2015

What a year it's been!

I started it off beautifully in the arms of a man who seemed to be madly in love with me and I was madly in love with him. In Paris, in the city of love our love affair took place. And then something happened and he decided to part ways. Fine with me but then few days later it turned out that the short yet very intense romance ended up with me getting pregnant. Out of this short time when we loved each other Helena was created and the rest is history...

Then there was a very dark time and I wrote about it here. It was a horrible beginning of my pregnancy - to be left alone, first baby... very sad. Till one day when I was so tired of crying and so sick of feeling horrible that I decided to stop. Following my decision, I went back to the gym, started looking after myself better by being my own best friend and companion. When I did that, the Universe put plenty of people on my path who helped me to make this time of waiting for Helena a very special one.

And so out of love of so many people and out of love of the Universe Helena was born. Out of my hard work and good energy I put into her, a beautiful little girl was born who I have fallen in love with instantly.

And then something quite significant happened: Oliver arrived to meet Helena and they fell in love with each other.

Yes, definitely it's been an eventful year. I wouldn't like to go through many of the lonely and sleepless nights of my pregnancy. I wouldn't like to sit again at the doctor's office considering an abortion but I would give a birth again and I would do the same exact thing again and again. Helena is a gift. Helena is... Helena is everything to me at the moment and I'm the happiest mom in the world. 

I'm happy and grateful that Olivier is with us and that he is such a great dad for Helena. My heart grows when I see these two together. Yes, yes - there are many other things going on in the background which are less pleasant, but when I isolate Helena and him from the emotional chaos and noise, I get a really nice picture of a dad and his daughter who love each other dearly. We both love her unconditionally and completely. We both are trying to be best parents we can and I think out little princess is quite happy with us: she has already laughed outloud few times when we played with her and she gives us a lot of beautiful smiles each day, hence I assume she feels content with us. And what more would I wish for? Yes, yes... my personal life but it will come together one day, I'm sure. Just slowly (sic!) and one thing at a time. 

So yes, 2015 is over. 

I'm sure 2016 will be equally if not more exciting.

Happy New Year, Everyone.

Helena's Citizenships

So we're working on Helena's citizenships - it's not the easiest thing to get done - Thais love their papers and we need to wait for everything and make few more trips to the almighty Cheang Wattana - a governmental offices complex that reminds me Kafka. Hopefully, we will get all so important stamps tomorrow and we will be able to register Helena as a French citizen. Seems like the French have the most friendly administration. In the Polish embassy, I was told that getting Helena's passport will take quite a long time, the woman at the counter rolled her eyes when she told me that making it clear that the process will be convoluted.  Never mind, really as long as she has some sort of a travelling document - so far she's been a non-citizen though a legally recognized by the two parents. Soon, Helena will be not only Mulica but also Sibileau, the little Polsh-French citizen but mostly the citizen of the world. Yay!!! My Little Monkey!

My Little Monkey is the most beautiful and the gentlest little girl in the world. She has her weaker moments when she will cry but she always has a good reason to raise a alarm. Otherwise she is happy and content. We can take her out, walk with her for hours and she will rarely complain. She is friendly and loves hanging out with us. She gives us houndreds of smiles each day and when she smiles, it feels like the whole Universe smiles to us. She is the best! I can't even say how happy I am being her mom, looking after and helping her. I'm so happy that her dad loves her as well, and he does love this little girl like from here to the Moon and back - Our Little Polish-French Baby Girl.

So much for writing... the Little One is waking up.

Home Sweet Home?

We are back home.

I want to be back by the sea!

It was the quickest holiday in the world. And a very good one as well. Hard at times but good. We are good around each other. We like each other and we love Helena. That has to be good enough.

I will try and make myself believe that this is really what I think about this compromise. All will take time. Time, time, time.

And I need to remember that patience is the key to everything. Patience, stillness, open and clear mind, open heart... all these will help to rebuild peace. 

And now... sleep time. A good night sleep next to my princess who was also not very content this evening that we didn't take her for a walk on the beach. Soon we will be back in the sand again. Very soon: I just need to save up some money and we will be on holiday again.

Checking Out

Tomorrow we're going back to Bangkok. Our family hoilday is coming to an end. And what a trip it was!!!

Helena is a great company. This little girls lives water, swimming with her parents, playing with is in a bath and walking with us along tla beach. She was with us all the time and it's been such a great pleasure to look after her, play with her and show her new things.

Olivier is a great dad, I'm a great mom - we're making a good parenting team.

Yes, yes... things are not ideal byt thanks to an honest conversations we've had I'm feeling better. So we spoke, we listened to each other and each of us heard what pains and aches the other one is struggling with. I'm struggling more in this relationship. Nonetheless, it's been good. It is good. We are here for Helenka, we are a good team, we like each other and I'm leaving things this way. Pushing never works. The oposite is a sign of respect.

Home bound tomorrow. I'm so happy I still have 12 days with my little one before I go back to work. 12 days of getting up when we want, 12 days of kisses without any time limit, 12 days of relax, 12 days of training to the half marathon, 12 days of love, love and more love.

