Till Next Time

Olivier left last night. He stayed with us for a month and what a stay it was!  It was just great. Difficult for me at the beginning but once I got everything out, things got much easier and relaxed. We had four weeks of carrying for Helena and he proved to be a great care taker. I knew it from the day I met him that Olivier will be a good father - I's seen  him interacting with children... So in these four weeks, Olovier helped me with everything: he changed her, he successfully fed her with a bottle few times, he walked her, he talked to her and he did everything he could to be present as much as possible. And he was. And I was as well. For those few weeks we were there only for out little Helena who now has two parents who love her very much and who made peace with each other. Good things are ahead of us. We will see Olivier again in December when he comes back. Till next time then.

The wounds are still there but I feel they're are going to start healing from now on. 

I'm very happy that things are going the way they are. 

I'm going back to work on Monday. That is a bit less of a happy news. I's hoped I would be able to get one more month but it surely is impossible and Sunday is my last day with Helena and I feel like it'll be a great emotional struggle for me. But I have no other option and I need to do what I need to do. Luckily, I work close to home and I will be able to come home and feed her or she will be coming to school for a boob. 

So that's that. 

A Rant

I've been there already: I've been in situations when another woman was involved. I know it by heart and I know what not to do to drive myself crazy: it's already painful enough. He says that it's nothing serious between them, that it's only sex - as if it was supposed to give me consolation. He says that he doesn't want anything serious at the moment and all his energies will be focused now on his new business and Helena - as if it was supposed to make me feel happier. It doesn't. It doesn't. In a day he will be back home and most possibly with her. Yes, I know - none of my business. And I don't want it to be my business. What they do, as long as Helena is not involved, is none of my business. I just would like to tell her once that it was shit that she was ready, not even knowing me or what was between me and Olivier, that this strange woman was ready to meet me in Paris and try to convince me that I should have an abortion and that she was ready to make threats about taking Helena from me should I follow any legal actions. Finally,  she was ok Olivier and me going through it... Who are you woman?! If you ever read this, know that we will never be friends and if you ever come close to my daughter I will rip you into pieces (fyi not really, it's just a figure of speech. Don't be scared. Olivier told me you were when the post was originally published.) Maybe I'm not fair, maybe you are a nice person but for now, I don't care just like you didn't care about what I was going through in February. I will try not think about you too much any more because it's a waste of energy and I hope it's the very last time when I feel such a strong emotion about you. He is all yours!  Oh, woman! How I dislike you for that!!!I really hope that out paths will not cross any time soon because I might loose it. Anyway...

One, two, three. Save energies, Ania, save energies. 

So this is what I'm dealing with today - her, Gaelle is her name, and I also saw her picture which puts a face... Oh... Hard stuff. Hard stuff. I'm furious with him, I'm furious with her. I went back today to the last message I got from Olivier before leaving France in February and it says that she would support him in getting an exclusive custody over Helena. WTF!

Take him, take him he is all yours. I have somebody more precious. I have Helena who is pure love and nothing but love.

One, two, three...

The end of the rant.

Today's Meditation - All Structure and Orientation Is Essentially Arbitrary.

Something to think about.

Domiance

"Sun shines in the centre of the sky. All things turn their faces toward the light."

"All things in this life depend on direction. In our world, all is oriented toward the sun? The planets revolve around it, the seasons depend upon it, and out very own concept of night and day is tied to the sun's rise and setting. The sun is the dominant element of our lives.

In all othe areas of our actions, we cannot avoid making arrangement that have a centre or orientation. Our lives require composition, just as the solar system has a relationship and structure. Yet all structure and orientation is essentially arbitrary.

We take the sun as the centre of our world because of our vantage point. To someone standing in another galaxy, our sun is nothing more than another point in limitless space. There is no absolute standard by which to truly call something the centre. Therefore, all arrangements and all compositions, all determinations of a dominant element are relative, subjective and provisional. 

There is no center except for that in our own consciousness. Wen we look at the sun and the arrangement of the planets, we must also include ourselves as observers. How else is there determination of what is being seen?  Consciousness is part of the phenomenon. We are the centre, and there is no absolute measure."

