Wow!!!

I finally found a way to the doctor's office today if just to find out whether I will be able to fly to Poland in June.

So I saw the doctor and asked him to repeat the ultrasound I had done in a clinic in Paris. At that time the image didn't make any impression on me. It was very poor quality and its aim was just to position the fetus. Nothing really impressive. I saw a black hole with something white and that was it.

Today was different.

I saw a human being. It didn't speak to me, or didn't show any sign that  it knew what was going on but I was still impressed. Whoever it is, they already have a heart, head, tiny arms and legs. And we are connected with the umbilical cord, which is quite impressive as well. All of it was jaw dropping. I got of the chair laughing, then I shed few tears and laughed again - crazy hormones!

I had a breakdown last night. I was on the phone with my friends back home. I was hysterical. Did I make a right choice? Will I be able to do it financially and emotionally? Will I be able to love it? Countless questions and not a single certain answer. It drives me crazy that nobody is able to give me a straight answer to anything now - hormones again mixed with my frustration about being out of control. tears, tears, a whole salty sea of tears. 'I'm scared', I would repeat, "I'm so scared." And I still am but something changed today. Of one thing I am finally sure: that whoever resides there, I will love it.

Wow!!!