Today I would be back from Paris after the abortion. I would return to my apartment in Bangkok, put my bags down and I would know that I got rid of something that had a potential of a human life. How would I feel about it and how long for? Would I be terribly sad or relieved? Would I march myself into a shrink's office and after few sessions would I be fine and functional? What would my life be?
This I will never know.
What I know is that I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I'm keeping this human being because the only reason I wouldn't have it would be finances and I feel there are more important things in life than money only. Although, I'm sacred of not having it and not being able to provide for my child on my own. But the fact that I'm around USD 3000 short now was not good enough reason for me to have this abortion.
Would be a good reason then the fact that the baby will have no father? Those of my friends who know what's going on in my life now know as well that this 'no father' is a big issue for me. I didn't sleep an entire night last night thinking about it. I'm a reading person so whatever I'm dealing with I'm trying to tame it through literature. The same I did about being a single parent. And what a bleak picture I get from all my research! It seems that I'm doomed. Not only will I struggle financially for the rest of my life but also my child will face all host of behavioural and social issues. It all makes me want to pull my hair out.
On the other hand, I experienced a disturbed home and I know that unhappy parents are no good for children anyway. But then, at least, I had few happy moments with my father and my child will have none and.... And the whole litany goes on.
It seems that I have a trouble with making up my own mind where I stand with my own convictions and beliefs.
I will blame it on hormones.
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