A Year Ago

I went to the cinema and on the way to watch a movie I bought a test. I did it in the cinema toilet during the intermission. Two lines appeared. The world started shaking and was just the beginning of an earthquake.

We were technically broken up at that time already. I was fine with it, I insisted on  nothing. But then I found out I was pregnant so I had to call.

And I tried and tried, and tried without any success. There was no time for me. Other things were more important than this. And then, after I finally got through... the rest is just an unpleasant history.

It's been a year already.

I was petrified and lonely. I didn't know what would happen to me. I didn't know anything but that I should not stop it. I was so desperate. I cried the whole ocean of tears. I never knew one can cry so much: day and night. This experience has changed me forever.

It's been a year already.

It hurt. It still hurts. I'm trying to put the past where it belongs - in the past and move on but it still hurts. It's healing and I know one day I will be ok but not just yet. I am fine now and I have a beautiful daughter but when I think how we got initially treated, my stomach turns.

But yes, we are fine. We are moe than fine. Thanks to all the people who stepped in and helped me through this time. Thanks to all these souls who stood next to me with confidence that I could and would be successfull. They all gave me their support when I needed it and when I doubted myself so much. I was guarded and protected for which I will be thankful for the rest of my life.

It's been a long year. A real race. A challenge that I have passed and with flying colours. My integrity was tested. Conclusion: doing what one feels is right is the only way to go even it is scary. If I had listened to all the threats and arguments against me at that time, Helena would not have been born. But I listened to the voice inside which whispered that it would all be fine and I should not be scared. Still I was but I listened nevertheless.

From all this Helena was born: the fighter, the light, the survivor. She is the representation of all these initial struggles, a reminder to me that everything is possible if it is based on love, truth and integrity. For her I want to cultivate these  values and pass them onto her.

Helenko, I am so happy that you are here with me. When I look at you all these torments seem far away. I'm showered with your love now and I am so grateful that you are my daughter and I can be your mom. When you smile the whole world smiles at me and nothing else really matters. I love you so much, my little girl. Thank you for coming to me.

It was a year ago that the whole world collapsed and I thought it was the end. In fact, however, it was just the new  beginning.

A Little of Acceptance

Some people are like this, some people are like that, some are in that part of their lives, some are somewhere else. We are all trying the same though: to be happy. When we meet each other it may turn out that our happiness doesn't mean the same. Of course, it would be great if it did but sometimes it just doesn't. I know what I'm talking about. I have been practicing a lot lately. I've gone through stages of being angry, resentful, angry again, then resigned, then even more angry, hopeless till I got to the point that I got exhausted. And I guess when one is so tired of trying for something with no positive feedback the only option one has it to let go. Damn hard, especially when I still feel I care so much but possibly the only but at the moment feels like the best option because I don't want to walk around stressed, resentful, sad and exhausted. Life is too short for that (I spoke with the kids about the cycle of life today and it downed at me how actually all this is short. I'm 33 already and I have no idea how it happened.)

So... we don't want same things - and it's perfectly ok. You don't want me - and that is fine too. You are after something else - I accept it. Or I will at least try without getting flustered and mad about it. Your path is not mine and mine is not yours - that's just the reality of life. I cannot change your mind in any way and quite honestly, I don't want to be the one who pushes. I don't like when somebody pushes me, so no more pushing you: at least in theory, practicing this resolution will take time. Everything takes time. Understanding and accepting another human being takes time and it seems like the best thing you can offer someone and yourself - a bit of acceptance with little judgment.

Freedom of Choice

As I was talking about something today, I caught myself saying few times in a row: I'm scared that, I'm afraid of, I'm scared of... a very sad litany of fears. And since when have I become so fearful?

Well, life hasn't been particularly easy for me in last few years. I raised from ashes, so to speak, but with many wounds and bruises and my ass still hurts from being kicked. So now I'm having a bit of a break in my Bangkok shelter. I've been healing and licking these wounds. But how long for can I do it? How long can hide? Is this all I can have? What risks can I take and how much can I stand? What can I sacrifice and accept? What is not acceptable?

