2015

What a year it's been!

I started it off beautifully in the arms of a man who seemed to be madly in love with me and I was madly in love with him. In Paris, in the city of love our love affair took place. And then something happened and he decided to part ways. Fine with me but then few days later it turned out that the short yet very intense romance ended up with me getting pregnant. Out of this short time when we loved each other Helena was created and the rest is history...

Then there was a very dark time and I wrote about it here. It was a horrible beginning of my pregnancy - to be left alone, first baby... very sad. Till one day when I was so tired of crying and so sick of feeling horrible that I decided to stop. Following my decision, I went back to the gym, started looking after myself better by being my own best friend and companion. When I did that, the Universe put plenty of people on my path who helped me to make this time of waiting for Helena a very special one.

And so out of love of so many people and out of love of the Universe Helena was born. Out of my hard work and good energy I put into her, a beautiful little girl was born who I have fallen in love with instantly.

And then something quite significant happened: Oliver arrived to meet Helena and they fell in love with each other.

Yes, definitely it's been an eventful year. I wouldn't like to go through many of the lonely and sleepless nights of my pregnancy. I wouldn't like to sit again at the doctor's office considering an abortion but I would give a birth again and I would do the same exact thing again and again. Helena is a gift. Helena is... Helena is everything to me at the moment and I'm the happiest mom in the world. 

I'm happy and grateful that Olivier is with us and that he is such a great dad for Helena. My heart grows when I see these two together. Yes, yes - there are many other things going on in the background which are less pleasant, but when I isolate Helena and him from the emotional chaos and noise, I get a really nice picture of a dad and his daughter who love each other dearly. We both love her unconditionally and completely. We both are trying to be best parents we can and I think out little princess is quite happy with us: she has already laughed outloud few times when we played with her and she gives us a lot of beautiful smiles each day, hence I assume she feels content with us. And what more would I wish for? Yes, yes... my personal life but it will come together one day, I'm sure. Just slowly (sic!) and one thing at a time. 

So yes, 2015 is over. 

I'm sure 2016 will be equally if not more exciting.

Happy New Year, Everyone.

Helena's Citizenships

So we're working on Helena's citizenships - it's not the easiest thing to get done - Thais love their papers and we need to wait for everything and make few more trips to the almighty Cheang Wattana - a governmental offices complex that reminds me Kafka. Hopefully, we will get all so important stamps tomorrow and we will be able to register Helena as a French citizen. Seems like the French have the most friendly administration. In the Polish embassy, I was told that getting Helena's passport will take quite a long time, the woman at the counter rolled her eyes when she told me that making it clear that the process will be convoluted.  Never mind, really as long as she has some sort of a travelling document - so far she's been a non-citizen though a legally recognized by the two parents. Soon, Helena will be not only Mulica but also Sibileau, the little Polsh-French citizen but mostly the citizen of the world. Yay!!! My Little Monkey!

My Little Monkey is the most beautiful and the gentlest little girl in the world. She has her weaker moments when she will cry but she always has a good reason to raise a alarm. Otherwise she is happy and content. We can take her out, walk with her for hours and she will rarely complain. She is friendly and loves hanging out with us. She gives us houndreds of smiles each day and when she smiles, it feels like the whole Universe smiles to us. She is the best! I can't even say how happy I am being her mom, looking after and helping her. I'm so happy that her dad loves her as well, and he does love this little girl like from here to the Moon and back - Our Little Polish-French Baby Girl.

So much for writing... the Little One is waking up.

Home Sweet Home?

We are back home.

I want to be back by the sea!

It was the quickest holiday in the world. And a very good one as well. Hard at times but good. We are good around each other. We like each other and we love Helena. That has to be good enough.

I will try and make myself believe that this is really what I think about this compromise. All will take time. Time, time, time.

And I need to remember that patience is the key to everything. Patience, stillness, open and clear mind, open heart... all these will help to rebuild peace. 

And now... sleep time. A good night sleep next to my princess who was also not very content this evening that we didn't take her for a walk on the beach. Soon we will be back in the sand again. Very soon: I just need to save up some money and we will be on holiday again.

Checking Out

Tomorrow we're going back to Bangkok. Our family hoilday is coming to an end. And what a trip it was!!!

Helena is a great company. This little girls lives water, swimming with her parents, playing with is in a bath and walking with us along tla beach. She was with us all the time and it's been such a great pleasure to look after her, play with her and show her new things.

Olivier is a great dad, I'm a great mom - we're making a good parenting team.

Yes, yes... things are not ideal byt thanks to an honest conversations we've had I'm feeling better. So we spoke, we listened to each other and each of us heard what pains and aches the other one is struggling with. I'm struggling more in this relationship. Nonetheless, it's been good. It is good. We are here for Helenka, we are a good team, we like each other and I'm leaving things this way. Pushing never works. The oposite is a sign of respect.

Home bound tomorrow. I'm so happy I still have 12 days with my little one before I go back to work. 12 days of getting up when we want, 12 days of kisses without any time limit, 12 days of relax, 12 days of training to the half marathon, 12 days of love, love and more love.

This is what's important. The rest of the world may as well disappear.

In and Out

I wrote once about sitting still and doing nothing at difficult time
s but riding the wave. I should be going back to that post more often and not allow myself to be tormented by people and circumnsqtances.
Especially now when Helena is here and the energies should be saved for her. So no more. No more obsessing about Gaelle, no more snooping, no more, no more, no more. I want peace. Yes, I will not allow her anywhere close Helena for the time being. I'm not sure if that has ever been Olivier's intention to introduce us or Helena to Gaelle but in case such an idea has been around: I say no to it already loud and clear. No and no!!! I'm still hurt and angry and it will take time. Breath in and out.

First step: keeping distance and not allowing anyone to disturb me any more.  Or Helena for that matter.

Breath in and out.
No more negativity. Breath in and out.
I have the most beautiful girl in the world. Breath in and out.

Of course, in February I will have to revisit my thinking. I know it'll hurt when they meet in Vietnam but I will breath then and try to remember about what is really important. Breath in and out. And important is to be stable and positive for Helena and not to creat images in my head. Breath in and out. Important is my peace and it's been too long I've been restless. Breath in and out.

I still dislike you, French woman. Breath in and out. But even this seems already so stupid when I look at Helena. In and out... breath. Upppsss, I'm doing it again! Breath in and out. I dislike you because you tried to hurt me hoping that it'll get a man. You were ready to meet me and threaten me. But you know what? This is nothing in fact, I have something you will never have and I will smile from now on when thinking about it. I have something than is more than you can even think about. Breath in and out and I'm almost done.

This triangle of emotional torture has to be broken somewhere. This is tiring and unhealthy. I need to break it and stop it and move on and just let things happen. Breath in and out. Only I can do it. Only I can bring back peace in my heart. Breath in and out.

I am in charge of my own emotions and reactions. Breath in and out. I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my heart. I know better. I've been through storms, ups and downs and I know what not to do to emerge stronger on the other side.

I still love him. But I can love him until forever and my job now is to let him go. So go, go, Olivier. Go and find fulfillment and happiness wherever they are. Go and be happy, go and find peace. If not by my side... I will get over it. I will sit still and get over  it. Now I need peace, I need clear mind and space in my heart for Helena and a man who will stay and who will love me and Helena for who we are without us trying to win this love and competing for it with other people.

Breath in and out.

Good morning from Phuket.