This Little Girl

When I found out thatbI was pregnant, it was like finding out that I was going to the Moon. I was petrified. I was scared that I won't be able to make it happen financially and emotionally. Would I be able to love her? Would I like her? Would I connect to her or would I be cold and distant? I read lots of things about instances when mothers don't like their children. I read about how some mothers reject their offspring and I was scared that I might be one of them. My maternal instincts had never been srong... And with all this initial mess with Olivier and my emotional turmoil, I was scared that I might project my resentment on an innocent human being. I had one thousand questions and very few definite answers.

Helena arrived and all of the sudden all those doubts disappeared.

Helena made me fall for her in secods. I look at her with each glance, I feel my love for her is growing stronger. Each day, this little girl shows me that I have tons of love to give and that this love is like no other loves I've ever experienced.

I love her, I love her, I love her.

I love her easy and I love her fussy. I love her happy and annoyed. I love her sleeping and I love hanging out with her. I love her in the morning, afternoon and at night. I love her deeply and happily and I will do my best so that this relationship is growing stronger and deeper.

I have a wonderful little girl who is my teacher and a guide. She shows me the way, I tune in and listen and together we walk our days.

I cannot be happier.

Recent Days

It's been seventeen days since Olivier came. Seventeen very emotional, sad and happy days. Seventeen days of practicing how to let go of the past - not forgetting but also not dwelling too much any more of what happened and what did not. It is what it is and I feel it is good.

Helena is happy. She loves spending time with Olivier and has managed to make him fall in love with her. That's good. The two of them are fantastic and I love watching how this relationship is developing. He's spending all his waking hours carrying for her, changing nappies and doing all these things a dad does. Of course, reality check - it's their relationship - not mine and his. However, being in such a proximity,  we are learning how to be around each other as well since we will see each other and we will work together, hopefully, for the rest of our lives or at least as long as Helena's parenting will require us to stay in touch. And we both want this relationship to work. We both want Helena to have a happy, predictable and stable childhood around adults who will be able to have a good relationship with each other. "But he hurt you so much", I hear the voices. He did and I will not forget that but at the same time... What's the use of thinking about it again and again? I've become tired of this drama, I'm choosing peace and at least I'm trying to move on.

In moderate peace I've been spending time with this little family not-family of mine just reminding myself from time to time that all this is for Helena. I know that one day I will meet someone who will be worth investing my feelings into again. Obviously, Olivier is not the person. And that's fine. It hurt how he dealt with the situation in Paris and it hurts that it came so easily to him replacing me (ME!!!) but the consolation comes from within: I've learnt how to love myself enough, one thing. The other thing is that he must have never really loved me in the first place. So as much as I was grieving a lost love, I come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing really to grieve about? I don't know... I wish him all the best and as long as for the moment I don't have to hang out with his gf. :-) (yes, yes... my ego still needs some time to get over the gf situation). Whatever. :-) None of my business. Ha ha ha. Ania, Ania, Ania. :)

Mom

It was four years ago when I received this horrible phone call. She was gone, she made her final decision. The pain after a close one takes ones life is immense. I can't explain it or compare it to anything else. I was on the floor half-conscious, in tears, feeling that with her going, part of me died. And it did. It died in pain, it died in tears. On the floor. At the same time, however, in all this pain and despair, I was born again. In all that what was left of me, I managed to make a decision that my mom's deaths will not come in vain and I would honor her by becoming a better person, by trying living my life against all odds. I made that decision then and I've had to repeat it twice more - recelntly when I found out that I would have Helena. I decided that no matter what life throws at me, I will endure and walk forwards. Since the 1st of September I've been walking with my little daughter: walking calmly, gracefully, humbly but with my head up high. 

I miss Mom. I miss her every day. I will never stop. I know, though, that her spirit is with us and she lives through us: through me and Helena. I know that she huards us and sends light to us. I know that she is happy seeing me and Helena. That is all that matters.

My mom was and amazing person and I only hope that in her next life she will be happier and that she will never have to experience pain she experienced in this life.

 

 

I Can Only Imagine

There are moments when it really feels like we're a family: when we get together around Helena and play with her, when we talk about her future, when she makes us laugh... It really feels sometimes that the three of us are close. And it's wonderful.

Having this little family experience, I can only imagine how wonderful it must be to have a baby with someone you love and who loves you... I can only imagine...

