Perfectly Imperfect

I though it will be a good title as that's how I feel about our holiday and time together: it's not perfect but it's perfect at the same time. Yes, yes - I would like things be different between me and Olivier but they are not and that's ok as well. One day, I am sure, I will wake up, just like I have so many times before, thinking that it makes sense that we are not together because something better has been waiting for me all this time. One day it'll make all sense and it has so many times before. 

We had a lovely Christmas Eve dinner with my Canadian part of the family. So strange - we said that we would never have expected that one day we will sit at a table together in Thaialand and we wished each other that it wasn't out last time. We wished each other all the best, prosperity and happiness, however each of us happiness understands. It was emotional, it was beautiful. My first Xmas with Helena and Olivier - certainly not the last one. 

We briefly spoke to my brother on the Polish side of the family and we will connect again today. Same with the French side. 

My Dad was unavailable. I can't stop thinking about him and feeling sorry for him. Such a waste. Such a waste of life and precious moments: instead he chooses to drown in alcohol. I tried to call him, no response. I sent him a card - I'm sure he got that. Everybody did. Such a waste. Such a waste of life. My heart falls apart each time I think about him: locked away from the world in the darkness of his addiction. Locked away from those who love him in the darkness of the victimhood. Locked ways from the light that could bring him some strength, in the darkness of his own head. I wish I could help but I don't know how any more. I can only hope that he will not kill himself... That all is also prefectly imperfect: part of my journey, part of the life experience I get in this life. And though painful and uncomfortable, I will endure it, make peace and move on. 

Things always can be different in life. Today, I will try to enjoy what I have here and now and work for the better - prefectly imperfect future for Helena and myself.

Merry Perfectly Imperfect Christmas!!!!