In a Perfect World

I sat down in the abortion clinic next to Olivier, the psychologist in front of us, next to her a fifth-year psychology student, an intern at the hospital. Would I mind if he stayed - no I wouldn't.

I can't really remember everything the psychologist said, I guess she took me over the medical procedure and asked if I felt sad about my decision.  She said that it's perfectly ok to be sad and that it will go away. I wanted to punch her. I replied that in a perfect world I would not do it but as it's not a perfect world I'd have to.

That was the moment when I heard the voice in my head saying: "Make it a perfect moment then!", followed by: "You don't have to do anything that is against yourself." The voice stayed with me.

Though I still have million of doubts and I still have those questions unanswered, I want to believe that I am capable of making this pregnancy, delivery and life after as good as possible, good enough for the two of us.
The world and the situation doesn't have to be perfect - it's good when it's good.

Today I make a decision that my good enough, happy land is here and now.

Fear of Falling Down

When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized how fragile my social position is and how easily it will be for me to fall from this place on the ladder where I am at the moment.

Here in Thailand I have a comfortable life, with a stable job and earnings that allow me to cover most of my expenses and even put some cash aside. Not too much but a little. I am independent, my budget is my only concern. Or I should say 'I was'. I have decided to have this baby.  I didn't want to believe that it was a mistake of my life and that it will ruin my life. But I am scared.

I will have to go back to Poland where I have nothing. My family will help me with accommodation but that's about it. I will have to spend a few months in Lublewo, the place where I was born. I have never thought i will have to go back there, not like this, at least.  In the future, I might be able to move to Warsaw, I have some friends there and I'm sure I will be able to find something to do. After all, I am a qualified English teacher.

I sat down with a paper and pencil and started calculating. I will be poor. I will be poor and I have been running from poverty all my life.  I am scared. I am scared that I will be poor and unhappy, and that I will blame myself for this. That when I still had some time, I was led by some of my conviction and beliefs and feeling that the abortion is not for me. But what is the alternative now?

I am sitting now in my Bangkok apartment, looking around and thinking how much effort it cost me to build this fragile life of mine and how I am putting it all now in a big threat

The worst thing is that deep down I think I am ready to become a mother. The budget, however, shows numbers... and these numbers don't look that great. And I'm thinking: is it ok that because I don't have 2000 USD now, I will go to a clinic and terminate the pregnancy?

I am 32 years old and theoretically healthy and productive. I have friends all over the worlds and years of experience in teaching abroad. All these things would suggest that I should be fine. Nevertheless, I am scared that I will fail to provide my child and myself with a good standard of living.

On the other hand, taking into consideration my situation this calculation might mean as well that I would never be able to have a baby - unless I would marry which doesn't look like will happen any time soon.