Few nights ago I wrote this long post at night in which I was ranting about how horrible everything was here.
In my head. It was horrible in my own head. I was horrible that I allowed all these negativity in my head. It's me and only me who can choose how I will react to things.
Sure, it's not nice to find out that Olivier is going on holiday with another woman. A woman who if I met, I would strangle with my own hands. Really, I'm not joking Gaelle, you don't want to meet me. Not now at least. But if that all really bothered me that much, I should probably pack his suitcases and send him off from where he had come. I'm not doing it. I should not complain then.
And he is great with Helena. Sure, sure - Helena is one thing and he is staying because of her. But also because he helps so much with her and OMG, he really is a good dad. We are not together and that makes me sad and bothers me but when I look at Helena and him... It's unreal and all the grief goes away. Till it comes back... and surely it will come back in February. Or not... maybe by February I will be so tired of it all that the only option will be to let it go or go crazy.
I told Olivier that I was snooping on his Facebook.I don't want to be this person but the temptation was too big. I looked and... couldn't sleep for two days being angry and ashamed of myself. So I just told him. And now it's done. By the way - he was more amused than pissed off.
And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.
On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.
And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.
On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.
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