I Can Only Imagine

There are moments when it really feels like we're a family: when we get together around Helena and play with her, when we talk about her future, when she makes us laugh... It really feels sometimes that the three of us are close. And it's wonderful.

Having this little family experience, I can only imagine how wonderful it must be to have a baby with someone you love and who loves you... I can only imagine...

It's hard sometimes not to get carried away with those familial images: I can see this little house, I can see Helena playing in the garden and us there together... laughing. NOT!!! STOP!!! I need to take a step back and remind myself that whatever there is now, it's not going to last and why the reason Olivier is here is not to make my dreams come true but to spend some time with Helena.

In eighteen days he is going back to Paris, to his life, to his girlfriend (ouch, that hurts me a lot) and whatever there is now, is now and soon will not be any more.

Yesterday when we were putting Helena to sleep, I said that Helena will surely miss him. I didn't say that I will as well. Like crazy. And I will. But... His presence here is for the moment and soon we will be by ourselves again. And that's ok. I just need to remind myself of this and not imagine that there is more there than there is. Though. 

Other than this we are still doing fine. Days are filled with Helena and taking care of her, which is a wonderful experience. She is getting bigger and fussier and at times she serves us outbursts of crying but generally the Little One is quite calm and composed. Still I marvel over how loud she can be when something is not the way she wants it: she cannot speak yet but she has this powerful, scare too - her longs and baby voice, which can wake up a dead person. Certainly when Helena is not pleased, at least the whole floor gets informed about it. She will scream and we will try to console her but, man, sometimes it's just impossible and has to be waited out. And once she decided she is done, she gets quiet and usually falls asleep and all goes quiet. So quiet that the quietness rings in ones ears. It just makes me appreciate these moments of silence so much!!!