Perfectly Imperfect

I though it will be a good title as that's how I feel about our holiday and time together: it's not perfect but it's perfect at the same time. Yes, yes - I would like things be different between me and Olivier but they are not and that's ok as well. One day, I am sure, I will wake up, just like I have so many times before, thinking that it makes sense that we are not together because something better has been waiting for me all this time. One day it'll make all sense and it has so many times before. 

We had a lovely Christmas Eve dinner with my Canadian part of the family. So strange - we said that we would never have expected that one day we will sit at a table together in Thaialand and we wished each other that it wasn't out last time. We wished each other all the best, prosperity and happiness, however each of us happiness understands. It was emotional, it was beautiful. My first Xmas with Helena and Olivier - certainly not the last one. 

We briefly spoke to my brother on the Polish side of the family and we will connect again today. Same with the French side. 

My Dad was unavailable. I can't stop thinking about him and feeling sorry for him. Such a waste. Such a waste of life and precious moments: instead he chooses to drown in alcohol. I tried to call him, no response. I sent him a card - I'm sure he got that. Everybody did. Such a waste. Such a waste of life. My heart falls apart each time I think about him: locked away from the world in the darkness of his addiction. Locked away from those who love him in the darkness of the victimhood. Locked ways from the light that could bring him some strength, in the darkness of his own head. I wish I could help but I don't know how any more. I can only hope that he will not kill himself... That all is also prefectly imperfect: part of my journey, part of the life experience I get in this life. And though painful and uncomfortable, I will endure it, make peace and move on. 

Things always can be different in life. Today, I will try to enjoy what I have here and now and work for the better - prefectly imperfect future for Helena and myself.

Merry Perfectly Imperfect Christmas!!!!

Happy Chrsistmas. Our Holidays

On Monday we arrived in Phuket. It was Helen'as first flight and she handled it very well: very few cies, eating and sleeping all the way through. It was a very short flight, nevertheless for Little Helena it seemed to be exhausting enough to sleep almost the whole day in. And we allowed her this: we tune in her needs and take it very, very easy. 

We saw my cousin yesterday with her Family: Helena met her little cousins Della and Oskar who is a week younger than her and the whole day went by in a friendly and very familial atmosphere. We are going back to Magda's today to do some Christmas cooking - tomorrow we will celebrate out reunion and celebrate life and happiness. 

Olivier is here as well. 

We are doing a good job with Helena and while I'm still questioning the character of this relationship we are having, I like it very much that he is with us and helps looking after Helena with so much love and care. They are wonderful together and I can't get enough of watching their duet. I'm there as well, with them: in the pool, in the shower, in the bath. One would think we are one happy family. We are trying to be united for Helena. I'm not always pleased but I take it as it is. We spoke about it the other day, I vented my worries, I vented my jealousy about this other woman and I'm feeling better. Nothing's changed but at least I can talk about it all without feeling silly and being rejected. Rather, I'm being understood, I think... Well, for now at least it is fine. I still hate when Olivier talks to her and probably will hate it for a long time - yet another time I was explained the character of their relationship and it feels a bit better knowing that I am not the only one who is struggling with the situation. Seems like the woman in Paris has also some problems with understanding that he wants to stay alone for the time being and if anything, he wants to have fun and play around with ladies. Each for themselves.  I'm trying to make peace with it and give him as much freedom as I can and honour that he is a seperate human being and we might not have the same ideas. We have Helena togther, we will rty to respect each other but that's it for now. I want to hear it and I want to internalize it and not to be this woaman who moans and chases the man. It will take time and practice but I'm sure one day I will wake up and feel that it is gone and I am ready to move on. This is what I with for myself this Christmas - to move one and make peace, and look into the future with trust and hope.

As I'm writing this Helena is sleeping with her dad's arms and it's the most wonderful thing to watch. All is quiet and peaceful. He loves her and she is learning to love him. I love her. And I'm learnig how to love him but in a different than a romantic way. We are love and I want it to stay like this. Today is good. Today is peaceful and I want this peace to stay with us this Christmas. 

Merry Christmas my dear readers whoever you are. Thank you for following what I'm writing here and thank you for all your warm thoughts and fingers crossed for the success of Helena and I. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Happy Christmas!!!

Holidays!

Yay!!! And the reason I'm so excited about being off from school is that I will have the whole time in the world to spend with Helena. I will be able to kiss her and squeeze her all morning long without any time limits. I will be able to take her for a walk in the morning, the way I like it best. I will be able to see her more than for three hours a day. Yay! And yay, and yay!

I'm ready to celebrate.

Our little home has been ready for a while: the Christmas tree has been put up for more than a week; my first Christmas tree in Thailand, my first tree for Helena (I even managed to make some decorations by myself). Yay! The presents under the tree didn't last long: Helena opened hers last week, I got mine today. Olivier's are coming tomorrow. 

And then on Monday we are off to Phuket where I'm seeing my cousin Magda with her family, which is absolutely great. I can't wait.

I really hope that nothing will spoil my mood. Or I'd rather should say that I hope I will not allow anyone to devastate my holidays: I should be in charge.

I'm still not sure about all this business of spending Christmas together like a family and not being one. It does my head a little especially that I would like to be one. There's nothing I can do to convince Olivier and I haven't even tried. I'm trying to hear it and take it that a family isn't something he wants at the moment. It's rough but it's his truth. My truth is that I'm not taking it very well but I'm trying to be normal. Except from those occasions when I  lose it over the woman and try to find out as much as possible about the character of their relationship. He says it's purely sexual - well, that doesn't comfort me at all. Maybe I should get laid. Maybe that would comfort me for a moment. NOT!!! I don't really think that is a way to fix my broken heart and find peace. Then what? And how long this fixing will last? Ohhhhh!!! Fucking, fucking, fucking disaster! 

I've just read: "There is no need to be scared of anybody. But if that's the case, it means that we gave this someone  power to scare us."  I feel it might also apply to situations: like in my case: Olivier and Gaelle would not upset me so much if I didn't allow them to. It wouldn't be so difficult for me if I knew how to just let it go and not treat it like something oh so much important to me that it makes me go crazy. 

So here it is: an exercise for the coming days: not allowing this woman and him make me sad. Not allow the thoughts about it spoil my holiday: my precious time with my little one. Yes, I think that's a reasonable thing to do instead of getting laid. 

What Is Going On

Few nights ago I wrote this long post at night in which I was ranting about how horrible everything was here. 

In my head. It was horrible in my own head. I was horrible that I allowed all these negativity in my head. It's me and only me who can choose how I will react to things. 

Sure, it's not nice to find out that Olivier is going on holiday with another woman. A woman who if I met, I would strangle with my own hands. Really, I'm not joking Gaelle, you don't want to meet me. Not now at least. But if that all really bothered me that much, I should probably pack his suitcases and send him off from where he had come. I'm not doing it. I should not complain then.

And he is great with Helena. Sure, sure - Helena is one thing and he is staying because of her. But also because he helps so much with her and OMG, he really is a good dad. We are not together and that makes me sad and bothers me but when I look at Helena and him... It's unreal and all the grief goes away. Till it comes back... and surely it will come back in February. Or not... maybe by February I will be so tired of it all that the only option will be to let it go or go crazy.

I told Olivier that I was snooping on his Facebook.I don't want to be this person but the temptation was too big. I looked and... couldn't sleep for two days being angry and ashamed of myself. So I just told him. And now it's done. By the way - he was more amused than pissed off.

And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.

On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.

