Olivier lands on Wednesday and will be staying with us for three months. Yes, yes. And maybe longer later when he figures out what he can do in Thailand. Hmmm. How do I feel about it? I have mixed feelings, I must admit. Part of me is happy because raising a little baby like Helena all my myself and working, and trying to find a bit of time for myself is exhausting to say the least. Helena is an easy child but I am tired anyway. I feel that if I eventually fall asleep one day, I will be sleeping for a few days. With Olivier here, I will have a support, an additional pair of hands and a pair of ears to talk to when frustration kicks in. On the other hand, I am wondering if what we are doing isn't some sort of a lie. We are going to live like a family for these coming months but we are not a one. Helena will be surely happy to have her mom and dad together but we are not together. Will in not confuse her. And what's next? One day he will move out and we will stay by ourselves again? And then what? How will we ever move on with our private lives? I'm not planning to stay alone for the rest of my life but with him here I'm not sure if I'm giving myself a chance to close the Olivier door and move on. Especially that I still have feelings for him. I know what he did and how he treated me but nevertheless I still like him. I'm trying not to have any hopes for us. He made it quite clear in February that he doesn't love me - I'm not really sure if he ever had. He made it clear in October when said he doesn't want to be in a relationship, just fun, just sex. Brrr. And I'm not up for it. Brrrr. I want something more, something better. Something more fulfilling. So I'm trying to be realistic. We are not happening and all that is for Helena and to make the two of them, Her and Olivier, create the bond they need for the future. I will eventually find my own place in all this.
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