Decisions

I finally had to make a decision where I will give a birth and stay, and live. Initially, I though I would go to Poland but that would mean that I would have to go back to the place where I really don't want to be. I have nothing against Poland and even my village but too many too painful around there. I did everything in my power not to live there and I had promised myself that I would not go back - so it was difficult even to think that I would have to. I thought: beggars are not choosers but then I realized that I am not a beggar. Yes, asked my friends for help and I will still ask them if I have to but that doesn't mean that I am a beggar. My choice is to stay here where I feel I belong, where I don't have to feel guilty that I disturb anybody's lives or that I'm depriving anyone of anything. I was offered tons of help. My friends are there for me and the world is listening to my pleads. It tells me not to be afraid and trust my instincts. My friends, my global Family have made me believe that although the goings are though, I can do it and they are by my side. I can't ask for more. I don't have a partner and my child doesn't have a father who wants to be with us, but we have friends and we are not alone.

Of course, I'm scared to death. I would be silly not to. Each mother mother and father I've spoken to is scared. However, now that I'm in the safe spot, I can relax and tame my fears. I can start really enjoying this time I have - the next four and a half months when my child is going to develop inside me (what?!). I will never happen again. I will never be pregnant for the first time again so I might as well embrace it and enjoy as much as I can.

I am grateful that my pregnancy hasn't caused me any trouble so far. I still can work, I still can exercise, I can look after myself - I am fully functional. I am grateful for my body which is handling this wonderfully. I am grateful for my heath and my strength and well-being.

It seems that I have just finished writing an introduction to our new life. I'm glad that the end of this chapter is more hopeful and optimistic to what it was at the beginning. I wish for myself and for my child that the following parts of our book end equally well. 

To all these wonderful people out there who have been there for me during this first difficult stretch,  THANK YOU so much. You give me courage and self-confidence, and you make me believe that there is place for me and for the child among you.