Dad Is Coming Back

Olivier lands on Wednesday and will be staying with us for three months. Yes, yes. And maybe longer later when he figures out what he can do in Thailand. Hmmm. How do I feel about it? I have mixed feelings, I must admit. Part of me is happy because raising a little baby like Helena all my myself and working, and trying to find a bit of time for myself is exhausting to say the least. Helena is an easy child but I am tired anyway. I feel that if I eventually fall asleep one day, I will be sleeping for a few days. With Olivier here, I will have a support, an additional pair of hands and a pair of ears to talk to when frustration kicks in. On the other hand, I am wondering if what we are doing isn't some sort of a lie. We are going to live like a family for these coming months but we are not a one. Helena will be surely happy to have her mom and dad together but we are not together. Will in not confuse her. And what's next? One day he will move out and we will stay by ourselves again? And then what? How will we ever move on with our private lives? I'm not planning to stay alone for the rest of my life but with him here I'm not sure if I'm giving myself  a chance  to close the Olivier door and move on. Especially that I still have feelings for him. I know what he did and how he treated me but nevertheless I still like him. I'm trying not to have any hopes for us. He made it quite clear in February that he doesn't love me - I'm not really sure if he ever had. He made it clear in October when said he doesn't want to be in a relationship, just fun, just sex. Brrr. And I'm not up for it. Brrrr. I want something more, something better. Something more fulfilling. So I'm trying to be realistic. We are not happening and all that is for Helena and to make the two of them, Her and Olivier, create the bond they need for the future. I will eventually find my own place in all this.

Go the F!@# to Sleep!!!

Oh, Helena's finally given in and has gone to sleep. It was not easy - she is a fighter and doesn't like to give in but eventually she can stay up only for a while and when the tiredness comes, she will go crazy for a moment and then just drop. Just like this, no power, no more energy, done. She is asleep. Good. I put her down on the bed. I withdrew quietly just to be called back after few minutes! But I have reports to write and lesson plans to prepare! Don't you know Helena? No, she doesn't. But, but... all this time when she's been asleep I've managed to complete comments for two of my students, and I'm writing this as quickly as possible hoping that after I put a full stop, I will joing Helena and close my eyes for few moments. 

Nope, she's crying.... 

@#$!

Oh, she's stopped. 

She's not moving! Oh no, she is. 

Legs up, a cry out.

No, no - maybe it's a false alarm, maybe she will go back to sleep... C'mon, Helena, you are knackered!

Nope.

I need to go.

F@#$!!!

I will sell her to the gypsies! :-)

How Hopeless It Feels Sometimes

The weekend is over. It was looong. And full of crying. Interchengably Helena and I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to help her, she cried because she wasn't helped. I hated it. I hate when my otherwise happy Baby is so unhappy that she cannot breath any more from crying.

I felt angry as well. At her. Angry at this little baby who doesn't known what's going on with her. Angry. Angry so much that I told her to shut up. Few times. She didn't but I'm sure she must not have liked my tone. And then I felt like such an asshole for telling her to shut up and for being angry. And I cried. And we both cried.She cried because I didn't understand my Baby. I cried because I felt guilty, hopeless, tired and depleated, and sleepy, and lonely.

I love Helena with every monecule of my body. I'm writing this post lying next to her in bed and feeling so much love for this Little Girl. But still, I wanted her to shut up. Crying baby is difficult to stand. Crying baby in hysterics is even more challenging. Though I know I should control my anger and never be disrespectful of my Baby. I apologized. I'm trying to be best mom I can. I fail somtimes. But it's another day tomorrow and we start the game from the beginning. There will be more challenging days to come and more work for me to do on myself and my emotions. It'll never end.

The weekend is over. Our home is quiet and filled with love and the smell of the baby, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Hectic

It's been over two weeks since I came back from work and it's been... well, hectic. Everything has to be planned down to the smallest detail if I don't want to go mad in the morning. I still wake up around 5:30 but now the chances are that Helena will wake up with me and if I didn't prepare something the evening before, I can forget that I will do it in the morning. And on top of everything, I prefer to spend this time with her than to do anything else.

Then the nanny comes at around 7:15 and I have to leave immediately to school. With a heavy heart and heave legs that I drag behind me.

If my schedule allows and there is nothing urgent to do at school, I can come for few minutes and feed her. Luckily, I live close by and I can do it. Seeing her in the middle of the day when she is all calm and well rested is such a pleasure. Then I run to school again, the milk pump under my arm in case I can't see her for the second feeding. If this happens, I lock myself in a school toilet and pump hoping that all this will not disturb my milk supply. I would like to feed Helena only with my milk till the end of February though sometimes I think that maybe it's just too much and I should just give her formula and that's it. Last week especially I was all in doubts since at the end of the day she seemed to be very confused and fussy at the breast and that combined with me being tired was not very pleasent for the two of us. Last week I ened up crying twice. She cried and I cried. She cried because... I don;t really know why... Probably because she is a baby and that's what they do. I cried because I felt like a failure, a horrible mother who didn't know how to stop my baby from whatever distress she was going through. I hated it so much. And I still do. But it seems to be ok this week. It's just Tuesday but so far we didn't experience any major dramas and the days and evenings have been going quite smoothly. 

I come back from work around 4, three times a week the nanny is till 5 and theoretically I could go to the gym but usually something comes up: like errands that I didn't do on the weekend and if that's the case, I can forget my gym plans. And if there are no errands to run, I'm usually too tired to gym. Instead, I'd rtaher take a nap for an hour and gear myslef for the evening shift with Helena. Though, I managed to do a 30 minute workout on Monday and maybe I can do the same tomorrow. If, on top of that all, I won't feel too guilty to go to the gym instead of running to Helena immediately after work.

Then I come home... Do I have lunch for the next day? Do I have dinner for the present evening? If not... well, then I will use whatever time I have to cook... That;s why the gym has to wait very often too. 

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I must say that I can't wait for Oliver to come and help me. Before he came in October, I was by myself and all was fine but then I experienced a spare pair of hands and how much easier and more fun it was to have him around with Helena. And so I miss it. I really do. I know I was supposed to do it all by myself but doing it in a duet is much, much, much more pleasant. And it's better for Helena as well to have him around. 

Helena is asleep now and I'm using these few moments for myself before I close my eyes next to her and open them again for feeding at night and then in the morning when I will see Helena smiling to me. I love those mornings. Fortunately, I managed to prepare and pack everything for tomorrow, so the morning is ours. 

Cry Baby, Cry...

I come back from work and take over from a beaming nanny who tells me that she's had the best day with Helena. I quickly take of my working clothes, jump into the shower, from there: jump into a pair of shorts and a tank top which is easy to remove when I feed her and jump into the kitchen when frantically I steam the breast pump, bottles with one hand and make food for the next day with the other one. And then 5 comes and the nanny leaves.

Yesterday she left Helena sleeping. Of course sleeping like an angel. And then she woke up at 5:30 and the hell broke lose. She cried and cried and cried. I tried any way I know to console her: feeding her with my breasts - didn't work, with the bottle - didn't work, hugging - nope, leaving her alone - no and no, and no. Nothing. Colic? Maybe. But she stopps crying and after a while starts again. I was told colic is one constant cry. I don' t know what Im doing wrong. No idea. I thought that Im feeling Helena and we had developed a good relationship but since I came back to work, I seem not to get her any more. I seem to be in the dark. And my self-confidence as a mom has been decreasing. All this ended me sobbing. Helena was crying and I was in tears. I have no idea how many times I repeted that I was listening to her, that I understood, and that I loved her. Nothing worked. Then out of nowhere she stopped. Just like this and went to sleep. Later on, I had to join her in bed for some more teaty time but it was already easier and calmer. Then I woke up at 12 and she slept so beautifully and so calmly.

