Holidays!

Yay!!! And the reason I'm so excited about being off from school is that I will have the whole time in the world to spend with Helena. I will be able to kiss her and squeeze her all morning long without any time limits. I will be able to take her for a walk in the morning, the way I like it best. I will be able to see her more than for three hours a day. Yay! And yay, and yay!

I'm ready to celebrate.

Our little home has been ready for a while: the Christmas tree has been put up for more than a week; my first Christmas tree in Thailand, my first tree for Helena (I even managed to make some decorations by myself). Yay! The presents under the tree didn't last long: Helena opened hers last week, I got mine today. Olivier's are coming tomorrow. 

And then on Monday we are off to Phuket where I'm seeing my cousin Magda with her family, which is absolutely great. I can't wait.

I really hope that nothing will spoil my mood. Or I'd rather should say that I hope I will not allow anyone to devastate my holidays: I should be in charge.

I'm still not sure about all this business of spending Christmas together like a family and not being one. It does my head a little especially that I would like to be one. There's nothing I can do to convince Olivier and I haven't even tried. I'm trying to hear it and take it that a family isn't something he wants at the moment. It's rough but it's his truth. My truth is that I'm not taking it very well but I'm trying to be normal. Except from those occasions when I  lose it over the woman and try to find out as much as possible about the character of their relationship. He says it's purely sexual - well, that doesn't comfort me at all. Maybe I should get laid. Maybe that would comfort me for a moment. NOT!!! I don't really think that is a way to fix my broken heart and find peace. Then what? And how long this fixing will last? Ohhhhh!!! Fucking, fucking, fucking disaster! 

I've just read: "There is no need to be scared of anybody. But if that's the case, it means that we gave this someone  power to scare us."  I feel it might also apply to situations: like in my case: Olivier and Gaelle would not upset me so much if I didn't allow them to. It wouldn't be so difficult for me if I knew how to just let it go and not treat it like something oh so much important to me that it makes me go crazy. 

So here it is: an exercise for the coming days: not allowing this woman and him make me sad. Not allow the thoughts about it spoil my holiday: my precious time with my little one. Yes, I think that's a reasonable thing to do instead of getting laid. 

What Is Going On

Few nights ago I wrote this long post at night in which I was ranting about how horrible everything was here. 

In my head. It was horrible in my own head. I was horrible that I allowed all these negativity in my head. It's me and only me who can choose how I will react to things. 

Sure, it's not nice to find out that Olivier is going on holiday with another woman. A woman who if I met, I would strangle with my own hands. Really, I'm not joking Gaelle, you don't want to meet me. Not now at least. But if that all really bothered me that much, I should probably pack his suitcases and send him off from where he had come. I'm not doing it. I should not complain then.

And he is great with Helena. Sure, sure - Helena is one thing and he is staying because of her. But also because he helps so much with her and OMG, he really is a good dad. We are not together and that makes me sad and bothers me but when I look at Helena and him... It's unreal and all the grief goes away. Till it comes back... and surely it will come back in February. Or not... maybe by February I will be so tired of it all that the only option will be to let it go or go crazy.

I told Olivier that I was snooping on his Facebook.I don't want to be this person but the temptation was too big. I looked and... couldn't sleep for two days being angry and ashamed of myself. So I just told him. And now it's done. By the way - he was more amused than pissed off.

And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.

On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.