This is what's important. The rest of the world may as well disappear.

In and Out

I wrote once about sitting still and doing nothing at difficult time
s but riding the wave. I should be going back to that post more often and not allow myself to be tormented by people and circumnsqtances.
Especially now when Helena is here and the energies should be saved for her. So no more. No more obsessing about Gaelle, no more snooping, no more, no more, no more. I want peace. Yes, I will not allow her anywhere close Helena for the time being. I'm not sure if that has ever been Olivier's intention to introduce us or Helena to Gaelle but in case such an idea has been around: I say no to it already loud and clear. No and no!!! I'm still hurt and angry and it will take time. Breath in and out.

First step: keeping distance and not allowing anyone to disturb me any more.  Or Helena for that matter.

Breath in and out.
No more negativity. Breath in and out.
I have the most beautiful girl in the world. Breath in and out.

Of course, in February I will have to revisit my thinking. I know it'll hurt when they meet in Vietnam but I will breath then and try to remember about what is really important. Breath in and out. And important is to be stable and positive for Helena and not to creat images in my head. Breath in and out. Important is my peace and it's been too long I've been restless. Breath in and out.

I still dislike you, French woman. Breath in and out. But even this seems already so stupid when I look at Helena. In and out... breath. Upppsss, I'm doing it again! Breath in and out. I dislike you because you tried to hurt me hoping that it'll get a man. You were ready to meet me and threaten me. But you know what? This is nothing in fact, I have something you will never have and I will smile from now on when thinking about it. I have something than is more than you can even think about. Breath in and out and I'm almost done.

This triangle of emotional torture has to be broken somewhere. This is tiring and unhealthy. I need to break it and stop it and move on and just let things happen. Breath in and out. Only I can do it. Only I can bring back peace in my heart. Breath in and out.

I am in charge of my own emotions and reactions. Breath in and out. I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my heart. I know better. I've been through storms, ups and downs and I know what not to do to emerge stronger on the other side.

I still love him. But I can love him until forever and my job now is to let him go. So go, go, Olivier. Go and find fulfillment and happiness wherever they are. Go and be happy, go and find peace. If not by my side... I will get over it. I will sit still and get over  it. Now I need peace, I need clear mind and space in my heart for Helena and a man who will stay and who will love me and Helena for who we are without us trying to win this love and competing for it with other people.

Breath in and out.

Good morning from Phuket.

Perfectly Imperfect

I though it will be a good title as that's how I feel about our holiday and time together: it's not perfect but it's perfect at the same time. Yes, yes - I would like things be different between me and Olivier but they are not and that's ok as well. One day, I am sure, I will wake up, just like I have so many times before, thinking that it makes sense that we are not together because something better has been waiting for me all this time. One day it'll make all sense and it has so many times before. 

We had a lovely Christmas Eve dinner with my Canadian part of the family. So strange - we said that we would never have expected that one day we will sit at a table together in Thaialand and we wished each other that it wasn't out last time. We wished each other all the best, prosperity and happiness, however each of us happiness understands. It was emotional, it was beautiful. My first Xmas with Helena and Olivier - certainly not the last one. 

We briefly spoke to my brother on the Polish side of the family and we will connect again today. Same with the French side. 

My Dad was unavailable. I can't stop thinking about him and feeling sorry for him. Such a waste. Such a waste of life and precious moments: instead he chooses to drown in alcohol. I tried to call him, no response. I sent him a card - I'm sure he got that. Everybody did. Such a waste. Such a waste of life. My heart falls apart each time I think about him: locked away from the world in the darkness of his addiction. Locked away from those who love him in the darkness of the victimhood. Locked ways from the light that could bring him some strength, in the darkness of his own head. I wish I could help but I don't know how any more. I can only hope that he will not kill himself... That all is also prefectly imperfect: part of my journey, part of the life experience I get in this life. And though painful and uncomfortable, I will endure it, make peace and move on. 

Things always can be different in life. Today, I will try to enjoy what I have here and now and work for the better - prefectly imperfect future for Helena and myself.

Merry Perfectly Imperfect Christmas!!!!

Happy Chrsistmas. Our Holidays

On Monday we arrived in Phuket. It was Helen'as first flight and she handled it very well: very few cies, eating and sleeping all the way through. It was a very short flight, nevertheless for Little Helena it seemed to be exhausting enough to sleep almost the whole day in. And we allowed her this: we tune in her needs and take it very, very easy. 

We saw my cousin yesterday with her Family: Helena met her little cousins Della and Oskar who is a week younger than her and the whole day went by in a friendly and very familial atmosphere. We are going back to Magda's today to do some Christmas cooking - tomorrow we will celebrate out reunion and celebrate life and happiness. 

Olivier is here as well. 

