When?

When will I be normal again? When will I get back to the normal person I know; the the one who is needy and clingy butt he one who is independent and thinks that everything is possible and it's enough to believe? Where is my trust in the universe now when I need it so much? 

The fact is that I need a hug now more than anything else. A hug and an assurance that I'm wanted somewhere even if single and with a baby. I might underestimate my family and whatever I'm writing here might not be true but I need their support now more than anything else in the world and I need to hear that I can come back and be safe, that we can go and the umprella will be streatched above us and we will be fine. 

I feel like I'm already disappointing this child by not being able to celebrate it in the way it deserves to be celebrated. Instead, I sit and cry and worry, and feel down and worried and ugly, hopeless and sad. Worse than a zombie. 

I sit for hours on end on Facebook as if I was supposed to find any answers there, scroll up and sown and pretend that it gives me any comfort. I check my email box three houndred times a day thinking that maybe I will find a message from the Almighy there telling me that it will all be good. 

I bother my friends talking about the same for the zillonth time, telling them how shitty I'm feeling.

I bother myslef all over again. 

I'm sabotaging my work - I'm supposed to work and instead I sit and stare at the wall when in the classroom. I feel like behind the wall except from when I have a freind around, a human being I can feel and talk to. But then I hate myself for talking about the same all over again.

I've had very little compassion for myself these days: lots of accusations, lots of judgements but very little hugs from myself... It's so difficult to be good to myself. Except for a gym. I still go to the gym and at least this way I can care for myslef a bit.

I didn't sleep properly lat night again. I dread tonight and following nights. I want the earth to open and swollow me but I know that it's not going to happen now. I know that now nothing will happen to me because this is the lesson I'm supposed to receive and nothing will swallow me before I experience it all from a to z.

When will I be normal again?