It's not that I'm only mentally exhausted - I am exhausted all the time and I feel I could hibernate for nine months and sleep until the due date. I go for a walk and after I feel like I've climbed a mountain, I go shopping and it feels like I have gone to the North Pole and back. Where is my energy?! I want my energy back!

On top of that I am not sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts like: college tuition, extra classes, sleepless nights, colic, breast feeding, and giving birth itself. My thoughts race from one to another, I try to calm down, meditate and go back to sleep, in vain usually. Today I stared at the ceiling from 1 am till 3 am, which resulted in me getting up ay 8 am for 10 minutes for breakfast and matching back to bed again, falling onto it and getting up for lunch. Will it ever change?

I've been reading lots of things online about the blessed state of being pregnant. I'm trying to learn as much as I can since I've never operated little children like this. The only thing I know is that they don't have an off button and I won't be bored.

I wonder if there is something like a good time for having children if they require so much sacrifice and work. Are we ever done with our goals and dreams, and ambitions? My older brothers and people who already have children say: no. Children complicate everything, life becomes impossible and tiring and you want to run away but at the same time you get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure. We will see. 

In all those pregnancy materials I am reading about changes my body is going to experience in the coming moths and they freak me out. I still have a month till I start 'showing' (I truly dislike this word). So I'm using this remaining time to wear my tight fitting dresses before I start transforming into a full on whale. It took me a year to loose 14kgs and now I'm facing gaining the weight back! Damn it! Luckily, I have some good instruction as to how not to double the size and my appetite isn't that big, so I hope for the best. I also decided to watch what I eat and not allow myself chocolate or soda cravings - all these are out of the house, actually they'd never lived here really. I got some sweets from Poland when my brother was here - all given to other people. His son left some coke - thrown out. I should be safe. 

All is good, at least today but this tiredness... I'm out to the gym to get this blood moving a bit.


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