It's hard sometimes not to get carried away with those familial images: I can see this little house, I can see Helena playing in the garden and us there together... laughing. NOT!!! STOP!!! I need to take a step back and remind myself that whatever there is now, it's not going to last and why the reason Olivier is here is not to make my dreams come true but to spend some time with Helena.

In eighteen days he is going back to Paris, to his life, to his girlfriend (ouch, that hurts me a lot) and whatever there is now, is now and soon will not be any more.

Yesterday when we were putting Helena to sleep, I said that Helena will surely miss him. I didn't say that I will as well. Like crazy. And I will. But... His presence here is for the moment and soon we will be by ourselves again. And that's ok. I just need to remind myself of this and not imagine that there is more there than there is. Though. 

Other than this we are still doing fine. Days are filled with Helena and taking care of her, which is a wonderful experience. She is getting bigger and fussier and at times she serves us outbursts of crying but generally the Little One is quite calm and composed. Still I marvel over how loud she can be when something is not the way she wants it: she cannot speak yet but she has this powerful, scare too - her longs and baby voice, which can wake up a dead person. Certainly when Helena is not pleased, at least the whole floor gets informed about it. She will scream and we will try to console her but, man, sometimes it's just impossible and has to be waited out. And once she decided she is done, she gets quiet and usually falls asleep and all goes quiet. So quiet that the quietness rings in ones ears. It just makes me appreciate these moments of silence so much!!! 

Helena and Olivier

I never doubted for a moment that Olivier will be a good dad. Last year I saw him interacting with kids and it was the cutest sight ever and now I've been having this cute view in fton of me for last few days.

And cute it is indeed.

Helena seems to have fallen in love with her dad and loves being rocked in his arms. They both love it. And Olivier can't take his hand off her. A million kisses a day. A million hugs a day. Days filled with love. As a mom I can't be happier.

As a woman who still has feelings for Olivier, I'm jealous. Of course I am! Jealous and sad that his love is for Helena only and the day will come when I will not be needed around any more and the two of them will have their own things going on but without me. Since we are not a family, I will not be involved. Lots of work ahead for me in this department.

But even though I'm feeling all these things, I'm filled with joy that the two of them have found their way to each other. Hopefully they will be able to make it a life lasting, strong relationship.

And as for me... I will have to... let it go.

All Is Quiet - the En of the Chapter

Yesterday it was a peak of my emotional meltdown. It seems like I let everything out verbally to Olivier and after that, like after Helena's delivery, all went quiet and peaceful.

I've made this decision before twice: after my Mom's death and later in Canada when all went wrong, that I would move on no matter what and will turn the negative into the positive. I'm making this decision now as well. With a lot of help from people around me and with my own determination, I managed to give a birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl - a blessing. Now, after such a long time Olivier has joined me in the parenthood to this Little Miracle - another blessing. Another one is that we still can be friendly and talk to each other. And that it's not perfect and that we won't live together in a cute house with a white fence... well, I guess dreams sometimes don't come true. Or maybe I should expect that I will live in this dream one day but with someone else. 

Helena has two parents: two big people who are crazy about her and who will do everything to make this girl happy and whole. I can't be happier for her. Another blessing.

Blessings and quietness with few breaks for Helena adding her cries.  I'm going to enjoy this quietness and the precious moments I'm having with my little family here. 

I'm officially opening closing this chapter and I'm rather eager to see how a new one is going to unfold.

 

Wholehearted Helena and Heartbroken Me

We went to see a doctor yesterday and the news is that Helena's the wholehearted baby, nothing was found and in two moths we have another follow-up visit. But the worst fear is gone - no holes in the heart.

Last evening was a bit difficult one. The day was full of events for Helena and when she we came back home she was completely overwhelmed and tired, which resulted in a meltdown. Feeding, spitting, falling almost asleep in the middle then waking up crying her head off. Whenever that happens I'm trying to listen to her and us all my senses to understand what is bothering her but last evening I was myself in a state of a breakdown and couldn't get synchronized with the Little One for a long time. Ended up with me in tears sitting on the toilet desperately needing a hug from another human being. Eventually Helena found her comfort and we went to sleep.

