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3.01.2016

Temptation

His mobile on the desk: black, beautifully shining - all mine, for the whole hour or more. The door closed. What do I do? Do I do the same thing and have a look? Do I want to know? And what do I want to know? So what do I do?  Ahhh, and it's so shiny and sleek, and is begging me to take it in my hand. "Do it!", "Do it!", I hear. 

I have a choice. Yield to the temptation or ignore it and stay away from what will drive me crazy. I can do the same thing all over again but I already know it doesn't work. I will only end up with a knot in my stomach, feeling guilty and slightly mad. What for then am I reading all these books about self development and improvement? What for am I watching talks about accountability, trust and letting go? Have I learnt anything or am I just pretending that I'm growing? My body feels tense, I feel sick, my hands are shaking. "Do it!", "Do it!", whispers one voice. The other one, a friendly one, a gentle one says: "Don't. It's not worth it, you will achieve nothing, you will just feel horrible afterwards. Just sit down and relax."

So what do I do?

I take a deep breath and walk away. I sit down and start conjugating  French verbs: I feel more relaxed, my mind wanders away from the desk. Then Helena wakes up and smiles at me with a smile that takes me to heaven. All is peaceful, all is calm. No need to pretend, no need to lie. My stomach feels fine and my hands aren't shaking any more. And I know I will be able to sleep well- guilt-free. Yay!!!

 Everything is a choice. Being decent is a choice. Not driving oneself mad is a choice. Making a choice is a choice.




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