What Is Going On

Few nights ago I wrote this long post at night in which I was ranting about how horrible everything was here. 

In my head. It was horrible in my own head. I was horrible that I allowed all these negativity in my head. It's me and only me who can choose how I will react to things. 

Sure, it's not nice to find out that Olivier is going on holiday with another woman. A woman who if I met, I would strangle with my own hands. Really, I'm not joking Gaelle, you don't want to meet me. Not now at least. But if that all really bothered me that much, I should probably pack his suitcases and send him off from where he had come. I'm not doing it. I should not complain then.

And he is great with Helena. Sure, sure - Helena is one thing and he is staying because of her. But also because he helps so much with her and OMG, he really is a good dad. We are not together and that makes me sad and bothers me but when I look at Helena and him... It's unreal and all the grief goes away. Till it comes back... and surely it will come back in February. Or not... maybe by February I will be so tired of it all that the only option will be to let it go or go crazy.

I told Olivier that I was snooping on his Facebook.I don't want to be this person but the temptation was too big. I looked and... couldn't sleep for two days being angry and ashamed of myself. So I just told him. And now it's done. By the way - he was more amused than pissed off.

And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.

On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.

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