Goodbye and See You

I was gutted yesterday when we were saying final goobyes to Ms Vivien - our beloved nanny, the primary caretaker of Helena. 

Ms Vivien has stayed with us for seven months and from the first moment we met she's been loyal and caring employee. It's even difficult to think about her as of an employee - she has become a part of our little family. 

Whenever she could - she would help. I needed to go to the immigration - she would come earlier. I needed a day off - she would take Helena for a night. I needed her to stay longer - no problem. I was sick - she would stay with me and look after Helena when I couldn't take care of her.

She looked after Helena but also Ms Vivien looked after me and made sure that I was fine. 

Ms Vivien is a great character. She is funny and robust, her personality is bigger than the world and she just fills the room with positive energy and happiness. She knows every song in the English language, she would sing them to Helena to sleep. She loves dancing and just monkeying around - and monkeying we did a lot! 

I will miss these laughs and countless peek-a-boos! I will miss her voice and laughter that I would hear already at the foot of the corridor. I heard Miss Vivien laughing and with her Helena would burst in seams. He was in the best hands in the world.

It will be different now. 

Thank you Miss Vivien for your time and commitment to Helena. You love her like you love your own children and I'm sure you planted a seed of unconditional love in Helena's heart. Thank you for being with here when I couldn't. Thank you for being with me when I had worse days and for talking to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see you very soon.

A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!

Update

I haven't been here in such a long time! Oh my! It's been a month already! And honestly, I can't even remember what's been happening. I should probably be taking notes on daily basis to remember. Basically, life revolves around Helena, my work and training. I'm getting ready to a half-marathon now and with full-time job and with Helena, getting ready is tough. Last week we were both a bit sick so going to the gym was not an option. The week before that I took my exercise to work so that I didn't waste my time on coming back home, changing and walking to the gym. I will have to go back to it after the half-marathon is done.

Meanwhile I'm also trying to learn some French and I had a lesson with a lovely teacher. I was told that I did a great job studying myself and I was so happy speaking my broke French. The language lives with me and all I need now is to practice. All... it's not such an easy thing to organize the lessons when I only have an hour free after work. My teacher's schedule has changed and now she cna't be coming here on Fridays... I might not be able to continue with her... Life of a mom is not easy - it's very busy. 

Soon, it will be even busier - I'm going back to school in October. 

I guess then I will have to seriously prioritize - I know already that I won't be able to do all these things at the same time. Alone. I wish I could but with Helena... I have her to attend and I want to spend time with my daughter whenever I can! It's bad enough that she spends most of her waking hours with Ms. Vivien who is wonderful and carrying but who is not Helena's mom. So recently even when I run, I run. I'm running when running. It's running in a hurry. It's running with higher speed in less time. I do the intervals and started doing 15km/hr just to make my workout more efficient. How I envy those moms who have two hands to help them and somebody to take over. Though, it is what it is for now and these are the circumstances I'm in andall I can do it to look into a bright future and do my best.

Meanwhile San Fransisco is a fascinating place full of interesting activities and fun. (sic!!!) 

Helena is growing fast and almost daily she is becoming more and more independent. It will still take some time before I see put on her own clothes and wipe her own butt. She has recently mastered the art of sitting and staying in the position for longer than three seconds and falling on her side. Now she is sitting, she is anchored and she is upright. And when she is sitting like this and when I watch hep playing, I can't stop but think that it all goes so fast. The days are long but the months and years are very fast. Eight moths ago she was laying on the bed totally unaware where she was and completely helpless and now... and no she knows so much about the world already! She knows for example how to get my attention in the morning by whacking me on my face with her adorable little hand and by giving me a wettest kiss in the world which is not really a kiss yet but sucking my lips. Adorable. The world of dripping saliva and laud farts. The world of laughs and smiles so sweet that no matter how tired I am when They happen, I'm back on my feet again. Each day I love her more and more and each day we are learning each other. What an experience! Yes, I am tired. I'm sometimes so tired that I want to cry. I'm sometimes so tired that I get annoyed and I'm angry with the whole world: Olivier and other people who are not there for me and Helena as they should. And it all is ok, It;s ok to be tired as I'm doing something tiring and difficult. But... but I know deep, deep in my heart that it will all be fine and that one day I will get at least my sleep back. Or not (ha, ha, ha). Nobody knows but for my own comfort I want to believe that one day, sometimes in the future, things will settle. 

With all this, I also remember to be grateful for all I have. I've been seeing recently posts on Facebook about sick children with cancer and I just can't imagine. Lives destroyed in a second with one word: cancer. That's why I celebrate each moment with Helena remembering that we don't have it all that hard. We are surrounded by good people, we have some money, I have work which allows me to provide for myself and Helenka and we are both healthy, thank God. It's all good. 

