A Year Ago

I went to the cinema and on the way to watch a movie I bought a test. I did it in the cinema toilet during the intermission. Two lines appeared. The world started shaking and was just the beginning of an earthquake.

We were technically broken up at that time already. I was fine with it, I insisted on  nothing. But then I found out I was pregnant so I had to call.

And I tried and tried, and tried without any success. There was no time for me. Other things were more important than this. And then, after I finally got through... the rest is just an unpleasant history.

It's been a year already.

I was petrified and lonely. I didn't know what would happen to me. I didn't know anything but that I should not stop it. I was so desperate. I cried the whole ocean of tears. I never knew one can cry so much: day and night. This experience has changed me forever.

It's been a year already.

It hurt. It still hurts. I'm trying to put the past where it belongs - in the past and move on but it still hurts. It's healing and I know one day I will be ok but not just yet. I am fine now and I have a beautiful daughter but when I think how we got initially treated, my stomach turns.

But yes, we are fine. We are moe than fine. Thanks to all the people who stepped in and helped me through this time. Thanks to all these souls who stood next to me with confidence that I could and would be successfull. They all gave me their support when I needed it and when I doubted myself so much. I was guarded and protected for which I will be thankful for the rest of my life.

It's been a long year. A real race. A challenge that I have passed and with flying colours. My integrity was tested. Conclusion: doing what one feels is right is the only way to go even it is scary. If I had listened to all the threats and arguments against me at that time, Helena would not have been born. But I listened to the voice inside which whispered that it would all be fine and I should not be scared. Still I was but I listened nevertheless.

From all this Helena was born: the fighter, the light, the survivor. She is the representation of all these initial struggles, a reminder to me that everything is possible if it is based on love, truth and integrity. For her I want to cultivate these  values and pass them onto her.

Helenko, I am so happy that you are here with me. When I look at you all these torments seem far away. I'm showered with your love now and I am so grateful that you are my daughter and I can be your mom. When you smile the whole world smiles at me and nothing else really matters. I love you so much, my little girl. Thank you for coming to me.

It was a year ago that the whole world collapsed and I thought it was the end. In fact, however, it was just the new  beginning.