Silent House

Ever since I broke the news that I'm not ready to drop everything and go to the States, my house turned out into a tomb.

No more laughs.

No more doing stuff together. 

No more talking even apart from a very formal: What would you like to eat. 

No more cooking together.

Nothing.

Nada. 

It's dead here and I don't think I can stand the dead much longer. He will say that he is going away soon but that's not the case. 

Would I like to go? 

Sure!

But with someone who loves me and who will stand by me when the goings are tough. Do I trust Olivier that much? No. And as much as I would like to, I don't trust that he will look after me when things are rough. Will he look after Helena. Of course! I have no doubts about that. He loves her to death and I know for a fact that he would never leave her in need. 

I've been second guessing myself... Oh, but maybe I am stuck in the past and maybe I should forgive him and just trust that everything will be ok and that because of Helena everything will be good. But I don't want it to be because of Helena! Helena can't be the reason I would to it...  Was it an easy decision? No! Of course not. I love the two of them but I also love myself and right now I'm too scared to trust someone who a year ago didn't want to know my name.

I know he cannot stay here. I know he has to work and make his dreams come true. And that's great. I wish I were a part of his dreams. Helena is, I'm not.

It's sad. Yes, it is. For now we will not share those moments raising Helena together. Oh, yes - that's my choice and now I will see how hard it is to be a single mom. I was given an option. I was given an option last year as well. Not a good one and thank god I listened to myself enough otherwise Helena wouldn't be here today.  Was this option about me? No! I was just a number: not the first and not the last one who would have an abortion. I begged and cried for help. Now I need some time to recover and build trust though I see that I won't be given a chance to build anything. Buy I had an option...

And am I scared? Yes.  I was also scared last year and somehow I managed through nine months of pregnancy. Perhaps I can manage now as well. And perhaps it's time to end being scared.

It's just a pity we will part in silence.