyway. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief. All mixed up. I'm not fighting with any of them- rather I'm sitting of them and listening t the internal dialogue I'm having with myself. Sometimes I'm nice to myself and able to console myself, on other occasions, I hear the voice of a ruthless critic accusing me of neglecting my both parents. I keep telling myself that time will heal me: time and understanding where these voices come from.
I'm back home.
I'm back to my Little Girl who had the most wonderful holiday by the sea with her Father. I never had any doubts that Olivier would be a great father... it broke my heart that he decided not to be one to our child. That, however, is done. It's in the past and he is truly a very good Dad. I could go abroad and leave Helena knowing that she will be wonderfully looked after. And she was. I came back to a girl madly in love with her Papa. "Papa" the way she says the word melts the hearts. She wakes up in the morning and looks around in search for her "Papa". She keeps repeating it till she remembers that Papa is not with us any more in body. We speak on Skype every day, and oh how happy Helena is to see her Papa.
Her Papa... He is the first man she knows. She will observe him and learn from him about the world and about how a man treats a woman. I hope the standard will be very high. Higher than mine for many years. I told my own Father so many times that he was the model and how huge responsibility it was but he... My biggest wish is that Helena's dad will be her rock, her hero and her safe island, that he will be her Dad, the one that I had but then lost to alcohol.
I remember I was a princess, I was. I was important, I was his Little Girl but then he betrayed me and chose something else. And no matter how hard I tried and how hard we all tried, he left and left me heartbroken. It tool a very, very long time for this Little Girl to find confidence again that she is lovable and that she deserves better.
I'm so happy to be back home. I was so happy to see Olivier! Things are changing and for better. I recognize the man I fell in love again. He is there and he is back. It's not always easy between the two of us: I'm no angel and I know my mess drives him crazy and his bossiness sometimes drives me up the wall but we are trying to find a way to each other and it feels very good.
I need to process, settle down and make some important decisions for this year and for the future life. No matter what - no matter how dramatic or sad things are happening, life is going on - nothing stops and nothing waits. Lots of work to do.
I chose to live a long time and ago and that's why I had to run away from you. I suffer consequences of my choices every day of be being so far away from my family. I suffer but I also know deeply inside my heart that it was my only option to run away in order to survive and live.
I've been waiting for this message for many years.
It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.
I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.
I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.
You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.
I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?
I will never have a dad again.
I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.
You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.
I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.
I loved you so much...
I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.
We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.
I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...
I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.
I love you and always will.
This Christmas time Allegro commercial made me cry real tears. The tears of a huge loss and sadness. Cast: an elderly gentelman whose son lives abroad and who one day embarks on a difficult journey of learning a foreign language to be able to communicate with his grand-daughter who speaks English. For three minutes the audience watches the gentelman posting notes around the house or reciting 'to be' while riding the tram. In a bath he threatens a rubber duck with a profane line from a movie and in a public transport he accidentally confesses love to another passenger.
And then the day comes: he packs his bags and flies to meet his family.
There he is, on the doorsteps. There she is too, a little girls. He gets on his knees and introduces himself to her in English: 'Hi, I'm your grandpa'.
I'm sobbing by then.
I see Helena and my dad that will never happen.
I see an elderly man who made an effort - that will never happen for us.
I see everything we've lost as a family in recent years and much beyond that.
I put my head on my desk and I keep sobbing, my tears can't stop falling.
How I miss him!
How I've lost him!
How he's lot us!!!
I don't know how he is. Whenever I call - there is no answer and even when he answers he pretends that all is good. I've stopped investigating. I know he drinks... at this point it doesn't really matter any more how long for: a week, a month, three moths... He is digging his own grave to which he will take a part of each of us. I send him a Christmas card and wished him a Maerry Xmas but I know it's not going to be a happy time for him - so sick and so gone... far away in the ocean of alcohol. I wish he knew how much I love him and ho scared I am that I will never see him again. I wish he knew how scared I am to see him at the same time. I wish he was able to understand how it all hurts all of us and how the only thing we ever wanted from him was to be sober.
December is here.