After the Observation

I was observed in the classroom yesterday. I never mind anyone watching my lessons, I like giving and receiving feedback but this time the stakes were much higher that usually. I felt that my future with the school slightly depends on how it would go. And went it well. teaching  G1 students is still a novelty to me and even after almost a year of being in the classroom with G1 I still feel like a novice. But I'm getting there and it was appreciated in the feedback.

So I can breath again. Yay!!!

I'm staying on the job and I am so lucky that I found my way to school that cares about their employees. When I was being interview, my wonderful boss whose wonderfulness and big heart I sensed from the very moment we exchanged greetings, told me that the school is like a big family. I smiled to it and though: sure,sure... But they are. When I was getting ready to go to Paris, my Boss was the first person I talked to. I knew that I can be open to hear and could tell her about anything. Initially I feared that I was putting myself in danger of being fired but after having spoken to her, I knew that whatever I would decide, I would be accepted and supported. She was with me all the time, even in Paris when I needed help with buying a return ticket because Olivier had cancelled the one I had to go back to Bangkok. She was there for me. So it happens that in some work places you are a part of a family and you will find people who will support you even though they don't know you that well. 

I'm very lucky with my bosses. Steve, Sunee, now Ms Shailly all of them have become my good friends, support me and are there for me. I am a very lucky girl.

So while I will be getting used to having a little human around, I will be also preparing for getting back to work and to university as the Thai government will force me to do my Masters next year or I'm out.

Still a lot to do.

I just hope we'll get alone with the Little one and that we will be healthy to face all these challenges. 

When I Allow Myself

Mostly I'm still panicked and crying, and not sleeping and seeing things in the darkest coulours but... But there are those moments when I feel the rays of light struggling through the layer of clouds and during these moments I wonder and imagine, and allow myself to feel the miraculous thing that is going to happen.

I'm having a developing human being in my belly. It's got everything it needs to grow into a full human being. It already is and it' is determined when it comes to its sex, colour of eyes, shape of nails, shape of the nose and more. It's truly amazing. And all this from only two cells. 

I'm going to be a mom - another quite unreal fact. I will be a role model years to come for another human being. It will lear from me how to approach life and the world. I will have a major impact on how in the future this human being is going to shape its life and relationships and truly it's a daunting task. 

In nine moths my life is going to change in a way that I can't even expect now. I know it will be hard and hard, and even harder. I've read enough blogs about single parenting to make me have three abortions and never even consider having a baby by myself but I'm still doing it and a little, very shy voice in my head is whispering that it all might be ok, that I can manage. On those rare occasions when I allow myself to hear this voice I see myself with my offspring happy. I see it smiling and thriving. I see myself smiling as well with my face in the sun gently caressed by warm wind. I see us happy - when I allow myself.