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02.10.2015

On Hurting and Letting Go

Without getting into details, Olivier, Helena's dad, came to see her. It's love from the first sight and he cannot take his hands off her. Obviously. I saw him interacting with kids before and I've always known he would make a great father. It was sadly uncertain for a long time if he'd be Helena's dad, however. But he will and he is. Watching them together is wonderful and brings back the hope in me that this story has a happy ending for Helena. What else would I wish for?
Watching them together is also a difficult exercise for me of letting go and silencing me ego, ego which is still hurt and my ego which wants recognition: it was me who made it happen, it was and the whole world around me that brought Helena to this world. He was not there! We were all ALONE!
Watching them together makes me think that I still have feelings for him and I need to take a deep breath and remember that he is not here for me, that he is already with another woman and that I need to let it go and forget that anything would happen between the two us again. We have Helena in common but that's it. Let it go! I shed few tears over it and now mostly I'm just trying to be in the moment, not allowing the past to control me and not letting the unrealistic images get hold of my emotions. It is what it is... and I'm letting it go. For Helena, for myself... for my peace of mind. But damn it! It's not easy. Part of me wants to scream at him: " You didn't even want her in the first place!", "You lied to me!", "You treated me like a thing, had fun and threw me away and Helena when we needed you the most but instead you chose to abandon us and go on a safari holiday without thinking that we might be struggling here in Bangkok" An accusation after accusation, after accusation. And they are fair but I know that if this is supposed to work out, I need to let go. When I see him flushed with love to Helena I want to scream : "Why can't you love me any more?! (if he ever really even loved me in the first place) Why can't we be a family?! You said it'll be out year, you promised! You , you, you!!! You lied to me and it hurts!!! I hate you! I hate you for making a fool of myself and for trusting you. I hate you for all the pain and loneliness I experienced!!! Many times I cured him wishing that he loved so much one day and this love was taken away from him. Does all this hate talk help? Not really, not me at least.  I said some of these things, some are too difficult to admit yet. The anger and sadness return and the hurt ego demands to be heard again and again. As I'm listening to it,  I'm trying to give it as much love as I can myself since there is no love for it from Olivier. I'm trying to as gentle with myself as possible in this situation and talk with myself that he is just one form of love, and I can live without it. What is more, I'm doing very well without him... since I have no other choice, really.

Before Olivier came and even before he's came round and wanted to be a dad, I though I've forgiven him all this pain and wrong he did me. It only proves how little I know about forgiveness and how real peace of mind is difficult to attain. My broken heart hasn't healed yet and I feel it will need much more time to do so. A very difficult exercise. "Let it go Ania. Let it go. He has never been yours in the first place otherwise he would have stayed. Let it go and live your life with Helena, be happy and put the past in the past. Let it go. I love you, Ania and I will never leave you, I will be your rock - I've been it for a while already. Breathe out and let it go" I hear this gentle voice talking to me. Then I look at Helena and all I want for her is to have a happy mom, not bothered with some petty relationship issues. She is the relationship now, the commitment and the love now. It all needs time. Aghhh!!!

I'm happy they are together: Helena and her Dad. I need to find my own space in it with open head, open heart and realistic outlook on the situation. For my own sake, I need to make peace with the fact that Olivier's love flows in a different direction now and let him go.  So it be. Go, go, go! GO already!

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