Dad Is Coming Back

Olivier lands on Wednesday and will be staying with us for three months. Yes, yes. And maybe longer later when he figures out what he can do in Thailand. Hmmm. How do I feel about it? I have mixed feelings, I must admit. Part of me is happy because raising a little baby like Helena all my myself and working, and trying to find a bit of time for myself is exhausting to say the least. Helena is an easy child but I am tired anyway. I feel that if I eventually fall asleep one day, I will be sleeping for a few days. With Olivier here, I will have a support, an additional pair of hands and a pair of ears to talk to when frustration kicks in. On the other hand, I am wondering if what we are doing isn't some sort of a lie. We are going to live like a family for these coming months but we are not a one. Helena will be surely happy to have her mom and dad together but we are not together. Will in not confuse her. And what's next? One day he will move out and we will stay by ourselves again? And then what? How will we ever move on with our private lives? I'm not planning to stay alone for the rest of my life but with him here I'm not sure if I'm giving myself  a chance  to close the Olivier door and move on. Especially that I still have feelings for him. I know what he did and how he treated me but nevertheless I still like him. I'm trying not to have any hopes for us. He made it quite clear in February that he doesn't love me - I'm not really sure if he ever had. He made it clear in October when said he doesn't want to be in a relationship, just fun, just sex. Brrr. And I'm not up for it. Brrrr. I want something more, something better. Something more fulfilling. So I'm trying to be realistic. We are not happening and all that is for Helena and to make the two of them, Her and Olivier, create the bond they need for the future. I will eventually find my own place in all this.

Go the F!@# to Sleep!!!

Oh, Helena's finally given in and has gone to sleep. It was not easy - she is a fighter and doesn't like to give in but eventually she can stay up only for a while and when the tiredness comes, she will go crazy for a moment and then just drop. Just like this, no power, no more energy, done. She is asleep. Good. I put her down on the bed. I withdrew quietly just to be called back after few minutes! But I have reports to write and lesson plans to prepare! Don't you know Helena? No, she doesn't. But, but... all this time when she's been asleep I've managed to complete comments for two of my students, and I'm writing this as quickly as possible hoping that after I put a full stop, I will joing Helena and close my eyes for few moments. 

Nope, she's crying.... 

@#$!

Oh, she's stopped. 

She's not moving! Oh no, she is. 

Legs up, a cry out.

No, no - maybe it's a false alarm, maybe she will go back to sleep... C'mon, Helena, you are knackered!

Nope.

I need to go.

F@#$!!!

I will sell her to the gypsies! :-)

How Hopeless It Feels Sometimes

The weekend is over. It was looong. And full of crying. Interchengably Helena and I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to help her, she cried because she wasn't helped. I hated it. I hate when my otherwise happy Baby is so unhappy that she cannot breath any more from crying.

I felt angry as well. At her. Angry at this little baby who doesn't known what's going on with her. Angry. Angry so much that I told her to shut up. Few times. She didn't but I'm sure she must not have liked my tone. And then I felt like such an asshole for telling her to shut up and for being angry. And I cried. And we both cried.She cried because I didn't understand my Baby. I cried because I felt guilty, hopeless, tired and depleated, and sleepy, and lonely.

I love Helena with every monecule of my body. I'm writing this post lying next to her in bed and feeling so much love for this Little Girl. But still, I wanted her to shut up. Crying baby is difficult to stand. Crying baby in hysterics is even more challenging. Though I know I should control my anger and never be disrespectful of my Baby. I apologized. I'm trying to be best mom I can. I fail somtimes. But it's another day tomorrow and we start the game from the beginning. There will be more challenging days to come and more work for me to do on myself and my emotions. It'll never end.

The weekend is over. Our home is quiet and filled with love and the smell of the baby, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Hectic

It's been over two weeks since I came back from work and it's been... well, hectic. Everything has to be planned down to the smallest detail if I don't want to go mad in the morning. I still wake up around 5:30 but now the chances are that Helena will wake up with me and if I didn't prepare something the evening before, I can forget that I will do it in the morning. And on top of everything, I prefer to spend this time with her than to do anything else.

Then the nanny comes at around 7:15 and I have to leave immediately to school. With a heavy heart and heave legs that I drag behind me.

