Mother and Daughter Part 2

Mother and Daughter: What You Give Is What You Got

Surely, an adult daughter can try to rebuild a relationship with her mother - says dr Ewa Wodyllo- Osiatynska. But what if the mother doesn't want the same? - asks Joanna Olekszyk.

What's the source of these conflicts then?

Usually it stems from the fact that the mother is immature. It's normal and only natural to be immature for a daughter. Kids will always be younger than their mothers. Being capable of making informed decisions and shaping opinions based on our experiences is a skill that we learn throughout our lives and this skill makes us mature people. We learn from books, movies and from other people. Our maturity consists of practical life skills. But just living life will not equip us with these skills. Oftentimes it even happens that a person experience a maturity block as a result of traumas, hurts, addictions, wrong models. You can be 48 and have a maturity of a teenager. This holds its truth for some mothers as well...

 Is it why they are sometimes overprotective?

This can be caused by their understanding of their role as a mother: they don't want to let go of their control over their child no matter how old the child is. Another reason might be that such an overprotective mother doesn't really have a life of her own. Fulfilling her motherly mission is the only thing she has. Even if she is in a relationship, such a mother doesn't share her bed with the partner, she doesn't plan nights out  or holidays with him. From a partner, a husband turns into a piece of occasionally used  furniture. Though it's not a relationship any more, the spouses can live like this for many years faithfully and in God. But a human is an emotional being that needs close relationships in order to live. To love somebody, to live for somebody - they are our bigger needs. And so it happens that if the relationship doesn't fulfill these needs, a woman will invest herself totally in children. Sons are not as easily dominated as daughters are who become like clay in mother's hands. On top of that, subconsciously, mothers take their daughters on a guilt trip. No mother would think: "Now I will show you and get a panic attack." She gets a panic attack by only thinking that her daughter wants to spend Christmas separately.  This is an addiction and resembles alcoholism, drug addiction and gambling. If you are addicted you can't stop by yourself unless somebody will help you by establishing healthy boundaries and saying: "Mom, don't do it". But like an addicted person a mom will retort: "How dare you talking like this to me?!" This reaction is typical of an alcoholic but in our case we deal with an addiction to a person. Such a toxic, debilitating  relationship becomes a trap for both a mother and her daughter. 

How to deal with such a toxic mother?

You deal with her like exactly like you would deal with an alcoholic. A daughter has to break the cycle of  fear,  guilt and codependency and take control over her own life. In order to do so, the daughter will need help from her support system: a husband,  friend or a colleague who will reassure her and sort of give her permission to live her own life. They should remind the daughter that her mother is an adult capable of living her own life and that the only way of getting out from this toxic predicament is through a consistent reinforcement of boundaries. For example: a daughter can announce to her mother that she is going to come to see her the day before the Christmas Eve but after she is leaving. The daughter needs to be assertive and not give in to somebody's weaknesses or addiction. I understand, however, that the Christmas example may be slightly ambiguous. Some may say: "What are you talking about? Christmas is about the Tradition, Religion and the Family..." My answer is: "Yes, it's all true but on one condition that respecting this tradition leads to something good." If Christmas becomes the time when mom always blames us on something and dad gets drunk, then this occasion becomes only an excuse for sustaining an unhealthy pattern. And that is not good. If that's the case, the only way is to break the cycle, separate and distance oneself and begin to function according to ones own values and believes. 

And so I keep thinking of my role as a mom and how it all will go between me and Helena. There has been a lot of pain and misunderstandings between me and my own mother. I want to have a healthy relationship with Helena - a relationship that will feel good for both of us. I am though aware that I will have to be very aware of what I'm doing - those imprints tend to be really strong. So, I need watch out... I want make sure that I have my own life and that I keep nurturing myself. I don't want to start living Helena's life and forget my own. I will to stay my own person - just so that later, when she grows up and leaves, I don't wake up one day and realize that there is nothing for me any more.