I need to really think about these things now as I'm being offered to jump on a roller-coaster. Will I fly or will I fall down? And if I fall, will it kill me or just bruise me slightly again?

Freedom of choice is the most fantastic yet most difficult right to exercise.

Miseries of Being a Mom

I generally love it. Being a mom. I love Helena and her smile, I love her with my entire heart and more. I can't imagine my life without her but sometimes... sometimes I would like to be taken back to my life before Helena even if just for few hours to get some sleep.

Oh, how sleepy I am!!! And how tired and worn out sometimes. It's not a bed of roses this parenting thing. It's not a walk in a park, sometimes it feels like a strenuous hike in the higher parts of mountains where it's getting more difficult to breath. Yes, breathing is very important. Especially in these moments when Helena becomes fussy and capricious, and announces it all with her loud cries. And her crying is really loud. Sometimes it's easy to sooth her but at times, like today, when she is too tired to understand what's happening to her, her crying becomes loooooooong, loud and tiring. Nothing seems to work. The only thing she wants is a teat but oh my, sometimes I just don't want her to milk me any more. I'm already feeling like a cow, and that's fine, I said once that I want to become a cow for her, but there are days, like today, when my nipples are sore and in pain, and I feel that one more milking will send me up the wall. So no more breast today which met with a lot of protest from Helena - a loud and miserable crying. I didn't cave in though, and holding her hand, I was there with her feeling miserable, feeling that perhaps I'm not such  a good mom bcasue few times I had thought that maybe I should really sell her to the Gypsies. She cried and cries, and cried. And then she stopped and I hope she's stopped for good. Next, I felt guilty about not enjoying even these crying moments with her  - these are my last days with Helena and shouldn't I be enjoying them? My last precious moments with my Princess and all I can think of is a. running away and hiding and sleeping for a long time, b. that I cannot stand another minute of her fussing. Aghhhh!!!!

So this is when I sometimes would like to be back in 2015, around October 21st. Still undecided if I want to go to Kanchanabouri... And it's just the beginning of parenting. Breathe, Ania, breathe! There is so much more in store! There will be so many more nights and days, perhaps, when I will feel overwhelmed and depleted. Today is one of those days. I wish I could fall asleep and sleep till next week. I wish i could sleep without ant interruptions. Finally, I wish I could wale up when I want again. When I retire, if I ever retire...

But then tomorrow is another day and Helena will wake me up with a big smile and happy to be around me. Tomorrow we will start from the beginning and all that's happened today will not matter at all.  For Helena each day is a new beginning, a new exciting beginning with the people she loves and she feels safe around. So till tomorrow and may the periodical misery not take a way the joys of having this extraordinary human being around me.

Amen.

Holidays Almost Over

Oh, what a wonderful time it's been!!! I loved every second of it, even if some tears were involed.

And Helena! My little Helena who has proved to be such a great holiday company. It was our first trip and I already know that with this girl we will be able to travel the world far and wide: no problem in a plane, one her best behaviour on a hotel, no worries, no issues just smiles and lot of love for her parents. She made new friends at the reception and people in restaurants, and on the beach - everybody loves little Helena for she is such a jolly and happy person. We had fun in the pool, fun on the beach, fun in the hotel room - fun, fun, fun.

We met some family and that was super fun to spent out Xmas with them. It felt like home for a second.

We came back home and welcomed 2016 with a lot of hope for a better year filled with new projects and adventures. I don't know exactly what the future holds for us but I can only hope that our future will be good and always guided by love to Helena and love in general.

Unfortunately, the hloiday is over - the wonderful three weeks with two very important people. A great time together -no rush, bo deadlines, no other commitments but being with each other.

Till the next one in February. It'll be different and alone with Helena but I'm planning to spend it happily. I won't think too much of the fact that O. is going to Vietnam with someone else. I have a far greater company - my little Helena. Of course, I'll be thinking of him going and I also know that it'll be painful but I can't do anything about his choices. He has his priorities and needs and I can only try snd make peace with that. I don't like it but obsessing about it is not good for me and Helena as well. So go, go. We will have a great time here together.