What if she doesn't like me? What if she likes her nanny more now and she misses her and wants to be with her more than with me? That breaks my heart to think Helena has changed her mind about me.

But no. Let's not think this way, I though last night.

Today, I came back from work. The nanny says it was a wonderful day with Helena. I gulped down dinner. I frantically change my clothes. I take over.

Helena is crying again. And Im in tears again too. In big tears of helplessness. We both cry. We're both lost, I guess.

Till Next Time

Olivier left last night. He stayed with us for a month and what a stay it was!  It was just great. Difficult for me at the beginning but once I got everything out, things got much easier and relaxed. We had four weeks of carrying for Helena and he proved to be a great care taker. I knew it from the day I met him that Olivier will be a good father - I's seen  him interacting with children... So in these four weeks, Olovier helped me with everything: he changed her, he successfully fed her with a bottle few times, he walked her, he talked to her and he did everything he could to be present as much as possible. And he was. And I was as well. For those few weeks we were there only for out little Helena who now has two parents who love her very much and who made peace with each other. Good things are ahead of us. We will see Olivier again in December when he comes back. Till next time then.

The wounds are still there but I feel they're are going to start healing from now on. 

I'm very happy that things are going the way they are. 

I'm going back to work on Monday. That is a bit less of a happy news. I's hoped I would be able to get one more month but it surely is impossible and Sunday is my last day with Helena and I feel like it'll be a great emotional struggle for me. But I have no other option and I need to do what I need to do. Luckily, I work close to home and I will be able to come home and feed her or she will be coming to school for a boob. 

So that's that. 

A Rant

I've been there already: I've been in situations when another woman was involved. I know it by heart and I know what not to do to drive myself crazy: it's already painful enough. He says that it's nothing serious between them, that it's only sex - as if it was supposed to give me consolation. He says that he doesn't want anything serious at the moment and all his energies will be focused now on his new business and Helena - as if it was supposed to make me feel happier. It doesn't. It doesn't. In a day he will be back home and most possibly with her. Yes, I know - none of my business. And I don't want it to be my business. What they do, as long as Helena is not involved, is none of my business. I just would like to tell her once that it was shit that she was ready, not even knowing me or what was between me and Olivier, that this strange woman was ready to meet me in Paris and try to convince me that I should have an abortion and that she was ready to make threats about taking Helena from me should I follow any legal actions. Finally,  she was ok Olivier and me going through it... Who are you woman?! If you ever read this, know that we will never be friends and if you ever come close to my daughter I will rip you into pieces (fyi not really, it's just a figure of speech. Don't be scared. Olivier told me you were when the post was originally published.) Maybe I'm not fair, maybe you are a nice person but for now, I don't care just like you didn't care about what I was going through in February. I will try not think about you too much any more because it's a waste of energy and I hope it's the very last time when I feel such a strong emotion about you. He is all yours!  Oh, woman! How I dislike you for that!!!I really hope that out paths will not cross any time soon because I might loose it. Anyway...

One, two, three. Save energies, Ania, save energies. 

So this is what I'm dealing with today - her, Gaelle is her name, and I also saw her picture which puts a face... Oh... Hard stuff. Hard stuff. I'm furious with him, I'm furious with her. I went back today to the last message I got from Olivier before leaving France in February and it says that she would support him in getting an exclusive custody over Helena. WTF!

Take him, take him he is all yours. I have somebody more precious. I have Helena who is pure love and nothing but love.

One, two, three...

The end of the rant.

Today's Meditation - All Structure and Orientation Is Essentially Arbitrary.

Something to think about.

Domiance

"Sun shines in the centre of the sky. All things turn their faces toward the light."

"All things in this life depend on direction. In our world, all is oriented toward the sun? The planets revolve around it, the seasons depend upon it, and out very own concept of night and day is tied to the sun's rise and setting. The sun is the dominant element of our lives.

In all othe areas of our actions, we cannot avoid making arrangement that have a centre or orientation. Our lives require composition, just as the solar system has a relationship and structure. Yet all structure and orientation is essentially arbitrary.

We take the sun as the centre of our world because of our vantage point. To someone standing in another galaxy, our sun is nothing more than another point in limitless space. There is no absolute standard by which to truly call something the centre. Therefore, all arrangements and all compositions, all determinations of a dominant element are relative, subjective and provisional. 

There is no center except for that in our own consciousness. Wen we look at the sun and the arrangement of the planets, we must also include ourselves as observers. How else is there determination of what is being seen?  Consciousness is part of the phenomenon. We are the centre, and there is no absolute measure."

This Little Girl

When I found out thatbI was pregnant, it was like finding out that I was going to the Moon. I was petrified. I was scared that I won't be able to make it happen financially and emotionally. Would I be able to love her? Would I like her? Would I connect to her or would I be cold and distant? I read lots of things about instances when mothers don't like their children. I read about how some mothers reject their offspring and I was scared that I might be one of them. My maternal instincts had never been srong... And with all this initial mess with Olivier and my emotional turmoil, I was scared that I might project my resentment on an innocent human being. I had one thousand questions and very few definite answers.

Helena arrived and all of the sudden all those doubts disappeared.

Helena made me fall for her in secods. I look at her with each glance, I feel my love for her is growing stronger. Each day, this little girl shows me that I have tons of love to give and that this love is like no other loves I've ever experienced.

I love her, I love her, I love her.

I love her easy and I love her fussy. I love her happy and annoyed. I love her sleeping and I love hanging out with her. I love her in the morning, afternoon and at night. I love her deeply and happily and I will do my best so that this relationship is growing stronger and deeper.

I have a wonderful little girl who is my teacher and a guide. She shows me the way, I tune in and listen and together we walk our days.

I cannot be happier.

Recent Days

It's been seventeen days since Olivier came. Seventeen very emotional, sad and happy days. Seventeen days of practicing how to let go of the past - not forgetting but also not dwelling too much any more of what happened and what did not. It is what it is and I feel it is good.

Helena is happy. She loves spending time with Olivier and has managed to make him fall in love with her. That's good. The two of them are fantastic and I love watching how this relationship is developing. He's spending all his waking hours carrying for her, changing nappies and doing all these things a dad does. Of course, reality check - it's their relationship - not mine and his. However, being in such a proximity,  we are learning how to be around each other as well since we will see each other and we will work together, hopefully, for the rest of our lives or at least as long as Helena's parenting will require us to stay in touch. And we both want this relationship to work. We both want Helena to have a happy, predictable and stable childhood around adults who will be able to have a good relationship with each other. "But he hurt you so much", I hear the voices. He did and I will not forget that but at the same time... What's the use of thinking about it again and again? I've become tired of this drama, I'm choosing peace and at least I'm trying to move on.

In moderate peace I've been spending time with this little family not-family of mine just reminding myself from time to time that all this is for Helena. I know that one day I will meet someone who will be worth investing my feelings into again. Obviously, Olivier is not the person. And that's fine. It hurt how he dealt with the situation in Paris and it hurts that it came so easily to him replacing me (ME!!!) but the consolation comes from within: I've learnt how to love myself enough, one thing. The other thing is that he must have never really loved me in the first place. So as much as I was grieving a lost love, I come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing really to grieve about? I don't know... I wish him all the best and as long as for the moment I don't have to hang out with his gf. :-) (yes, yes... my ego still needs some time to get over the gf situation). Whatever. :-) None of my business. Ha ha ha. Ania, Ania, Ania. :)

Mom

It was four years ago when I received this horrible phone call. She was gone, she made her final decision. The pain after a close one takes ones life is immense. I can't explain it or compare it to anything else. I was on the floor half-conscious, in tears, feeling that with her going, part of me died. And it did. It died in pain, it died in tears. On the floor. At the same time, however, in all this pain and despair, I was born again. In all that what was left of me, I managed to make a decision that my mom's deaths will not come in vain and I would honor her by becoming a better person, by trying living my life against all odds. I made that decision then and I've had to repeat it twice more - recelntly when I found out that I would have Helena. I decided that no matter what life throws at me, I will endure and walk forwards. Since the 1st of September I've been walking with my little daughter: walking calmly, gracefully, humbly but with my head up high. 

