Wholehearted Helena and Heartbroken Me

We went to see a doctor yesterday and the news is that Helena's the wholehearted baby, nothing was found and in two moths we have another follow-up visit. But the worst fear is gone - no holes in the heart.

Last evening was a bit difficult one. The day was full of events for Helena and when she we came back home she was completely overwhelmed and tired, which resulted in a meltdown. Feeding, spitting, falling almost asleep in the middle then waking up crying her head off. Whenever that happens I'm trying to listen to her and us all my senses to understand what is bothering her but last evening I was myself in a state of a breakdown and couldn't get synchronized with the Little One for a long time. Ended up with me in tears sitting on the toilet desperately needing a hug from another human being. Eventually Helena found her comfort and we went to sleep.

All this happened after Olivier called his brother and we/he had a chat with the whole family. Something that I so much wanted for Helena was happening. All of the sudden she has new uncles and aunts, soon she will see her grand-father and grand-mother. The whole family is there waiting to meet her. And it's wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted for my Helena. But when Olivier happily presents his daughter to the universe and becomes the best father in the world, my heart falls into a million pieces and I get upset thinking: "Where have you been for all this time before?! She is my creation. It was me who made it happen, it was me who for nine long months endured without you (Olivier) asking me how I was, how she was. Nothing! And now this show!!! I could have died during labor and you wouldn't even know. And now all this fanfare and happiness, and kisses and ma petit chat... I quite frankly feel like a spare wheel. I feel like bursting into tears. I know it's all in the past but nobody hurt me as much as Olivier did and being around him now so overjoyed and so filled with love to Helena leaves me vulnerable and heartbroken. Oh, how I wish I had a protective armor I could put on which would shield me from feeling anything. How I wish I was "like whatever" and just could swiftly move on. But instead now I would want somebody to be around me and give me a hug and let me just cry till I can't cry any more. Maybe that would bring me some relief.

Here we are: Wholehearted Helena and her heartbroken Mother.