Holidays!

Yay!!! And the reason I'm so excited about being off from school is that I will have the whole time in the world to spend with Helena. I will be able to kiss her and squeeze her all morning long without any time limits. I will be able to take her for a walk in the morning, the way I like it best. I will be able to see her more than for three hours a day. Yay! And yay, and yay!

I'm ready to celebrate.

Our little home has been ready for a while: the Christmas tree has been put up for more than a week; my first Christmas tree in Thailand, my first tree for Helena (I even managed to make some decorations by myself). Yay! The presents under the tree didn't last long: Helena opened hers last week, I got mine today. Olivier's are coming tomorrow. 

And then on Monday we are off to Phuket where I'm seeing my cousin Magda with her family, which is absolutely great. I can't wait.

I really hope that nothing will spoil my mood. Or I'd rather should say that I hope I will not allow anyone to devastate my holidays: I should be in charge.

I'm still not sure about all this business of spending Christmas together like a family and not being one. It does my head a little especially that I would like to be one. There's nothing I can do to convince Olivier and I haven't even tried. I'm trying to hear it and take it that a family isn't something he wants at the moment. It's rough but it's his truth. My truth is that I'm not taking it very well but I'm trying to be normal. Except from those occasions when I  lose it over the woman and try to find out as much as possible about the character of their relationship. He says it's purely sexual - well, that doesn't comfort me at all. Maybe I should get laid. Maybe that would comfort me for a moment. NOT!!! I don't really think that is a way to fix my broken heart and find peace. Then what? And how long this fixing will last? Ohhhhh!!! Fucking, fucking, fucking disaster! 

I've just read: "There is no need to be scared of anybody. But if that's the case, it means that we gave this someone  power to scare us."  I feel it might also apply to situations: like in my case: Olivier and Gaelle would not upset me so much if I didn't allow them to. It wouldn't be so difficult for me if I knew how to just let it go and not treat it like something oh so much important to me that it makes me go crazy. 

So here it is: an exercise for the coming days: not allowing this woman and him make me sad. Not allow the thoughts about it spoil my holiday: my precious time with my little one. Yes, I think that's a reasonable thing to do instead of getting laid.