Miseries of Being a Mom

I generally love it. Being a mom. I love Helena and her smile, I love her with my entire heart and more. I can't imagine my life without her but sometimes... sometimes I would like to be taken back to my life before Helena even if just for few hours to get some sleep.

Oh, how sleepy I am!!! And how tired and worn out sometimes. It's not a bed of roses this parenting thing. It's not a walk in a park, sometimes it feels like a strenuous hike in the higher parts of mountains where it's getting more difficult to breath. Yes, breathing is very important. Especially in these moments when Helena becomes fussy and capricious, and announces it all with her loud cries. And her crying is really loud. Sometimes it's easy to sooth her but at times, like today, when she is too tired to understand what's happening to her, her crying becomes loooooooong, loud and tiring. Nothing seems to work. The only thing she wants is a teat but oh my, sometimes I just don't want her to milk me any more. I'm already feeling like a cow, and that's fine, I said once that I want to become a cow for her, but there are days, like today, when my nipples are sore and in pain, and I feel that one more milking will send me up the wall. So no more breast today which met with a lot of protest from Helena - a loud and miserable crying. I didn't cave in though, and holding her hand, I was there with her feeling miserable, feeling that perhaps I'm not such  a good mom bcasue few times I had thought that maybe I should really sell her to the Gypsies. She cried and cries, and cried. And then she stopped and I hope she's stopped for good. Next, I felt guilty about not enjoying even these crying moments with her  - these are my last days with Helena and shouldn't I be enjoying them? My last precious moments with my Princess and all I can think of is a. running away and hiding and sleeping for a long time, b. that I cannot stand another minute of her fussing. Aghhhh!!!!

So this is when I sometimes would like to be back in 2015, around October 21st. Still undecided if I want to go to Kanchanabouri... And it's just the beginning of parenting. Breathe, Ania, breathe! There is so much more in store! There will be so many more nights and days, perhaps, when I will feel overwhelmed and depleted. Today is one of those days. I wish I could fall asleep and sleep till next week. I wish i could sleep without ant interruptions. Finally, I wish I could wale up when I want again. When I retire, if I ever retire...

But then tomorrow is another day and Helena will wake me up with a big smile and happy to be around me. Tomorrow we will start from the beginning and all that's happened today will not matter at all.  For Helena each day is a new beginning, a new exciting beginning with the people she loves and she feels safe around. So till tomorrow and may the periodical misery not take a way the joys of having this extraordinary human being around me.

Amen.