I miss Mom. I miss her every day. I will never stop. I know, though, that her spirit is with us and she lives through us: through me and Helena. I know that she huards us and sends light to us. I know that she is happy seeing me and Helena. That is all that matters.

My mom was and amazing person and I only hope that in her next life she will be happier and that she will never have to experience pain she experienced in this life.

 

 

I Can Only Imagine

There are moments when it really feels like we're a family: when we get together around Helena and play with her, when we talk about her future, when she makes us laugh... It really feels sometimes that the three of us are close. And it's wonderful.

Having this little family experience, I can only imagine how wonderful it must be to have a baby with someone you love and who loves you... I can only imagine...

It's hard sometimes not to get carried away with those familial images: I can see this little house, I can see Helena playing in the garden and us there together... laughing. NOT!!! STOP!!! I need to take a step back and remind myself that whatever there is now, it's not going to last and why the reason Olivier is here is not to make my dreams come true but to spend some time with Helena.

In eighteen days he is going back to Paris, to his life, to his girlfriend (ouch, that hurts me a lot) and whatever there is now, is now and soon will not be any more.

Yesterday when we were putting Helena to sleep, I said that Helena will surely miss him. I didn't say that I will as well. Like crazy. And I will. But... His presence here is for the moment and soon we will be by ourselves again. And that's ok. I just need to remind myself of this and not imagine that there is more there than there is. Though. 

Other than this we are still doing fine. Days are filled with Helena and taking care of her, which is a wonderful experience. She is getting bigger and fussier and at times she serves us outbursts of crying but generally the Little One is quite calm and composed. Still I marvel over how loud she can be when something is not the way she wants it: she cannot speak yet but she has this powerful, scare too - her longs and baby voice, which can wake up a dead person. Certainly when Helena is not pleased, at least the whole floor gets informed about it. She will scream and we will try to console her but, man, sometimes it's just impossible and has to be waited out. And once she decided she is done, she gets quiet and usually falls asleep and all goes quiet. So quiet that the quietness rings in ones ears. It just makes me appreciate these moments of silence so much!!! 

Helena and Olivier

I never doubted for a moment that Olivier will be a good dad. Last year I saw him interacting with kids and it was the cutest sight ever and now I've been having this cute view in fton of me for last few days.

And cute it is indeed.

Helena seems to have fallen in love with her dad and loves being rocked in his arms. They both love it. And Olivier can't take his hand off her. A million kisses a day. A million hugs a day. Days filled with love. As a mom I can't be happier.

As a woman who still has feelings for Olivier, I'm jealous. Of course I am! Jealous and sad that his love is for Helena only and the day will come when I will not be needed around any more and the two of them will have their own things going on but without me. Since we are not a family, I will not be involved. Lots of work ahead for me in this department.

But even though I'm feeling all these things, I'm filled with joy that the two of them have found their way to each other. Hopefully they will be able to make it a life lasting, strong relationship.

And as for me... I will have to... let it go.

All Is Quiet - the En of the Chapter

Yesterday it was a peak of my emotional meltdown. It seems like I let everything out verbally to Olivier and after that, like after Helena's delivery, all went quiet and peaceful.

I've made this decision before twice: after my Mom's death and later in Canada when all went wrong, that I would move on no matter what and will turn the negative into the positive. I'm making this decision now as well. With a lot of help from people around me and with my own determination, I managed to give a birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl - a blessing. Now, after such a long time Olivier has joined me in the parenthood to this Little Miracle - another blessing. Another one is that we still can be friendly and talk to each other. And that it's not perfect and that we won't live together in a cute house with a white fence... well, I guess dreams sometimes don't come true. Or maybe I should expect that I will live in this dream one day but with someone else. 

Helena has two parents: two big people who are crazy about her and who will do everything to make this girl happy and whole. I can't be happier for her. Another blessing.

Blessings and quietness with few breaks for Helena adding her cries.  I'm going to enjoy this quietness and the precious moments I'm having with my little family here. 

I'm officially opening closing this chapter and I'm rather eager to see how a new one is going to unfold.

 

Wholehearted Helena and Heartbroken Me

We went to see a doctor yesterday and the news is that Helena's the wholehearted baby, nothing was found and in two moths we have another follow-up visit. But the worst fear is gone - no holes in the heart.

Last evening was a bit difficult one. The day was full of events for Helena and when she we came back home she was completely overwhelmed and tired, which resulted in a meltdown. Feeding, spitting, falling almost asleep in the middle then waking up crying her head off. Whenever that happens I'm trying to listen to her and us all my senses to understand what is bothering her but last evening I was myself in a state of a breakdown and couldn't get synchronized with the Little One for a long time. Ended up with me in tears sitting on the toilet desperately needing a hug from another human being. Eventually Helena found her comfort and we went to sleep.

All this happened after Olivier called his brother and we/he had a chat with the whole family. Something that I so much wanted for Helena was happening. All of the sudden she has new uncles and aunts, soon she will see her grand-father and grand-mother. The whole family is there waiting to meet her. And it's wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted for my Helena. But when Olivier happily presents his daughter to the universe and becomes the best father in the world, my heart falls into a million pieces and I get upset thinking: "Where have you been for all this time before?! She is my creation. It was me who made it happen, it was me who for nine long months endured without you (Olivier) asking me how I was, how she was. Nothing! And now this show!!! I could have died during labor and you wouldn't even know. And now all this fanfare and happiness, and kisses and ma petit chat... I quite frankly feel like a spare wheel. I feel like bursting into tears. I know it's all in the past but nobody hurt me as much as Olivier did and being around him now so overjoyed and so filled with love to Helena leaves me vulnerable and heartbroken. Oh, how I wish I had a protective armor I could put on which would shield me from feeling anything. How I wish I was "like whatever" and just could swiftly move on. But instead now I would want somebody to be around me and give me a hug and let me just cry till I can't cry any more. Maybe that would bring me some relief.

Here we are: Wholehearted Helena and her heartbroken Mother.

On Hurting and Letting Go

Without getting into details, Olivier, Helena's dad, came to see her. It's love from the first sight and he cannot take his hands off her. Obviously. I saw him interacting with kids before and I've always known he would make a great father. It was sadly uncertain for a long time if he'd be Helena's dad, however. But he will and he is. Watching them together is wonderful and brings back the hope in me that this story has a happy ending for Helena. What else would I wish for?

Watching them together is also a difficult exercise for me of letting go and silencing me ego, ego which is still hurt and my ego which wants recognition: it was me who made it happen, it was and the whole world around me that brought Helena to this world. He was not there! We were all ALONE!