Anyway...

Last weekend of this holiday.
Two more carefree days with my Little One. Two more mornings when we can cuddle and slumber for a long as we want. Two more long breakfasts. Two.more days when everything goes slow and according to our rythm. Oh, this I will miss. Two more days only for Helenka.

A Big Challenge

I am certainly not perfect and though that is perfectly ok and though I am trying to work on myself daily, there are still things that need to be changed to make my life and lives of thise around me easier and less stressful.

I have collected thousands of things and got lost among them. It's official. I won't even pretend that it's othewise any more. I It's a mess!!!

I came to Thailand with two suitcases and when I look around now... it would take a van to move me around. A van or a small truck. Things, things, things everywhere things. And I guess it would be fine that things are there but I've lost control over them.

In this pile of disorganised things, I lost  a very important document. Got me to tears yesterday, kicked me on my ass and made me rethink myself a bit. So, I have a resolution for the coming weeks and months, and years: to free some space and energy by getting better organized so that I don't have to cry and stress out any more. I feel horrible about losing this thing, embarrassed. Momenrs before, I tried to prove that oh, I know where everything is and please get off me. And then boom!!! I don't know where is one of the most important things. Bravo! In the fit I just wanted to get rid of everything and be only surrounded by the four walls.

So, freeing space and decluttering are my goals for the weekend. I will need a Hercules to help me.

Temptation

His mobile on the desk: black, beautifully shining - all mine, for the whole hour or more. The door closed. What do I do? Do I do the same thing and have a look? Do I want to know? And what do I want to know? So what do I do?  Ahhh, and it's so shiny and sleek, and is begging me to take it in my hand. "Do it!", "Do it!", I hear. 

I have a choice. Yield to the temptation or ignore it and stay away from what will drive me crazy. I can do the same thing all over again but I already know it doesn't work. I will only end up with a knot in my stomach, feeling guilty and slightly mad. What for then am I reading all these books about self development and improvement? What for am I watching talks about accountability, trust and letting go? Have I learnt anything or am I just pretending that I'm growing? My body feels tense, I feel sick, my hands are shaking. "Do it!", "Do it!", whispers one voice. The other one, a friendly one, a gentle one says: "Don't. It's not worth it, you will achieve nothing, you will just feel horrible afterwards. Just sit down and relax."

So what do I do?

I take a deep breath and walk away. I sit down and start conjugating  French verbs: I feel more relaxed, my mind wanders away from the desk. Then Helena wakes up and smiles at me with a smile that takes me to heaven. All is peaceful, all is calm. No need to pretend, no need to lie. My stomach feels fine and my hands aren't shaking any more. And I know I will be able to sleep well- guilt-free. Yay!!!

 Everything is a choice. Being decent is a choice. Not driving oneself mad is a choice. Making a choice is a choice.

I Love

I love, I love, I love.
I love her so much that it's beyond my own understanding. I love everything about her: absolutely everything.

I love when she wakes up with a big smile.
I love when she looks at me with so much trust.
I love when she snuggles when I feed her.
I love when she falls asleep in my arms, which at times, are the only place she wants to be. I love.

I love watching how she discovers things.
I love watching when she is figuring out the world around.
I love when she gets frustrated but eventually succeeds.

Four months ago I pushed this Little Girl into the world. In my wildest dreams I hadn't expected she'll be such a miracle and such a bundle of joy.

I love.
I love.
I love.

In my wildest dreams I hadn't anticipated tgat my feelings for her will be so strong. These are feelings of joy that travel through my whole body. These are feelings similar to thise when sratring a new journey: excitement, joy, hope.

And she gives me so much of them all.

Yes, it's hard sometimes. I miss sleeping though the night and sleeping in but... when Helena wakes me up in the morning and smikes at me... my own sleep is not so much important any more.

My petit Helena. My princess. Moja kapustka. My little frog, little mouse, little ladybird... My wonderful daughter.

I love her.