So that's that. One day at a time. Step by step.

That was us last Sunday. Such a great weekend with my Girl!

Hectic

It's been over two weeks since I came back from work and it's been... well, hectic. Everything has to be planned down to the smallest detail if I don't want to go mad in the morning. I still wake up around 5:30 but now the chances are that Helena will wake up with me and if I didn't prepare something the evening before, I can forget that I will do it in the morning. And on top of everything, I prefer to spend this time with her than to do anything else.

Then the nanny comes at around 7:15 and I have to leave immediately to school. With a heavy heart and heave legs that I drag behind me.

If my schedule allows and there is nothing urgent to do at school, I can come for few minutes and feed her. Luckily, I live close by and I can do it. Seeing her in the middle of the day when she is all calm and well rested is such a pleasure. Then I run to school again, the milk pump under my arm in case I can't see her for the second feeding. If this happens, I lock myself in a school toilet and pump hoping that all this will not disturb my milk supply. I would like to feed Helena only with my milk till the end of February though sometimes I think that maybe it's just too much and I should just give her formula and that's it. Last week especially I was all in doubts since at the end of the day she seemed to be very confused and fussy at the breast and that combined with me being tired was not very pleasent for the two of us. Last week I ened up crying twice. She cried and I cried. She cried because... I don;t really know why... Probably because she is a baby and that's what they do. I cried because I felt like a failure, a horrible mother who didn't know how to stop my baby from whatever distress she was going through. I hated it so much. And I still do. But it seems to be ok this week. It's just Tuesday but so far we didn't experience any major dramas and the days and evenings have been going quite smoothly. 

I come back from work around 4, three times a week the nanny is till 5 and theoretically I could go to the gym but usually something comes up: like errands that I didn't do on the weekend and if that's the case, I can forget my gym plans. And if there are no errands to run, I'm usually too tired to gym. Instead, I'd rtaher take a nap for an hour and gear myslef for the evening shift with Helena. Though, I managed to do a 30 minute workout on Monday and maybe I can do the same tomorrow. If, on top of that all, I won't feel too guilty to go to the gym instead of running to Helena immediately after work.

Then I come home... Do I have lunch for the next day? Do I have dinner for the present evening? If not... well, then I will use whatever time I have to cook... That;s why the gym has to wait very often too. 

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I must say that I can't wait for Oliver to come and help me. Before he came in October, I was by myself and all was fine but then I experienced a spare pair of hands and how much easier and more fun it was to have him around with Helena. And so I miss it. I really do. I know I was supposed to do it all by myself but doing it in a duet is much, much, much more pleasant. And it's better for Helena as well to have him around. 

Helena is asleep now and I'm using these few moments for myself before I close my eyes next to her and open them again for feeding at night and then in the morning when I will see Helena smiling to me. I love those mornings. Fortunately, I managed to prepare and pack everything for tomorrow, so the morning is ours. 

Recent Days

It's been seventeen days since Olivier came. Seventeen very emotional, sad and happy days. Seventeen days of practicing how to let go of the past - not forgetting but also not dwelling too much any more of what happened and what did not. It is what it is and I feel it is good.

Helena is happy. She loves spending time with Olivier and has managed to make him fall in love with her. That's good. The two of them are fantastic and I love watching how this relationship is developing. He's spending all his waking hours carrying for her, changing nappies and doing all these things a dad does. Of course, reality check - it's their relationship - not mine and his. However, being in such a proximity,  we are learning how to be around each other as well since we will see each other and we will work together, hopefully, for the rest of our lives or at least as long as Helena's parenting will require us to stay in touch. And we both want this relationship to work. We both want Helena to have a happy, predictable and stable childhood around adults who will be able to have a good relationship with each other. "But he hurt you so much", I hear the voices. He did and I will not forget that but at the same time... What's the use of thinking about it again and again? I've become tired of this drama, I'm choosing peace and at least I'm trying to move on.

In moderate peace I've been spending time with this little family not-family of mine just reminding myself from time to time that all this is for Helena. I know that one day I will meet someone who will be worth investing my feelings into again. Obviously, Olivier is not the person. And that's fine. It hurt how he dealt with the situation in Paris and it hurts that it came so easily to him replacing me (ME!!!) but the consolation comes from within: I've learnt how to love myself enough, one thing. The other thing is that he must have never really loved me in the first place. So as much as I was grieving a lost love, I come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing really to grieve about? I don't know... I wish him all the best and as long as for the moment I don't have to hang out with his gf. :-) (yes, yes... my ego still needs some time to get over the gf situation). Whatever. :-) None of my business. Ha ha ha. Ania, Ania, Ania. :)

All Is Quiet - the En of the Chapter

Yesterday it was a peak of my emotional meltdown. It seems like I let everything out verbally to Olivier and after that, like after Helena's delivery, all went quiet and peaceful.

