Hectic

It's been over two weeks since I came back from work and it's been... well, hectic. Everything has to be planned down to the smallest detail if I don't want to go mad in the morning. I still wake up around 5:30 but now the chances are that Helena will wake up with me and if I didn't prepare something the evening before, I can forget that I will do it in the morning. And on top of everything, I prefer to spend this time with her than to do anything else.

Then the nanny comes at around 7:15 and I have to leave immediately to school. With a heavy heart and heave legs that I drag behind me.

If my schedule allows and there is nothing urgent to do at school, I can come for few minutes and feed her. Luckily, I live close by and I can do it. Seeing her in the middle of the day when she is all calm and well rested is such a pleasure. Then I run to school again, the milk pump under my arm in case I can't see her for the second feeding. If this happens, I lock myself in a school toilet and pump hoping that all this will not disturb my milk supply. I would like to feed Helena only with my milk till the end of February though sometimes I think that maybe it's just too much and I should just give her formula and that's it. Last week especially I was all in doubts since at the end of the day she seemed to be very confused and fussy at the breast and that combined with me being tired was not very pleasent for the two of us. Last week I ened up crying twice. She cried and I cried. She cried because... I don;t really know why... Probably because she is a baby and that's what they do. I cried because I felt like a failure, a horrible mother who didn't know how to stop my baby from whatever distress she was going through. I hated it so much. And I still do. But it seems to be ok this week. It's just Tuesday but so far we didn't experience any major dramas and the days and evenings have been going quite smoothly. 

I come back from work around 4, three times a week the nanny is till 5 and theoretically I could go to the gym but usually something comes up: like errands that I didn't do on the weekend and if that's the case, I can forget my gym plans. And if there are no errands to run, I'm usually too tired to gym. Instead, I'd rtaher take a nap for an hour and gear myslef for the evening shift with Helena. Though, I managed to do a 30 minute workout on Monday and maybe I can do the same tomorrow. If, on top of that all, I won't feel too guilty to go to the gym instead of running to Helena immediately after work.

Then I come home... Do I have lunch for the next day? Do I have dinner for the present evening? If not... well, then I will use whatever time I have to cook... That;s why the gym has to wait very often too. 

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I must say that I can't wait for Oliver to come and help me. Before he came in October, I was by myself and all was fine but then I experienced a spare pair of hands and how much easier and more fun it was to have him around with Helena. And so I miss it. I really do. I know I was supposed to do it all by myself but doing it in a duet is much, much, much more pleasant. And it's better for Helena as well to have him around. 

Helena is asleep now and I'm using these few moments for myself before I close my eyes next to her and open them again for feeding at night and then in the morning when I will see Helena smiling to me. I love those mornings. Fortunately, I managed to prepare and pack everything for tomorrow, so the morning is ours.