Watching them together makes me think that I still have feelings for him and I need to take a deep breath and remember that he is not here for me, that he is already with another woman and that I need to let it go and forget that anything would happen between the two us again. We have Helena in common but that's it. Let it go! I shed few tears over it and now mostly I'm just trying to be in the moment, not allowing the past to control me and not letting the unrealistic images get hold of my emotions. It is what it is... and I'm letting it go. For Helena, for myself... for my peace of mind. But damn it! It's not easy. Part of me wants to scream at him: " You didn't even want her in the first place!", "You lied to me!", "You treated me like a thing, had fun and threw me away and Helena when we needed you the most but instead you chose to abandon us and go on a safari holiday without thinking that we might be struggling here in Bangkok" An accusation after accusation, after accusation. And they are fair but I know that if this is supposed to work out, I need to let go. When I see him flushed with love to Helena I want to scream : "Why can't you love me any more?! (if he ever really even loved me in the first place) Why can't we be a family?! You said it'll be out year, you promised! You , you, you!!! You lied to me and it hurts!!! I hate you! I hate you for making a fool of myself and for trusting you. I hate you for all the pain and loneliness I experienced!!! Many times I cured him wishing that he loved so much one day and this love was taken away from him. Does all this hate talk help? Not really, not me at least.  I said some of these things, some are too difficult to admit yet. The anger and sadness return and the hurt ego demands to be heard again and again. As I'm listening to it,  I'm trying to give it as much love as I can myself since there is no love for it from Olivier. I'm trying to as gentle with myself as possible in this situation and talk with myself that he is just one form of love, and I can live without it. What is more, I'm doing very well without him... since I have no other choice, really.

Before Olivier came and even before he's came round and wanted to be a dad, I though I've forgiven him all this pain and wrong he did me. It only proves how little I know about forgiveness and how real peace of mind is difficult to attain. My broken heart hasn't healed yet and I feel it will need much more time to do so. A very difficult exercise. "Let it go Ania. Let it go. He has never been yours in the first place otherwise he would have stayed. Let it go and live your life with Helena, be happy and put the past in the past. Let it go. I love you, Ania and I will never leave you, I will be your rock - I've been it for a while already. Breathe out and let it go" I hear this gentle voice talking to me. Then I look at Helena and all I want for her is to have a happy mom, not bothered with some petty relationship issues. She is the relationship now, the commitment and the love now. It all needs time. Aghhh!!!

I'm happy they are together: Helena and her Dad. I need to find my own space in it with open head, open heart and realistic outlook on the situation. For my own sake, I need to make peace with the fact that Olivier's love flows in a different direction now and let him go.  So it be. Go, go, go! GO already!

Helena's 30 Days

She eats, burps, sleeps, occasionally fusses, smiles in her sleep, pees, poops also in her sleep. And like this for last 30 days.

I love it.
I love Her.

I'm surviving.
Yay!!!

Breatsfeeding

Helena took to breastfeeding like fish to water. The first time she was brought to me still in hospital's nursery, she latched on perfectly and tried to extract as little milk as I had at that time. After this first experience, I had no doubts or hesitations about giving a boob to my little one. A week earlier I would express reservations towards the idea saying that it's weird but... This Little Girl at that moment in hospital made me want to turn into a cow. I pictured growing big fat udders and never having to worry that Helena will not have food to eat.

Everybody that could got involved into boosting my lactation. I searched the internet to fond natural ways of increasing the milk supply and soon I went on the diet of oats, carrots, bok choy, soups of different kind and anything else I could think of and others could think of to help me with feeding Helena. I changed coffee for ginger  and fennel teas, and I intake gallons of warm water. My blood has no hemoglobin any more: it's just warm water, ginger and fennel. 

I was still unsure however how all this lactation diet would go and if I would be able to produce a good milk supply (I read how women struggle with it). We went through a horrid night when I tried to feed Helena and I wasn't able - my breast didn't yet produce enough. She tried and tried, suckeld and suckled and was so patient with me but even Helena reached her limits and started to cry. I made a bottle with formula but she wouldn't take it. Helena hates both bottles and formula and I don't blame her - I don't like myself the idea of giving her synthetic substances when  I can produce something more valuable and natural. That night however, even Helena gave up, and after numerous trials and many hours of suckling she took a bottle and drank the whole 2oz of formula milk, after which went to sleep and slept like an angel. After that night I was in a state of panic thinking that it might me possible I will not be able to breastfeed my Little One and I felt quite sad about it. The Universe didn't wait long, though to give me a solution to my problem. The Universe sent me a wonderful woman, my lovable neighbor, a mother of 18 month old girl. They breastfeed and have enough to share, to which my neighbor agreed when I told her about my milk-distress. So now, I could relax, in case her mother wasn't able to feed her, she will be getting natural food anyway - not from me but from another wonderful woman who agreed to help us. Ask the Universe and it will provide. We are secure with the milk supplies.

Since that nigh, I've been able to feed Helena no problem. It doesn't look like my supply is huge but it's enough for my daughter and allows to have those wonderful moments when I put her to my breast and she suckles and suckles until she passes out happily drank on mom's milk.

This is what my life has come to. :-)

Fifteen Days of Love

Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love. Eat, sleep, burp, cuddle, kiss, change the nappy, give a bath, love, love, love.

Fifteen days of love with Helena.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Fifteen days of unconditional love to this Little Girl. 

It feels fantastic! They are the precious moments I will remember for the rest of my life. No matter what will happen in the future.  And since I don't know what will happen, and little do I care about what happened, the most important now is NOW. Now is great! Now Helena is healthy, I'm healthy, me breasts are full of milk I can feed my child, we have a place to stay, we have loving friends and family around. Now is great. And I'm thankful for now. Nothing else matters. 

Back Home

My child is not yellow any more and she was released to go home. She is beautiful and pink now and looks like a litle piglet. I absolutely love it. 

This is not the end of the hospital visits yet. The pediatrician  told me that he hears some murmurs in her heart and Helena has to see a cardiologist to be diagnosed. The word 'hole' in the heart was pronounced and the ground shook under my feet. Why?! Where?! How?! My Helena?! So we are seeing the specialist on the 4th of October. Until then I was told not to panic and observe her and her breath. The doctor told me it wasn't an emergency and a head nurse comforted me that some kids get rid of it by themselves. Still, the image of my little girl suffering from anything is a horrible one. But, no panic, I was told. I will keep panic for when there is a real reason for it. Now, we just have to wait.

With all this happening, I realize yet one more time that moments are precious. Nothing can be taken for granted. Every single day appreciated and contemplated. No complaints until there are real reasons to complain and even then, actions and looking for solutions if possible. No complaints but joy and gratitude.

I'm so happy Helena is home with me. I can't be happier to be around her. She's my mission now, my love and my commitment and I will do everything and anything so that she is happy and safe.

This and That

Helena refuses to suck on anything else but my breast which made me enter the path of an extreme transformation - for this little girls I want to turn into a cow with big, heavy udders she can suck on without supply restrictions. I'm still not there yet but the production has improved and now Helena doesn't have to worry she will go hungry and angry (she rejected the formula, even the most expensive one). In practical terms, increasing the milk production means regular pumping, drinking gallons of ginger tea, giving myself many hot breast massages, drinking weird Thai herbs and relaxing in hope that all this will give my Helena the food she wants.

A week ago I have a conversation with a neighbour of mine about the breastfeeding in which I expressed my reservations towards the idea of putting my nipple into an infant's mouth. Little did I know that a week later it will become my mission to do it as long as I can. Breastfeeding is great! It really is! It is time consuming and a bit stressful when the milk is not abundant but it is also a very rewarding experience. But one has to go through it to understand, I guess. I had to. 

