My pregnancy didn't start nicely. I cam back from Paris heart-broken and disappointed. I didn't know what to do, how to do it... I knew I was pregnant and that in few months everything was about to change. I knew that I didn't want to have an abortion not because I am against it but because it didn't feel like a right choice for me. I also didn't know if I can raise Helena by myself. Million questions and doubts, no answers. I was scared. I was so scared. I spent countless sleepless nights crying - feeling horrible, blaming myself for everything. I hated myself and I was my worst enemy. I was going crazy. I was working but if somebody asked me what I was doing at work, I wouldn't be able to tell. I was there, I tried to do some good and it worked but how... I have no idea really. I was a zombie.
It took me three months of vegetating, mourning and hating myself to wake up one day to a decision that enough was enough. I had a choice to either honour this time or ruin it and look back later in the future at this time and regret that I hadn't been able to love myself and Helena enough to look after the two of us. I made a decision that from then on, I would be my best friend, the one who supports and loves. I said no to the critical vice that tried to convince me that I was stupid, worthless, naive girl. It's been attacking me ever since, of course, but I've gotten better and better at ignoring and treating it more like a background noise in the mall - after a while you don't even realize that the music still plays. So that morning, I made a commitment to myself that I would fight for Ania and Helena. I would be healthy and present for the two of us. Yes, it would be hard but I realized that didn't have to make it harder for myself. I needed to be in my won team and help myself and not sabotage my efforts. I could either be miserable or content and I chose the latter.
I went back to the gym. I've been training for all this time: a bit of running, walking, weights, swimming, whatever felt good. It's been the longest training ever - the one for the body and mind. I've looked after my food and made sure that I was not overeating, though few times I surely stuffed my mouth with cake and pizza... but I made sure that that would happen only few times. Looking after my body resulted in a very easy pregnancy - all the things I was so afraid of never happened: my doctor thinks I'm downright a boring case - she gives me vitamins only (thank god!) My body has been cooperating with me and I'm so grateful to it for that. I've been feeling fantastic and, what is weird, very womanly or even sexy, I dare say. Here is the result.
Along with the body comes mind and here the work has proved to be a bit harder but it is happening and I'm very supported by people around me. Mostly, I'm optimistic. There are moments when I worry but I don't wake up in the middle of the night any more (unless they are dreams about my family), short of breath and sweated thinking that I'm hurting Helena by bringing her to to the world without making sure that her dad is there for her. One thing is that her Dad has contacted me and we've been talking ever since and that gives me some hope she will get to know him, the other thing is that I cannot account for Olivier's decisions. No more guilt there. I've also stopped obsessing about her college tuition and all the things that theoretically I'm not able to afford. Now, I can't buy them now but who knows what the future holds - there is quite a lot of potential at the place where I work, so why the hell would I not be able to give Helena things she will need? And of top of it all she doesn't need things now, she needs a present and loving mother, the rest is not really important. As I don't know the future, I only can do everything I can to make things happen. And if they don't, I will know that I've tried and find solutions to problems when they occur. Today we have no problems. Today is good and filled with love from the world and people around us.
This combination of body and mind work resulted in more peace. Of course I am scared and anxious but not panicked any more. I'm well looked after and so is Helena by me and by other people around me. We are in good hands.
When I look back to those grim days in February when I was walking the streets of Paris in tears and thinking that I should not be, I'm proud of myself that I decided, after all, to stay and do what I felt was right. And though I don't know what the future holds, closing this chapter, I am happy to look back and say after Edit Piaff "Non, je ne regrette rien." Hopefully, next parts of the story will prove to be equally regretless.
