The water ceremony performed today was supposed to wash away all the bad things that happened last year and bring a good luck in the following one. I think I will have to repeat this ceremony again and again because luck is what I will need in buckets.
It's a holiday time and we are off from school for almost two weeks. I'm sure when we come back to work, I will be well showing what I'm carrying inside me... I can see it already but it's not so obvious for the world just yet.
The two weeks will be devoted towards exercising, meditating, healthy eating and generating as many positive thoughs as possible so that my future son or daughter feel safe and welcome, and stress free. The amount of cortisol it got in recent months has been enough and I don't need to flush my brain and body more with stress - I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that later. Though I'm trying to prepare for this stress as well and I have reached out to the schools psychologist so that we can talk and get me ready for the baby. If the post-partum depression hits, I also want to have someone who will be there for me and talk sense when I won't make any.
I am well aware that it's impossible to control everything but at least I will try to be prepared for the things I can foresee now. But, after all, one step at a time. I was advised not to plan too much.
I was thinking for a moment of going to Kanchanaburi but it's the place where I met Olivier and I'm not totally sure if I can face it just now. It was there when I saw him speaking to this little French girl with so much love and interest that my heart almost exploded with awe. And other beautiful things had happened there that now are just too painful to remember. So maybe some time in the future but not just now.
I have started a collection of dolls and teddy bears from friends around the world and I got toys from Bangladesh and Hong-Kong yesterday. They are beautiful and cute and I'm sure they will be useful and well loved. I'm starting to collect things which for the first time in a long time are not things for me.
Everything is changing.
I will pour more water over myself today and make sure that I pray to gods so that they protect us.
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