When I Allow Myself

Mostly I'm still panicked and crying, and not sleeping and seeing things in the darkest coulours but... But there are those moments when I feel the rays of light struggling through the layer of clouds and during these moments I wonder and imagine, and allow myself to feel the miraculous thing that is going to happen.

I'm having a developing human being in my belly. It's got everything it needs to grow into a full human being. It already is and it' is determined when it comes to its sex, colour of eyes, shape of nails, shape of the nose and more. It's truly amazing. And all this from only two cells. 

I'm going to be a mom - another quite unreal fact. I will be a role model years to come for another human being. It will lear from me how to approach life and the world. I will have a major impact on how in the future this human being is going to shape its life and relationships and truly it's a daunting task. 

In nine moths my life is going to change in a way that I can't even expect now. I know it will be hard and hard, and even harder. I've read enough blogs about single parenting to make me have three abortions and never even consider having a baby by myself but I'm still doing it and a little, very shy voice in my head is whispering that it all might be ok, that I can manage. On those rare occasions when I allow myself to hear this voice I see myself with my offspring happy. I see it smiling and thriving. I see myself smiling as well with my face in the sun gently caressed by warm wind. I see us happy - when I allow myself.