A guilt trip

At this time next week I'll be frantically packing and repacking my backpack thinking that, anyway, I have forgotten most of the things. At this time next week I'll be again thinking and rethinking my decision, trying not to go crazy from feeling guilty. At this time next week the only thing I'll be wishing for will be being already on the plane as then it'll be to late to change anything. Not that I really want to. It's more that I'll be away from people who would like me change my mind and myslef. But I am who I am.

Living in a small community is an akward business. I'm so not used to it. If you don't match, then beware -  people will continually remind you that you are the odd one out here. A weirdo. A freak of nature.  I've been here for two days and I've already been asked questions about my future marriage, been warned that with my lifestyle it'll be very difficult to find a partner, to raise a family. And I'm trying to be beyond this all, but it's soooo tiring. And I see my mother who, I guess, supports me but... I see how uncomfortable she is with all these questions our neighbours and people who come keep asking about me. On one hand, I know that I do what she wanted to do but never had a chance, on the other I see that it's a struggle for her. I see how she keeps asking herself: "why is she the way she is? couldn't she be a nice girl, a normal one so that everybody would stop nagging me?" What is normal? I don't know. Here normal is the way everybody behaves. That's normal. And according to their standards, I'm not normal. I'm trying not to care but somehow it bothers me.
It'll be a great task for me for next couple of months to get rid of this sense of guilt I'm carrying within.  I'll be on a massive guilt trip but the thing is that I know that I can't do anthing else but go. This is who and what I am.

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