I've made this decision before twice: after my Mom's death and later in Canada when all went wrong, that I would move on no matter what and will turn the negative into the positive. I'm making this decision now as well. With a lot of help from people around me and with my own determination, I managed to give a birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl - a blessing. Now, after such a long time Olivier has joined me in the parenthood to this Little Miracle - another blessing. Another one is that we still can be friendly and talk to each other. And that it's not perfect and that we won't live together in a cute house with a white fence... well, I guess dreams sometimes don't come true. Or maybe I should expect that I will live in this dream one day but with someone else. 

Helena has two parents: two big people who are crazy about her and who will do everything to make this girl happy and whole. I can't be happier for her. Another blessing.

Blessings and quietness with few breaks for Helena adding her cries.  I'm going to enjoy this quietness and the precious moments I'm having with my little family here. 

I'm officially opening closing this chapter and I'm rather eager to see how a new one is going to unfold.

 

Fifteen Days of Love

Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love.

Fifteen days of love with Helena.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Fifteen days of unconditional love to this Little Girl. 

It feels fantastic! They are the precious moments I will remember for the rest of my life. No matter what will happen in the future.  And since I don't know what will happen, and little do I care about what happened, the most important now is NOW. Now is great! Now Helena is healthy, I'm healthy, me breasts are full of milk I can feed my child, we have a place to stay, we have loving friends and family around. Now is great. And I'm thankful for now. Nothing else matters. 

Four More Weeks

Last week on Monday I met my new students and I can't be happier to be a teacher to this bunch of funny kiddos. They are sweet and driven, and just very nice. I hope it wasn't just a hoax on their side to impress me and they will stay this way for the rest of the year.

In two weeks I will leave them for two months, though, and take a maternity leave.  A holiday without a holiday. A time off to meet my daughter, get to know her and spend some time with her. Very little time but it is what it is and I'm not planning to take myself on any guilt trips. No guilt. This is what we have now and this is what has to be enough. The end.

I have four more weeks to go. Few more visits to the doctor and then the very last one when I will be pushing Helena towards this world. After my post about feeling scared of this whole process some friends of mine wrote to me and cheered me up saying that if they could have done it, I can as well. And I will try to do it on my own but if not, the doctor promised she will help. And since I trust this woman, I will stay with the though that I can. I can push Helena out even if it means being in pain for hours and hours. But who knows what really will happen. I only hope that I will not die, or that she will not he hurt in any way. 

Four weeks! Seems like nothing considering that I really think that I've been through the shortest pregnancies in the  history of the world. To me it was like yesterday when I did the test in the cinema toilet, then went to Paris to face my fears, come back and cried till I could no more. It was yesterday when I woke up and made a decision that I could cry more or honor this time and spend the rest of these nine months looking after myself and Helena. 

And so I chose the option number two. 

I must say - it's been a great time. A very anxious time but a great one nevertheless. I know already that I will look back one day and say that I did all I could to help myself. I will be able to say that I was my best friend and did not abandon myself when I needed myself the most. Of course, I got helped from the outside world: family and friends and it gave me more determination and fuel to go on. One day at a time.  I've been my own best friend during this time. What a change, though! I started as my own worst enemy!

When I found out that I was pregnant all I could think was how stupid I was. When it turned out that I will do it by myself, I hated myself even more. I hated myself for being naive, for letting myself being hurt so much when I thought I was safe in the world I had created around me. All had been perfect: my comfort zone. my school, my work, my life... Perfect! I was on the top of the world. And then in a second I was falling into an abyss. And I thought didn't know how to fly. I was too occupied in self-hate and self-pity to see that I do have tools and that I'm not completely powerless. It took me three months of sleepless nights to get to the point where I was so depleted and tired that I could no more go on like that. And then I made the decision that I would not give in. I made the same decision after my mom died. I made it again and I'm sure there will be times when I will have to remind myself of it again and again. I made a decision of being my own friend, of loving myself the way I am and not condemning myself any more. Today, I look into the mirror and say: I love you and I will never leave you, Ania. I feel this love more than at any time in my life even though on weaker days I might forget it, I know it is here with me. I'm here for myself. I'm here surrouned by love of people and the abundance of the world. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. 

Apart from going to hospital.

Four more weeks and I will meet a little girl Helena. In four weeks all will be the same and nothing will be the same. In four weeks we will start a new chapter.