Recent Days

It's been seventeen days since Olivier came. Seventeen very emotional, sad and happy days. Seventeen days of practicing how to let go of the past - not forgetting but also not dwelling too much any more of what happened and what did not. It is what it is and I feel it is good.

Helena is happy. She loves spending time with Olivier and has managed to make him fall in love with her. That's good. The two of them are fantastic and I love watching how this relationship is developing. He's spending all his waking hours carrying for her, changing nappies and doing all these things a dad does. Of course, reality check - it's their relationship - not mine and his. However, being in such a proximity,  we are learning how to be around each other as well since we will see each other and we will work together, hopefully, for the rest of our lives or at least as long as Helena's parenting will require us to stay in touch. And we both want this relationship to work. We both want Helena to have a happy, predictable and stable childhood around adults who will be able to have a good relationship with each other. "But he hurt you so much", I hear the voices. He did and I will not forget that but at the same time... What's the use of thinking about it again and again? I've become tired of this drama, I'm choosing peace and at least I'm trying to move on.

In moderate peace I've been spending time with this little family not-family of mine just reminding myself from time to time that all this is for Helena. I know that one day I will meet someone who will be worth investing my feelings into again. Obviously, Olivier is not the person. And that's fine. It hurt how he dealt with the situation in Paris and it hurts that it came so easily to him replacing me (ME!!!) but the consolation comes from within: I've learnt how to love myself enough, one thing. The other thing is that he must have never really loved me in the first place. So as much as I was grieving a lost love, I come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing really to grieve about? I don't know... I wish him all the best and as long as for the moment I don't have to hang out with his gf. :-) (yes, yes... my ego still needs some time to get over the gf situation). Whatever. :-) None of my business. Ha ha ha. Ania, Ania, Ania. :)