All this happened after Olivier called his brother and we/he had a chat with the whole family. Something that I so much wanted for Helena was happening. All of the sudden she has new uncles and aunts, soon she will see her grand-father and grand-mother. The whole family is there waiting to meet her. And it's wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted for my Helena. But when Olivier happily presents his daughter to the universe and becomes the best father in the world, my heart falls into a million pieces and I get upset thinking: "Where have you been for all this time before?! She is my creation. It was me who made it happen, it was me who for nine long months endured without you (Olivier) asking me how I was, how she was. Nothing! And now this show!!! I could have died during labor and you wouldn't even know. And now all this fanfare and happiness, and kisses and ma petit chat... I quite frankly feel like a spare wheel. I feel like bursting into tears. I know it's all in the past but nobody hurt me as much as Olivier did and being around him now so overjoyed and so filled with love to Helena leaves me vulnerable and heartbroken. Oh, how I wish I had a protective armor I could put on which would shield me from feeling anything. How I wish I was "like whatever" and just could swiftly move on. But instead now I would want somebody to be around me and give me a hug and let me just cry till I can't cry any more. Maybe that would bring me some relief.

Here we are: Wholehearted Helena and her heartbroken Mother.

On Hurting and Letting Go

Without getting into details, Olivier, Helena's dad, came to see her. It's love from the first sight and he cannot take his hands off her. Obviously. I saw him interacting with kids before and I've always known he would make a great father. It was sadly uncertain for a long time if he'd be Helena's dad, however. But he will and he is. Watching them together is wonderful and brings back the hope in me that this story has a happy ending for Helena. What else would I wish for?

Watching them together is also a difficult exercise for me of letting go and silencing me ego, ego which is still hurt and my ego which wants recognition: it was me who made it happen, it was and the whole world around me that brought Helena to this world. He was not there! We were all ALONE!

Watching them together makes me think that I still have feelings for him and I need to take a deep breath and remember that he is not here for me, that he is already with another woman and that I need to let it go and forget that anything would happen between the two us again. We have Helena in common but that's it. Let it go! I shed few tears over it and now mostly I'm just trying to be in the moment, not allowing the past to control me and not letting the unrealistic images get hold of my emotions. It is what it is... and I'm letting it go. For Helena, for myself... for my peace of mind. But damn it! It's not easy. Part of me wants to scream at him: " You didn't even want her in the first place!", "You lied to me!", "You treated me like a thing, had fun and threw me away and Helena when we needed you the most but instead you chose to abandon us and go on a safari holiday without thinking that we might be struggling here in Bangkok" An accusation after accusation, after accusation. And they are fair but I know that if this is supposed to work out, I need to let go. When I see him flushed with love to Helena I want to scream : "Why can't you love me any more?! (if he ever really even loved me in the first place) Why can't we be a family?! You said it'll be out year, you promised! You , you, you!!! You lied to me and it hurts!!! I hate you! I hate you for making a fool of myself and for trusting you. I hate you for all the pain and loneliness I experienced!!! Many times I cured him wishing that he loved so much one day and this love was taken away from him. Does all this hate talk help? Not really, not me at least.  I said some of these things, some are too difficult to admit yet. The anger and sadness return and the hurt ego demands to be heard again and again. As I'm listening to it,  I'm trying to give it as much love as I can myself since there is no love for it from Olivier. I'm trying to as gentle with myself as possible in this situation and talk with myself that he is just one form of love, and I can live without it. What is more, I'm doing very well without him... since I have no other choice, really.

Before Olivier came and even before he's came round and wanted to be a dad, I though I've forgiven him all this pain and wrong he did me. It only proves how little I know about forgiveness and how real peace of mind is difficult to attain. My broken heart hasn't healed yet and I feel it will need much more time to do so. A very difficult exercise. "Let it go Ania. Let it go. He has never been yours in the first place otherwise he would have stayed. Let it go and live your life with Helena, be happy and put the past in the past. Let it go. I love you, Ania and I will never leave you, I will be your rock - I've been it for a while already. Breathe out and let it go" I hear this gentle voice talking to me. Then I look at Helena and all I want for her is to have a happy mom, not bothered with some petty relationship issues. She is the relationship now, the commitment and the love now. It all needs time. Aghhh!!!

I'm happy they are together: Helena and her Dad. I need to find my own space in it with open head, open heart and realistic outlook on the situation. For my own sake, I need to make peace with the fact that Olivier's love flows in a different direction now and let him go.  So it be. Go, go, go! GO already!