Oh, this Little Girl. I've never seen anything as beautiful in my life. When she sleeps, I could spend hours just looking at her and her face that changes expressions. Her smile,, when it accidentally happens is something to die for and I can't wait for her to be big enough to make the world even more a beautiful place with it. Her little toes and little fingers are adorable, the way she smells... everything is just intoxicating!!! I could spend the whole day kissing her all over. 

I'm having the best time of my life here with Helena at home. 

Helena Anna

Helena Anna was born on the 1st of September 2015 in the Vibharam Hospital in Bangkok. We are both doing good and we are at home already.

What a journey it was! I went to hospital on Tuesday and wasn't really sure if I wanted to do it on that day. After all Helena was supposed to be born on the 17th and I didn't know if it was a right thing to bring her here earlier. But I decided to trust the doctor and follow her advice.

They plugged me in the IV at noon and freaked me out like hell because we lost Helena's pulse. The nurses shouted something to each other, I didn't understand what... just the thought that I could loose her was so painful that for the rest of the tme in the labor room I kept asking about her heart rate. All was good.

Then the real pain started. It was something nobody could have prepared me. Long story short, for an hour I was somewhere else and I was somebody else. In the delivery room it was even worse - to the point that I wasn't all that sure any more that I could make it. Thank God I had Maggie with me who was the best cheerleader ever. She held my hand all this time and made me believe that it all be ok. The final push took me to the other orbit and it was over.

All went quiet and I saw Helena.

Suddenly nothing else mattered and all the pain was gone.

It was only Helena and I in this room and I couldn not have been happier.

On the 1st of September I've started my new life with the most beautiful, gracious and patient girl in the world. I want to tell the whole world about her and how in a split of a second she became my centre of the Universe.

Non, je ne regrette rien.

My pregnancy didn't start nicely. I cam back from Paris heart-broken and disappointed. I didn't know what to do, how to do it... I knew I was pregnant and that in few months everything was about to change. I knew that I didn't want to have an abortion not because I am against it but because it didn't feel like a right choice for me. I also didn't know if I can raise Helena by myself. Million questions and doubts, no answers.   I was scared. I was so scared. I spent countless sleepless nights crying - feeling horrible, blaming myself for everything. I hated myself and I was my worst enemy. I was going crazy. I was working but if somebody asked me what I was doing at work, I wouldn't be able to tell. I was there, I tried to do some good and it worked but how... I have no idea really. I was a zombie.

It took me three months of vegetating, mourning and hating myself to wake up one day to a decision that enough was enough. I had a choice to either honour this time or ruin it and look back later in the future at this time and regret that I hadn't been able to love myself and Helena enough to look after the two of us. I made a decision that from then on, I would be my best friend, the one who supports and loves. I said no to the critical vice that tried to convince me that I was stupid, worthless, naive girl. It's been attacking me ever since, of course, but I've gotten better and better at ignoring and treating it more like a background noise in the mall - after a while you don't even realize that the music still plays. So that morning, I made a commitment to myself that I would fight for Ania and Helena. I would be healthy and present for the two of us. Yes, it would be hard but I realized that didn't have to make it harder for myself. I needed to be in my won team and help myself and not sabotage my efforts. I could either be miserable or content and I chose the latter.

I went back to the gym. I've been training for all this time: a bit of running, walking, weights, swimming, whatever felt good. It's been the longest training ever - the one for the body and mind. I've looked after my food and made sure that I was not overeating, though few times I surely stuffed my mouth with cake and pizza... but I made sure that that would happen only few times. Looking after my body resulted in a very easy pregnancy - all the things I was so afraid of never happened: my doctor thinks I'm downright a boring case - she gives me vitamins only (thank god!) My body has been cooperating with me  and I'm so grateful to it for that. I've been feeling fantastic and, what is weird, very womanly or even sexy, I dare say. Here is the result.

Along with the body comes mind and here the work has proved to be a bit harder but it is happening and I'm very supported by people around me. Mostly, I'm optimistic. There are moments when I worry but I don't wake up in the middle of the  night any more (unless they are dreams about my family), short of breath and  sweated thinking that I'm hurting Helena by bringing her to to the world without making sure that her dad is there for her. One thing is that her Dad has contacted me and we've been talking ever since and that gives me some hope she will get to know him, the other thing is that I cannot account for Olivier's decisions. No more guilt there. I've also stopped obsessing about her college tuition and all the things that theoretically I'm not able to afford. Now, I can't buy them now but who knows what the future holds - there is quite a lot of potential at the place where I work, so why the hell would I not be able to give Helena things she will need? And of top of it all she doesn't need things now, she needs a present and loving mother, the rest is not really important. As I don't know the future, I only can do everything I can to make things happen. And if they don't, I will know that I've tried and find solutions to problems when they occur. Today we have no problems. Today is good and filled with love from the world and people around us.

This combination of body and mind work resulted in more peace.  Of course I am scared and anxious but not panicked any more. I'm well looked after and so is Helena by me and by other people around me. We are in good hands.

When I look back to those grim days in February when I was walking the streets of Paris in tears and thinking that I should not be, I'm proud of myself that I decided, after all, to stay and do what I felt was right. And though I don't know what the future holds, closing this chapter, I am happy to look back and say after Edit Piaff "Non, je ne regrette rien." Hopefully, next parts of the story will prove to be equally regretless.

It's Your Fault

I can't get hold of my dad. my father, my old man as I call him when I'm angry. And angry I am. I would like to talk to him but he's gone, drowned in the ocean of alcohol. Still alive but not for long, I fear. 

I woke up in tears this morning, heart pounding, short of breath. I had a dream: my childhood house, it's dark inside. My father on the floor, drunk I guess. I'm standing next to him. We are trying to talk but the only thing he coming out from his mouth is: "It's your fault, it's your fault' it's your fault." I'm screaming to him on top of my lungs, I scream so hard that my voice doesn't seem like mine any more. It's a scream of pain and sadness, and extreme anger. "My fault? What is my fault!? It's not my fault that you chose to kill yourself?! Can you hear me?! It's not my fault!!!!" And I'm waiting for him to say: "It's not" and absolve me and give me a free pass to go but he is stubborn and repeats all over again "your fault, your fault, your fault." My demon, my curse, and my love. Because I do love my father.

But it's not my fault. His drinking is not my responsibility, I can't help him, I can't rescue him. Why am I even bothering to write this all? On morning like this, I feel and realize how much of guilt and sadness is still in me. I like to think that I've come a long way and I understand but what he does still hurts so much. And especially now, when Helena will be born... I'm glad she will never see him this way, on the floor but my heart bleeds when I think of a man I used to know, the one I would like her to know - my father who used to be different. Used to be...

"Sit still and observe this pain flowing through your system. Don't deny but embrace, accept, sit still... make it your friend and not enemy and when that happens it'll loose its grip over you," says the friendly voice inside, the loving voice, the me, the parent inside, the compassionate and loving one, the one I need so much now. 

Power Saving Mode

It was ok till Monday, though after the visit at the doctor's I came back home and the only thing I was able to do was hitting the bed. 

I managed to go swimming yesterday but today already I feel like it might have been my last swim. My body is slowing down. It forces me to rest up to the point that going to the classroom on the first floor is challenging and running up and down the stairs leaves me a bit puffed. And all that happened in only two days. Isn't it crazy? The system must have switched into the power conservation mode. Smart system - it knows better than I do what is coming.