If my schedule allows and there is nothing urgent to do at school, I can come for few minutes and feed her. Luckily, I live close by and I can do it. Seeing her in the middle of the day when she is all calm and well rested is such a pleasure. Then I run to school again, the milk pump under my arm in case I can't see her for the second feeding. If this happens, I lock myself in a school toilet and pump hoping that all this will not disturb my milk supply. I would like to feed Helena only with my milk till the end of February though sometimes I think that maybe it's just too much and I should just give her formula and that's it. Last week especially I was all in doubts since at the end of the day she seemed to be very confused and fussy at the breast and that combined with me being tired was not very pleasent for the two of us. Last week I ened up crying twice. She cried and I cried. She cried because... I don;t really know why... Probably because she is a baby and that's what they do. I cried because I felt like a failure, a horrible mother who didn't know how to stop my baby from whatever distress she was going through. I hated it so much. And I still do. But it seems to be ok this week. It's just Tuesday but so far we didn't experience any major dramas and the days and evenings have been going quite smoothly. 

I come back from work around 4, three times a week the nanny is till 5 and theoretically I could go to the gym but usually something comes up: like errands that I didn't do on the weekend and if that's the case, I can forget my gym plans. And if there are no errands to run, I'm usually too tired to gym. Instead, I'd rtaher take a nap for an hour and gear myslef for the evening shift with Helena. Though, I managed to do a 30 minute workout on Monday and maybe I can do the same tomorrow. If, on top of that all, I won't feel too guilty to go to the gym instead of running to Helena immediately after work.

Then I come home... Do I have lunch for the next day? Do I have dinner for the present evening? If not... well, then I will use whatever time I have to cook... That;s why the gym has to wait very often too. 

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I must say that I can't wait for Oliver to come and help me. Before he came in October, I was by myself and all was fine but then I experienced a spare pair of hands and how much easier and more fun it was to have him around with Helena. And so I miss it. I really do. I know I was supposed to do it all by myself but doing it in a duet is much, much, much more pleasant. And it's better for Helena as well to have him around. 

Helena is asleep now and I'm using these few moments for myself before I close my eyes next to her and open them again for feeding at night and then in the morning when I will see Helena smiling to me. I love those mornings. Fortunately, I managed to prepare and pack everything for tomorrow, so the morning is ours. 

Cry Baby, Cry...

I come back from work and take over from a beaming nanny who tells me that she's had the best day with Helena. I quickly take of my working clothes, jump into the shower, from there: jump into a pair of shorts and a tank top which is easy to remove when I feed her and jump into the kitchen when frantically I steam the breast pump, bottles with one hand and make food for the next day with the other one. And then 5 comes and the nanny leaves.

Yesterday she left Helena sleeping. Of course sleeping like an angel. And then she woke up at 5:30 and the hell broke lose. She cried and cried and cried. I tried any way I know to console her: feeding her with my breasts - didn't work, with the bottle - didn't work, hugging - nope, leaving her alone - no and no, and no. Nothing. Colic? Maybe. But she stopps crying and after a while starts again. I was told colic is one constant cry. I don' t know what Im doing wrong. No idea. I thought that Im feeling Helena and we had developed a good relationship but since I came back to work, I seem not to get her any more. I seem to be in the dark. And my self-confidence as a mom has been decreasing. All this ended me sobbing. Helena was crying and I was in tears. I have no idea how many times I repeted that I was listening to her, that I understood, and that I loved her. Nothing worked. Then out of nowhere she stopped. Just like this and went to sleep. Later on, I had to join her in bed for some more teaty time but it was already easier and calmer. Then I woke up at 12 and she slept so beautifully and so calmly.

What if she doesn't like me? What if she likes her nanny more now and she misses her and wants to be with her more than with me? That breaks my heart to think Helena has changed her mind about me.

But no. Let's not think this way, I though last night.

Today, I came back from work. The nanny says it was a wonderful day with Helena. I gulped down dinner. I frantically change my clothes. I take over.

Helena is crying again. And Im in tears again too. In big tears of helplessness. We both cry. We're both lost, I guess.