Few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. Few days before that my at that time boyfriend said that he needs to think things through, which is never a good sign. Then I found out that I am pregnant. I looked at the test in the cinema toilet and I didn't feel anything for a moment, then I let out a silly laugh. I never finished the movie I had been watching. I called a friend. The next day I tired to contact the father but I was told he didn't have time to talk to me and was asked to leave a facebook message instead. I got a reply two days later.
The guy didn't ant the child but was ready to help me to solve the problem. Filled with panic, I traveled all the way back to Europe thinking that I actually might have the abortion. I tried to talk to him but he only insisted on getting rid of it. I was devastated, I still am. I had always wanted to have children but never had imagined that I will have them alone. Well, I will have one alone as I decided not to go to the clinic.
I'm back home. I'm back to my asylum in Bangkok, that I have built with s much effort over the years and now, I will have to leave. It's a scary perspective. I will have to go back to Poland for a while and face my biggest fears and try to use all the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years. I am scared. For the first time in my life I am so scared that I can't even explain it. At the same time, I have a feeling that it will be a great personal development lesson and I am willing to learn.
I have jumped into very deep waters and now I need to learn how to swim and learn it quickly. I am not interested in drowning.
My heart is broken and I need to heal before this little human being comes to me. I don't want to hurt it but love it with all my heart and might.
I believe it is possible and I will still have a happy life.
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