Helena feels like she's started packing up for the journey. She's been moving around the Utero a lot, up and down, a busy bee getting ready for a trip. It's only a few centimeters down the road but I'm sure it'll feel for both of us like climbing the Everest or running an ultra marathon. I can't imagine - I don't considering what I've read recently about dying in labor. Maybe I'll stop here, I want to sleep tonight.

So yes, energy saving mode - I was supposed to go to Ikea today to buy one last thing for the nursery but this had to be cancelled. I might have fallen asleep walking around the shop or in a taxi on my way there. I will be helped with this on Sunday, though. So far I've been able to carry all the shopping bags and groceries by myself but I guess now it's over for a while and I will need some help.

It sucks that in those last days one feels like this - exhausted and sleepy. This should be the time for the lasts: last cinema, last uninterrupted meal with friends, last hairdresser and nails but all I can think about is my bed, and all I can feel is this tiredness in my body. 

Anyway, I've had a very good eight months when my body cooperated beautifully so I should not complain and just give it a break to get ready to the big trial day.

Now... off to bed.

Ten Days

I was asked to jump on a chair, legs up in the stirrups for the doctor to have a quick-peak in the Utero and what she saw, she told me, or actually, what she felt was Helena's head. What?! "Can I as well", I asked, "no, your hands are too short." Awww, but then I thought that poking Helena on the head would be a bit creepy so I'll just wait till she is out. Yes, the heart is beating, Helena is moving and I'm dilating already. I jumped off the chair and the gyn goes: "Ten days, na. I think she'll be here in around ten days." Two days ago I counted twenty-five -  I still had almost the whole month to catch up on sleep and get togethers with some of my friends and now she is telling me that this coming weekend might be my last solo ones?! Say what? Might be that when I have my next check up, dr Suppatha will suggest that I stay in hospital. "Should I bring the bag with little clothes?" No, I live close enough to send me home for a bag and back.  The visit ended. I left hospital thinking that since these are really my last days, I should do something, I should go and do stuff, now! But the reality was that at this stage, after the whole day at work I feel nothing but tiredness, so I went back home and checked in the bed at 7:30 pm. Exciting stuff.

Ten days!!! Waaaa!!!

Three

From tomorrow Helena is not going to be considered premature if she decides to come out. She still has some growing to do but she would survive at this point - no problem. Though, it's still twenty one days that she will spend in the Utero and though I considered inducing her earlier due to my maternity leave limitations, I think I'll just wait till the day comes and get induced only if it turns out that she isn't in rush.

I got a bed for Her yesterday, a beautiful cot from a friend of mine. It's all dressed and prepared and teddy bears from all over the world are waiting as well. The baby clothes has been washed and some even ironed, the stash of nappies are piling in every possible space I could find at home. The furniture has been moved around the house. My bag is packed and waiting at the door. I think I have everything ready. I'm waiting. I'm scared and apprehensive. But I'm waiting trusting that it will all be good. It's very difficult sometimes to trust, though - the level of the trust changes and goes up and down few times a day depending what I've just read yet another time about having kids, though I promised myself I won't read anything anymore to freak myself out. But I still do.

Doctor tomorrow. Then last week at school. Awwww. Helena is closer and closer.

I asked friends from all over the world to get a toy for Helena: from left: the UK, Hong-Kong, Bangladesh, Nepal, Cambodia, Vietnam, the UAE, Afghanistan, South Africa, Indonesia. Thank you everybody for you fantastic contributions. We will study geography with these guys thinking of you.

Four More Weeks

Last week on Monday I met my new students and I can't be happier to be a teacher to this bunch of funny kiddos. They are sweet and driven, and just very nice. I hope it wasn't just a hoax on their side to impress me and they will stay this way for the rest of the year.

In two weeks I will leave them for two months, though, and take a maternity leave.  A holiday without a holiday. A time off to meet my daughter, get to know her and spend some time with her. Very little time but it is what it is and I'm not planning to take myself on any guilt trips. No guilt. This is what we have now and this is what has to be enough. The end.

I have four more weeks to go. Few more visits to the doctor and then the very last one when I will be pushing Helena towards this world. After my post about feeling scared of this whole process some friends of mine wrote to me and cheered me up saying that if they could have done it, I can as well. And I will try to do it on my own but if not, the doctor promised she will help. And since I trust this woman, I will stay with the though that I can. I can push Helena out even if it means being in pain for hours and hours. But who knows what really will happen. I only hope that I will not die, or that she will not he hurt in any way. 

Four weeks! Seems like nothing considering that I really think that I've been through the shortest pregnancies in the  history of the world. To me it was like yesterday when I did the test in the cinema toilet, then went to Paris to face my fears, come back and cried till I could no more. It was yesterday when I woke up and made a decision that I could cry more or honor this time and spend the rest of these nine months looking after myself and Helena. 

And so I chose the option number two. 

I must say - it's been a great time. A very anxious time but a great one nevertheless. I know already that I will look back one day and say that I did all I could to help myself. I will be able to say that I was my best friend and did not abandon myself when I needed myself the most. Of course, I got helped from the outside world: family and friends and it gave me more determination and fuel to go on. One day at a time.  I've been my own best friend during this time. What a change, though! I started as my own worst enemy!

When I found out that I was pregnant all I could think was how stupid I was. When it turned out that I will do it by myself, I hated myself even more. I hated myself for being naive, for letting myself being hurt so much when I thought I was safe in the world I had created around me. All had been perfect: my comfort zone. my school, my work, my life... Perfect! I was on the top of the world. And then in a second I was falling into an abyss. And I thought didn't know how to fly. I was too occupied in self-hate and self-pity to see that I do have tools and that I'm not completely powerless. It took me three months of sleepless nights to get to the point where I was so depleted and tired that I could no more go on like that. And then I made the decision that I would not give in. I made the same decision after my mom died. I made it again and I'm sure there will be times when I will have to remind myself of it again and again. I made a decision of being my own friend, of loving myself the way I am and not condemning myself any more. Today, I look into the mirror and say: I love you and I will never leave you, Ania. I feel this love more than at any time in my life even though on weaker days I might forget it, I know it is here with me. I'm here for myself. I'm here surrouned by love of people and the abundance of the world. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. 

Apart from going to hospital.

Four more weeks and I will meet a little girl Helena. In four weeks all will be the same and nothing will be the same. In four weeks we will start a new chapter. 

What A Beautiful Day!!!

What a wonderful day it's been. My very good women friends got together to shower me and Helena with their love and their friendship. And a shower it was!!! I can't say how good it feels to know that all these people are in my life and they are there for me. Not just saying that they are - but they actually are present and willing to help and support me.

I can't ask for more. I can only say thank you.

So thank you my Friends!!! I can't wait for Helena to meet you all. I can't wait to tell Helena about how you've been helping me through this time. I can't wait to tell her about the world full of compassionate and loving people. I can't wait to tell her that the world is a beautiful place when one has friends around. I want to tell her that we are loved and this love comes in different forms, from different channels and sources. Yes, it is sad that her Dad is not with us and we will feel his absence but we cannot determine our happiness and well being on this only.  We have so much to live for and look forwards to!!! We have the whole world to explore!!! When I look at the picture below, I feel love! I feel so much love and so much goodness. I'm surrounded by Angels.

Today Friends from Thailand were with me but every day I get messages and words of love from my friends and Family from all over the world. The ones who are in Poland and in other corners of the world. I'm greatful for that. My heart if filled with hope and happiness, and I hope Helena can feel it and that she will be entering the world filled with this love and happiness. 

I hope my Mom sees that all from afar and is the happiest mom in the world seeing her daughter surrounded with so many good souls.