We are doing a good job with Helena and while I'm still questioning the character of this relationship we are having, I like it very much that he is with us and helps looking after Helena with so much love and care. They are wonderful together and I can't get enough of watching their duet. I'm there as well, with them: in the pool, in the shower, in the bath. One would think we are one happy family. We are trying to be united for Helena. I'm not always pleased but I take it as it is. We spoke about it the other day, I vented my worries, I vented my jealousy about this other woman and I'm feeling better. Nothing's changed but at least I can talk about it all without feeling silly and being rejected. Rather, I'm being understood, I think... Well, for now at least it is fine. I still hate when Olivier talks to her and probably will hate it for a long time - yet another time I was explained the character of their relationship and it feels a bit better knowing that I am not the only one who is struggling with the situation. Seems like the woman in Paris has also some problems with understanding that he wants to stay alone for the time being and if anything, he wants to have fun and play around with ladies. Each for themselves.  I'm trying to make peace with it and give him as much freedom as I can and honour that he is a seperate human being and we might not have the same ideas. We have Helena togther, we will rty to respect each other but that's it for now. I want to hear it and I want to internalize it and not to be this woaman who moans and chases the man. It will take time and practice but I'm sure one day I will wake up and feel that it is gone and I am ready to move on. This is what I with for myself this Christmas - to move one and make peace, and look into the future with trust and hope.

As I'm writing this Helena is sleeping with her dad's arms and it's the most wonderful thing to watch. All is quiet and peaceful. He loves her and she is learning to love him. I love her. And I'm learnig how to love him but in a different than a romantic way. We are love and I want it to stay like this. Today is good. Today is peaceful and I want this peace to stay with us this Christmas. 

Merry Christmas my dear readers whoever you are. Thank you for following what I'm writing here and thank you for all your warm thoughts and fingers crossed for the success of Helena and I. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy Christmas!!!

Holidays!

Yay!!! And the reason I'm so excited about being off from school is that I will have the whole time in the world to spend with Helena. I will be able to kiss her and squeeze her all morning long without any time limits. I will be able to take her for a walk in the morning, the way I like it best. I will be able to see her more than for three hours a day. Yay! And yay, and yay!

I'm ready to celebrate.

Our little home has been ready for a while: the Christmas tree has been put up for more than a week; my first Christmas tree in Thailand, my first tree for Helena (I even managed to make some decorations by myself). Yay! The presents under the tree didn't last long: Helena opened hers last week, I got mine today. Olivier's are coming tomorrow. 

And then on Monday we are off to Phuket where I'm seeing my cousin Magda with her family, which is absolutely great. I can't wait.

I really hope that nothing will spoil my mood. Or I'd rather should say that I hope I will not allow anyone to devastate my holidays: I should be in charge.

I'm still not sure about all this business of spending Christmas together like a family and not being one. It does my head a little especially that I would like to be one. There's nothing I can do to convince Olivier and I haven't even tried. I'm trying to hear it and take it that a family isn't something he wants at the moment. It's rough but it's his truth. My truth is that I'm not taking it very well but I'm trying to be normal. Except from those occasions when I  lose it over the woman and try to find out as much as possible about the character of their relationship. He says it's purely sexual - well, that doesn't comfort me at all. Maybe I should get laid. Maybe that would comfort me for a moment. NOT!!! I don't really think that is a way to fix my broken heart and find peace. Then what? And how long this fixing will last? Ohhhhh!!! Fucking, fucking, fucking disaster! 

I've just read: "There is no need to be scared of anybody. But if that's the case, it means that we gave this someone  power to scare us."  I feel it might also apply to situations: like in my case: Olivier and Gaelle would not upset me so much if I didn't allow them to. It wouldn't be so difficult for me if I knew how to just let it go and not treat it like something oh so much important to me that it makes me go crazy. 

So here it is: an exercise for the coming days: not allowing this woman and him make me sad. Not allow the thoughts about it spoil my holiday: my precious time with my little one. Yes, I think that's a reasonable thing to do instead of getting laid. 

What Is Going On

Few nights ago I wrote this long post at night in which I was ranting about how horrible everything was here. 

In my head. It was horrible in my own head. I was horrible that I allowed all these negativity in my head. It's me and only me who can choose how I will react to things. 

Sure, it's not nice to find out that Olivier is going on holiday with another woman. A woman who if I met, I would strangle with my own hands. Really, I'm not joking Gaelle, you don't want to meet me. Not now at least. But if that all really bothered me that much, I should probably pack his suitcases and send him off from where he had come. I'm not doing it. I should not complain then.

And he is great with Helena. Sure, sure - Helena is one thing and he is staying because of her. But also because he helps so much with her and OMG, he really is a good dad. We are not together and that makes me sad and bothers me but when I look at Helena and him... It's unreal and all the grief goes away. Till it comes back... and surely it will come back in February. Or not... maybe by February I will be so tired of it all that the only option will be to let it go or go crazy.

I told Olivier that I was snooping on his Facebook.I don't want to be this person but the temptation was too big. I looked and... couldn't sleep for two days being angry and ashamed of myself. So I just told him. And now it's done. By the way - he was more amused than pissed off.

And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.

On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.